Production Notes:
“Where Legal Eagles Dare” is the beginning of a series of episode that address the problems of the court system in the early 21st century. In this episode, Douglas must endure an onslaught of legal issues, from a divorce suit filled by Honey’s mother, Dolores, to a wrongful death lawsuit filed against him by the burglar Rocco Traviato. This was posted on the on December 25, 2003 at the Eric Von Wade Website.
The episode begins by refreshing the
audience’s memory about several important plot points. Honey and Trixie discuss the bullet holes in
the kitchen wall that were made during the episode, The Cat Burglar.
Meanwhile, Douglas and Reggie are installing a large window in place of the
bullet holes.
At this point we
are introduced to the long awaited Dolores Pendleton, Honey’s lesbian and ultra
feminist mother. She and Douglas clash
from the onset. We are also introduced
to the character of Lorelei Carlisle, a lesbian lawyer Dolores has chosen for
Honey. Lorelei Carlisle also is
representing Rocco Traviato against Douglas.
An especially short cameo by Wesley Hargrove, legal advisor, is made
when he issues the summons to Douglas.
We also see the
return of Officers Dale and King, who arrive to serve a court order preventing
Douglas and Reggie from installing the window.
Return to “One Night in Corpus” Main Page
KEYS RADIO SCRIPT # 2316
Dec. 25, 2003
One Night in Corpus Christi
“Where Legal Eagles Dare”
Written by Capt J.E. Carrales, III
ACT I
(Opening Organ Music Theme Song)
Narrator: "RADIO STATION KEYS proudly presents the ERIC VON WADE RADIO
DRAMA HOUR... (music swells) brought to you by the Corpus Christi Atheist Choir
Boys and their latest recording effort Singing for the Hell of It!.
(Organ music swells and dies, catchy uplifting music)
NARRATOR: “There’s no time of day like those late afternoons when neighbors
come over to help neighbors with those household projects. Since Douglas is on
winter break from the school, he felt it was high time to repair those bullet
holes in his kitchen wall. Lets join them in the kitchen where Douglas, Reggie,
Honey and Trixie shoot the breeze…
(Sounds of saws and hammering in the background)
Trixie: “So, tell me again what happened to the wall?”
Honey: “A few weeks ago Doug thought he heard a burglar and rushed down stairs.
He shot a few rounds with his submachine gun to scare the burglar off. Well, it
was just a cat.”
Trixie: “Oh, My? You sure have busy nights here.”
(telephone rings)
Honey: “Hello…”
Dolores: (on the telephone) “Honey, (excited) I got your message that you threw
that no good…man…out of your house. I’m going over right away!”
Honey: “Mother? What, you’re coming over today? Well, Doug and I are back
together.”
Dolores: (on the telephone) “Don’t worry, Honey. I fix that right away…(dial
tone)”
Honey: “Mother…? Hello…”
Trixie: “What’s happening?”
Honey: “Its my mother, she’s coming here now! Be ready for World War III!”
Trixie: “Well, I’d better run, as much as I would like to see Doug in full form
against the Mega-Feminist Lesbian Wonder Woman.”
Narrator: “Over by the window totally unaware and oblivious to the prior
conversation of the two women, Douglas and Reggie prepare to work.”
(Sounds of saws and hammering)
Douglas: “Ahhh, yes. Look at this at window, Reggie. It’s going to fit in
nicely. That hole you made in the wall is perfect.”
Reggie: “Hey, isn’t this one of those Windows on the Soul I saw in the Smears
and Rollback catalog?”
Douglas: “No, it’s a ‘Window of Necessity’ courtesy of the Thompson Center Fire
Company.”
Honey: (Entering the Kitchen) “Hey, guys? How’s it hanging?”
Douglas: "If your talking about the window? It’s going O.K. "
Honey: "What, no smart ass comment?”
Douglas: "I save smart ass questions for people capable of giving smart
answers"
Honey: "What?!" (incredulous)
(loud SLAP!)
Douglas: "Ouch! What’s that for?"
Honey: “Its for being a dumb ass!”
Douglas: "Hey, I have the smartest ass around. Not like yours, it’s a drop
out…or shall I say drop down!”
Reggie: "Come on, guys! Let’s be civil."
Honey: “Reggie, with Doug its always Civil…War that is!” (laughs)
Douglas: "And, my dear, that’s why I love you. (kiss)
Honey: “Thank God, your not the idiot you sometimes appear to be.” (exiting)
(laughs)
Reggie: “Hey, Doug, I’ve been wanting to ask you a question about
a…uh…relationship I’m in.”
Douglas: “Really? What’s on your mind?”
Reggie: “What do you think of Mrs. Wunderkind?”
Douglas: “Greta Wunderkind? The lady who used to make cookies for our Cub Scout
troop? She has to be at least 60 years old by now.”
Reggie: “Uh, yeah…and she’s only 57.”
Douglas: “Oh, Reggie. Don’t tell me you…with Mrs. Wunderkind. Damn it Reggie,
what’s with you and older women!? I mean her husband is a World War II veteran,
where’s your patriotism?”
Reggie: “Well, I didn’t mean for it to happen, but it seems her husband is
several years older than her and he hasn’t been floating her boat.”
Douglas: “Stop it! Not another word…I’m trying to fight back the gag!” (laughs)
Reggie: “Maybe we should just concentrate on finishing this job.”
Douglas: “Yeah, lets do that. Every thing seems ready, what do you think
Parkinson?”
Reggie: “The seam looks good, the molding is O.K. but I don’t think we have
enough cock?”
(Suddenly Dolores, Douglas’ mother-in-law enters, the sound of high heel shoes
grows louder)
Dolores: “Hello, male pigs, have you seen my daughter?”
Douglas: “Hold on… I’ll call her! (SHOUTING) HEY, HONEY, GET THE DUTCH BOY I
THINK WE HAVE A FAULTY DYKE HERE!”
(Music Swells and mood changes)
ACT II
NARRTOR: “And so Douglas lies face to face with his lesbian mother-in-law, with
only his wits and Reggie Parkinson.”
Dolores: “Don’t worry too much about that DUTCH BOY, his batteries are fully
charged. I heard you broke my daughters heart on Christmas Eve, Baby killer!”
Douglas: “Baby Killer?! Oh, I forgot, your still in the 1960’s. What logic you
bestow, Mr. Spock would be turning in his coffin. Calling me a baby killer when
you are a known supporter of abortion.”
Dolores: “It’s a woman’s right to choose, that I support…and I wish my daughter
would hurry up and choose a good divorce lawyer. So I’m helping her out.
(yelling out) Lorelei… come over here, I want you to meet your new defendant.”
Lorelei Carlisle: “Good morning, Mr. McKillyou, my name is Lorelei Carlisle.
I’m acting as your soon to be ex-wife’s counsel in this divorce case.”
Douglas: (surprised) “What!”
Lorelei Carlisle: “Yes, Ms Pendleton has taken the liberty of filing divorce
proceedings on behalf Honey Drew Pendleton McKillyou.”
Douglas: “That’s ridiculous, Dolores can’t file for Honey’s divorce. Its not
legal.”
Lorelei Carlisle: “Mr. McKillyou, I am a lawyer and this is the United States
of America. Everyone knows it’s the lawyers and courts that make the law around
here.”
Reggie: “UH…Hi, Mrs. Pendleton!”
Dolores: “Well if it isn’t Mavis Parkinson’s little boy. All grown up.”
Reggie: “Yes, its me. Do you want to go out Saturday night? I’ll pick you up at
7:30. How about Landru’s Restaurant?”
Dolores: “My dear poor hormonally challenged little boyish man, I’m afraid I don’t
swing that way!”
Douglas: “Good, if you get a chance you can swing from that tree…by your neck.”
Dolores: “I’m rubber, your glue what ever you say bounces off of me and sticks
to you!”
Douglas: “Rubber, please, I think you have me confused with your latex lover.”
Dolores: “Oooo! (yelling) Honey, get out here!”
Honey: “Hey, what’s going on out here. I can hear this racquet all the way up
stairs. Mother! I didn’t expect you until later.”
Douglas: “Yes, it’s your mother. She’s taken the liberty of filing for
divorce…our divorce.”
Honey: “What?! Mother, when are you going to realize that Doug and I are
married and are, better than that, happily married?”
Dolores: "Honey, your just a little girl. You don’t know what’s good for
you. Lorelei is here to…help you. She’s single, and a lawyer. A far better
choice for you than this poor teacher."
Honey: “Mother, I think you need to leave now. I’m, for the last time, not
going to be a lesbian and, what’s more, I’m tired of your failure to respect my
marriage.”
Dolores: “Honey, you know very well that I don’t believe in heterosexual
marriage. It never works, and trust me, I tried it five times.”
Reggie: “You were married five times?!”
Dolores: “Yes, no man could satisfy my…er…special needs.” (audience chuckles)
Douglas: "That’s your main problem. A marriage is based on love and
respect, not the number of orgasms you get in a night. Its love not lust!”
Dolores: “Traditionalism, that’s all you represent. Pure traditionalism! Mark
my words, Douglas, there are forces at work in this country that will put an
end to your infantile hang-ups.”
Douglas: "What I don’t understand is, although you hate President Bush and
all he stands for, why your lover, or partner or what ever you call her,
actually look more like the President than he looks like himself!"
Dolores: “Well, I never!”
Douglas: "…And believe me, you never will!”
Dolores: “Come on, Lorelei, let’s leave these unenlightened…traditionalists…to
their destiny. Good day!”
Douglas: (angry)"…and Good Riddens (defiantly)…and don’t let the door hit
you on the way out! Lord knows your hips are wide enough!”
Reggie: “You know, Doug, I think I just got over my crush on your
mother-in-law.”
Douglas: “You know; you finally came to your senses. Now, lets get this project
finished.”
(Knock on the front gate)
Wesley Hargrove: "Excuse me, is one of you gentleman, Douglas S.
McKillyou?”
Douglas: "Yes, I’m Douglas McKillyou. Who are you and what do you
want."
Wesley Hargrove: "Uh…My name is Wesley Hargrove and I’m with the Court of
Judge Ray L. Rhoder. You have been served, Sir.”
Reggie: “What is that, a summons?”
Wesley Hargrove: "Yes, have a good day, Sirs.”
Douglas: “Don’t worry Reggie, the other night Officer Dales of the C.C.P.D.
told me that I might have to testify against some guy named Rocco for breaking
into my house.”
Reggie: “I thought you said that it was a cat.”
Douglas: “No…the cat thing was a few nights before. After I shot these holes in
this wall, a few nights latter we had a real burglar, two actually. One had a
heart attack and died on my bedroom floor.”
Reggie: “You know we have a lot incidents in this neighborhood.”
(sound of ripping open an envelope)
Douglas: “What?! I don’t believe it. This is absolutely ridiculous!”
Reggie: “What happened?”
Douglas: “I’m being sued for the wrongful death of Rupert “Left” Masters, by
Richard “Rocco” Traviato.”
(ominous music)
ACT III
NARRATOR: "For those of you who have just tuned in, our hero Douglas
McKillyou, was just served a summons to appear before the Court of Judge Ray L.
Rhoder for the wrongful death of a burglar named “Lefty” Masters who had a
fatal heart attack after catching Douglas and his wife Honey in the…er…sexual
act. Rocco Traviato, “Lefty’s” partner in crime, filed the suit. Oh what fun
the days after Christmas have become…”
(the sounds of fumbling papers)
Douglas: “How is it possible that I am being sued by a robber that entered my
house.”
Reggie: “It’s the law, you are somehow responsible for the people who come into
your home.”
Douglas: “How the hell, my dear Reggie, can I be held responsible for another
man’s heart condition?”
Reggie: “Well, I guess it depends on the situation. What were ya’ll doing when
he had the heart attack.”
Douglas: “Er…skip it!” (more sounds of fumbling tools) “Lets just finish
putting in this window.”
(Police Siren)
Douglas: “Great Scott, what now?”
Honey: (from up stairs) “Douglas, is that the police?”
Reggie: “Hey, there stopping here and getting down?”
Douglas: (annoyed and strained) “Are you Kidding?! Its officers Dale and
Kings.”
Officer Kings: (older voice yelling)“PUT YOUR HANDS ON YOUR HEAD AND HIT THE
GROUND YOU DANGED NAZI SPIES!”
Officer Dales: “Take it easy, Kings.”
Douglas: “What going on here officers?”
Officer Dales: “Well, Sir. We have a court order to prevent you from installing
this window.”
Douglas: “I don’t understand? Why in God’s name would anyone at the court want
me to cease and desist from installing this window?”
Officer Kings: “We can’t have you destroying evidence, Mac.”
Douglas: “Evidence?!”
Officer Dales: “I’m afraid he is right, this time Mr. McKillyou.”
Douglas: “But, these bullet holes were made days before those two broke into my
house.”
Officer Dales: “Judge Rhoder is just acting on a motion by Lorelei Carlisle,
identifying you as a dangerous psychopath and fiend.”
Douglas: “Lorelei Carlisle is representing Rocco Traviato? This is an outrage.
What about this huge hole Reggie and I made to install this window.”
Officer Dales: “Well, Sir. It is your problem, but I have an old canvas tarp I
can help you put over it.”
Douglas: “You know, you’re an alright guy... for a cop.”
Officer Dales: “Thank you, Sir. It means a lot to me…and you’re an alright guy…for
a potential criminal.”
Douglas: “Think nothing of it!”
Reggie: “Doug, don’t worry, I’ll help you out of this one. I know a good lawyer
that will help you out. Have you ever heard of Thomas M. Edwards?”
Douglas: “Why would a big shot lawyer like that help me out?”
Reggie: “He owes me a big favor, and what are friends for?”
NARRATOR: “…and so, Officer Dales, Officer Kings, Reggie and Doug put up the
tarp as the cold wind blows.”
Douglas: “Thanks guys, this will help a lot. Not as much as the window, but it
will help keep the late December wind out.”
Officer Kings: “Yup, this will sure help keep the JAPS out.”
Officer Dales: “Uh…yeah…well, you guys have a Happy New Year.”
Douglas: “I try.”
Reggie: “How are you going to deal with all this?”
Douglas: “Oh Reggie, come on in. I’ll deal with it the way all American’s do…at
the bottom of a bottle. (applause)
(MUSIC SWELLS)
NARRATOR: "Thank you and good night folks. Be sure to tune in next week
to, "One Night in Corpus Christi." Tonight’s episode is brought to
you in part by the folks at the offices of Dr. Romulus Peckinpaugh, Fertility
Associates; we’ll help you plow your field and improve your yield! Until
Next time.
(Music ends)