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“Home Invasion”

“Where Legal Eagles Dare”

Production Notes:

“Where Legal Eagles Dare” is the beginning of a series of episode that address the problems of the court system in the early 21st century.  In this episode, Douglas must endure an onslaught of legal issues, from a divorce suit filled by Honey’s mother, Dolores, to a wrongful death lawsuit filed against him by the burglar Rocco Traviato.    This was posted on the on December 25, 2003 at the Eric Von Wade Website. 


The episode begins by refreshing the audience’s memory about several important plot points.  Honey and Trixie discuss the bullet holes in the kitchen wall that were made during the episode, The Cat Burglar. Meanwhile, Douglas and Reggie are installing a large window in place of the bullet holes.


          At this point we are introduced to the long awaited Dolores Pendleton, Honey’s lesbian and ultra feminist mother.  She and Douglas clash from the onset.  We are also introduced to the character of Lorelei Carlisle, a lesbian lawyer Dolores has chosen for Honey.  Lorelei Carlisle also is representing Rocco Traviato against Douglas.  An especially short cameo by Wesley Hargrove, legal advisor, is made when he issues the summons to Douglas. 


          We also see the return of Officers Dale and King, who arrive to serve a court order preventing Douglas and Reggie from installing the window.  



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Dec. 25, 2003

One Night in Corpus Christi
“Where Legal Eagles Dare”
Written by Capt J.E. Carrales, III

(Opening Organ Music Theme Song)

Narrator: "RADIO STATION KEYS proudly presents the ERIC VON WADE RADIO DRAMA HOUR... (music swells) brought to you by the Corpus Christi Atheist Choir Boys and their latest recording effort Singing for the Hell of It!.

(Organ music swells and dies, catchy uplifting music)

NARRATOR: “There’s no time of day like those late afternoons when neighbors come over to help neighbors with those household projects. Since Douglas is on winter break from the school, he felt it was high time to repair those bullet holes in his kitchen wall. Lets join them in the kitchen where Douglas, Reggie, Honey and Trixie shoot the breeze…

(Sounds of saws and hammering in the background)

Trixie: “So, tell me again what happened to the wall?”

Honey: “A few weeks ago Doug thought he heard a burglar and rushed down stairs. He shot a few rounds with his submachine gun to scare the burglar off. Well, it was just a cat.”

Trixie: “Oh, My? You sure have busy nights here.”

(telephone rings)

Honey: “Hello…”

Dolores: (on the telephone) “Honey, (excited) I got your message that you threw that no good…man…out of your house. I’m going over right away!”

Honey: “Mother? What, you’re coming over today? Well, Doug and I are back together.”

Dolores: (on the telephone) “Don’t worry, Honey. I fix that right away…(dial tone)”

Honey: “Mother…? Hello…”

Trixie: “What’s happening?”

Honey: “Its my mother, she’s coming here now! Be ready for World War III!”
Trixie: “Well, I’d better run, as much as I would like to see Doug in full form against the Mega-Feminist Lesbian Wonder Woman.”

Narrator: “Over by the window totally unaware and oblivious to the prior conversation of the two women, Douglas and Reggie prepare to work.”

(Sounds of saws and hammering)

Douglas: “Ahhh, yes. Look at this at window, Reggie. It’s going to fit in nicely. That hole you made in the wall is perfect.”

Reggie: “Hey, isn’t this one of those Windows on the Soul I saw in the Smears and Rollback catalog?”

Douglas: “No, it’s a ‘Window of Necessity’ courtesy of the Thompson Center Fire Company.”

Honey: (Entering the Kitchen) “Hey, guys? How’s it hanging?”

Douglas: "If your talking about the window? It’s going O.K. "

Honey: "What, no smart ass comment?”

Douglas: "I save smart ass questions for people capable of giving smart answers"

Honey: "What?!" (incredulous)

(loud SLAP!)

Douglas: "Ouch! What’s that for?"

Honey: “Its for being a dumb ass!”

Douglas: "Hey, I have the smartest ass around. Not like yours, it’s a drop out…or shall I say drop down!”

Reggie: "Come on, guys! Let’s be civil."

Honey: “Reggie, with Doug its always Civil…War that is!” (laughs)

Douglas: "And, my dear, that’s why I love you. (kiss)

Honey: “Thank God, your not the idiot you sometimes appear to be.” (exiting) (laughs)

Reggie: “Hey, Doug, I’ve been wanting to ask you a question about a…uh…relationship I’m in.”

Douglas: “Really? What’s on your mind?”

Reggie: “What do you think of Mrs. Wunderkind?”

Douglas: “Greta Wunderkind? The lady who used to make cookies for our Cub Scout troop? She has to be at least 60 years old by now.”

Reggie: “Uh, yeah…and she’s only 57.”

Douglas: “Oh, Reggie. Don’t tell me you…with Mrs. Wunderkind. Damn it Reggie, what’s with you and older women!? I mean her husband is a World War II veteran, where’s your patriotism?”

Reggie: “Well, I didn’t mean for it to happen, but it seems her husband is several years older than her and he hasn’t been floating her boat.”

Douglas: “Stop it! Not another word…I’m trying to fight back the gag!” (laughs)

Reggie: “Maybe we should just concentrate on finishing this job.”

Douglas: “Yeah, lets do that. Every thing seems ready, what do you think Parkinson?”

Reggie: “The seam looks good, the molding is O.K. but I don’t think we have enough cock?”

(Suddenly Dolores, Douglas’ mother-in-law enters, the sound of high heel shoes grows louder)

Dolores: “Hello, male pigs, have you seen my daughter?”


(Music Swells and mood changes)


NARRTOR: “And so Douglas lies face to face with his lesbian mother-in-law, with only his wits and Reggie Parkinson.”

Dolores: “Don’t worry too much about that DUTCH BOY, his batteries are fully charged. I heard you broke my daughters heart on Christmas Eve, Baby killer!”

Douglas: “Baby Killer?! Oh, I forgot, your still in the 1960’s. What logic you bestow, Mr. Spock would be turning in his coffin. Calling me a baby killer when you are a known supporter of abortion.”

Dolores: “It’s a woman’s right to choose, that I support…and I wish my daughter would hurry up and choose a good divorce lawyer. So I’m helping her out. (yelling out) Lorelei… come over here, I want you to meet your new defendant.”

Lorelei Carlisle: “Good morning, Mr. McKillyou, my name is Lorelei Carlisle. I’m acting as your soon to be ex-wife’s counsel in this divorce case.”

Douglas: (surprised) “What!”

Lorelei Carlisle: “Yes, Ms Pendleton has taken the liberty of filing divorce proceedings on behalf Honey Drew Pendleton McKillyou.”

Douglas: “That’s ridiculous, Dolores can’t file for Honey’s divorce. Its not legal.”

Lorelei Carlisle: “Mr. McKillyou, I am a lawyer and this is the United States of America. Everyone knows it’s the lawyers and courts that make the law around here.”

Reggie: “UH…Hi, Mrs. Pendleton!”

Dolores: “Well if it isn’t Mavis Parkinson’s little boy. All grown up.”

Reggie: “Yes, its me. Do you want to go out Saturday night? I’ll pick you up at 7:30. How about Landru’s Restaurant?”

Dolores: “My dear poor hormonally challenged little boyish man, I’m afraid I don’t swing that way!”

Douglas: “Good, if you get a chance you can swing from that tree…by your neck.”

Dolores: “I’m rubber, your glue what ever you say bounces off of me and sticks to you!”

Douglas: “Rubber, please, I think you have me confused with your latex lover.”

Dolores: “Oooo! (yelling) Honey, get out here!”

Honey: “Hey, what’s going on out here. I can hear this racquet all the way up stairs. Mother! I didn’t expect you until later.”

Douglas: “Yes, it’s your mother. She’s taken the liberty of filing for divorce…our divorce.”

Honey: “What?! Mother, when are you going to realize that Doug and I are married and are, better than that, happily married?”

Dolores: "Honey, your just a little girl. You don’t know what’s good for you. Lorelei is here to…help you. She’s single, and a lawyer. A far better choice for you than this poor teacher."

Honey: “Mother, I think you need to leave now. I’m, for the last time, not going to be a lesbian and, what’s more, I’m tired of your failure to respect my marriage.”

Dolores: “Honey, you know very well that I don’t believe in heterosexual marriage. It never works, and trust me, I tried it five times.”

Reggie: “You were married five times?!”

Dolores: “Yes, no man could satisfy my…er…special needs.” (audience chuckles)

Douglas: "That’s your main problem. A marriage is based on love and respect, not the number of orgasms you get in a night. Its love not lust!”

Dolores: “Traditionalism, that’s all you represent. Pure traditionalism! Mark my words, Douglas, there are forces at work in this country that will put an end to your infantile hang-ups.”

Douglas: "What I don’t understand is, although you hate President Bush and all he stands for, why your lover, or partner or what ever you call her, actually look more like the President than he looks like himself!"

Dolores: “Well, I never!”

Douglas: "…And believe me, you never will!”

Dolores: “Come on, Lorelei, let’s leave these unenlightened…traditionalists…to their destiny. Good day!”

Douglas: (angry)"…and Good Riddens (defiantly)…and don’t let the door hit you on the way out! Lord knows your hips are wide enough!”

Reggie: “You know, Doug, I think I just got over my crush on your mother-in-law.”

Douglas: “You know; you finally came to your senses. Now, lets get this project finished.”

(Knock on the front gate)

Wesley Hargrove: "Excuse me, is one of you gentleman, Douglas S. McKillyou?”

Douglas: "Yes, I’m Douglas McKillyou. Who are you and what do you want."

Wesley Hargrove: "Uh…My name is Wesley Hargrove and I’m with the Court of Judge Ray L. Rhoder. You have been served, Sir.”

Reggie: “What is that, a summons?”

Wesley Hargrove: "Yes, have a good day, Sirs.”

Douglas: “Don’t worry Reggie, the other night Officer Dales of the C.C.P.D. told me that I might have to testify against some guy named Rocco for breaking into my house.”

Reggie: “I thought you said that it was a cat.”

Douglas: “No…the cat thing was a few nights before. After I shot these holes in this wall, a few nights latter we had a real burglar, two actually. One had a heart attack and died on my bedroom floor.”

Reggie: “You know we have a lot incidents in this neighborhood.”

(sound of ripping open an envelope)

Douglas: “What?! I don’t believe it. This is absolutely ridiculous!”

Reggie: “What happened?”

Douglas: “I’m being sued for the wrongful death of Rupert “Left” Masters, by Richard “Rocco” Traviato.”

(ominous music)


NARRATOR: "For those of you who have just tuned in, our hero Douglas McKillyou, was just served a summons to appear before the Court of Judge Ray L. Rhoder for the wrongful death of a burglar named “Lefty” Masters who had a fatal heart attack after catching Douglas and his wife Honey in the…er…sexual act. Rocco Traviato, “Lefty’s” partner in crime, filed the suit. Oh what fun the days after Christmas have become…”

(the sounds of fumbling papers)

Douglas: “How is it possible that I am being sued by a robber that entered my house.”

Reggie: “It’s the law, you are somehow responsible for the people who come into your home.”

Douglas: “How the hell, my dear Reggie, can I be held responsible for another man’s heart condition?”

Reggie: “Well, I guess it depends on the situation. What were ya’ll doing when he had the heart attack.”

Douglas: “Er…skip it!” (more sounds of fumbling tools) “Lets just finish putting in this window.”

(Police Siren)

Douglas: “Great Scott, what now?”

Honey: (from up stairs) “Douglas, is that the police?”

Reggie: “Hey, there stopping here and getting down?”

Douglas: (annoyed and strained) “Are you Kidding?! Its officers Dale and Kings.”


Officer Dales: “Take it easy, Kings.”

Douglas: “What going on here officers?”

Officer Dales: “Well, Sir. We have a court order to prevent you from installing this window.”

Douglas: “I don’t understand? Why in God’s name would anyone at the court want me to cease and desist from installing this window?”

Officer Kings: “We can’t have you destroying evidence, Mac.”

Douglas: “Evidence?!”

Officer Dales: “I’m afraid he is right, this time Mr. McKillyou.”

Douglas: “But, these bullet holes were made days before those two broke into my house.”

Officer Dales: “Judge Rhoder is just acting on a motion by Lorelei Carlisle, identifying you as a dangerous psychopath and fiend.”

Douglas: “Lorelei Carlisle is representing Rocco Traviato? This is an outrage. What about this huge hole Reggie and I made to install this window.”

Officer Dales: “Well, Sir. It is your problem, but I have an old canvas tarp I can help you put over it.”

Douglas: “You know, you’re an alright guy... for a cop.”

Officer Dales: “Thank you, Sir. It means a lot to me…and you’re an alright guy…for a potential criminal.”

Douglas: “Think nothing of it!”

Reggie: “Doug, don’t worry, I’ll help you out of this one. I know a good lawyer that will help you out. Have you ever heard of Thomas M. Edwards?”

Douglas: “Why would a big shot lawyer like that help me out?”

Reggie: “He owes me a big favor, and what are friends for?”

NARRATOR: “…and so, Officer Dales, Officer Kings, Reggie and Doug put up the tarp as the cold wind blows.”

Douglas: “Thanks guys, this will help a lot. Not as much as the window, but it will help keep the late December wind out.”

Officer Kings: “Yup, this will sure help keep the JAPS out.”

Officer Dales: “Uh…yeah…well, you guys have a Happy New Year.”

Douglas: “I try.”

Reggie: “How are you going to deal with all this?”

Douglas: “Oh Reggie, come on in. I’ll deal with it the way all American’s do…at the bottom of a bottle. (applause)


NARRATOR: "Thank you and good night folks. Be sure to tune in next week to, "One Night in Corpus Christi." Tonight’s episode is brought to you in part by the folks at the offices of Dr. Romulus Peckinpaugh, Fertility Associates; we’ll help you plow your field and improve your yield! Until Next time.

(Music ends)