Production Notes:
“Honey’s Christmas Carol” is somewhat based on Charles Dickens’s A Christmas Carol. In this episode, Honey is the main featured character and we learn a lot about her background. This was posted on the on December 23, 2003 at the Eric Von Wade Website.
The episode begins with a genuine fight
between Douglas and Honey over finances.
Honey throws Douglas out of the house and contemplates divorce. The Character of Throckmorton P.
Gildersleeve, the famous character from the old radio show The Great Gildersleeve, arrives
and announces the fact that three Radio show hosts will visit Honey. This reference to Gildersleeve is a nod to
the by gone days of radio past.
Tim Leggo, morning
show host, introduces us to several new characters in the Host of Christmas
Past segment. We meet Lester
Pendleton, honey’s father, and for the first time are exposed to Honey’s
mother, Dolores Pendleton. Since these
are in “flashback,” these characters are not fully developed and represent a
different feel than in later contemporary appearances. We also are introduced to several members of
the justice system that we will come to know later in the series.
Derrick Von Ray is
presented in Act II as the Host of Christmas Present, but it is Act III
that is the most interesting. Given by
Sven Swenson, evening talk host, we see a dim vision of the future where
Douglas dies and Howard Dean is elected president. This ACT has generated most comment from global readers who
claim, object to its depressing look at the future. In addition, many have objected to Douglas’ death and the
‘alternate’ Honey’s descent into Lesbianism.
The episode ends
when Douglas and Honey make up and agree never to sleep apart again. Reggie ends it with a tip of the hat to
Dickens by uttering Tiny Tim’s famous, “God Bless us, every one!”
Return to “One Night in Corpus” Main Page
KEYS RADIO SCRIPT # 2315
Dec. 23, 2003
One Night in Corpus Christi
“Honey’s Christmas Carol”
Written by Capt J.E. Carrales, III
ACT I
(Opening Organ Music Theme Song)
Narrator: "RADIO STATION KEYS proudly presents the ERIC VON WADE RADIO
DRAMA HOUR... (music swells) brought to you by the Corpus Christi People for
the Liberation of Zoo Animals.
(Organ music swells and dies, slight Christmas instrumental music)
NARRATOR: “Ha! Ha! Ha! Ho! Ho! Ho! It’s Christmas time in South Texas but our
hero is not in a festive mood. You see, a teacher doesn’t make very much money
and the bills are beginning to pile up. This having been said, it seems that
Mrs. McKillyou has made a few…exorbitant purchases.”
Douglas: (pacing back and forth) “Honey, how could you do this? After our
combined checks we only have $200 dollars left for the month.”
Honey: “Your such a chicken shit! All you worry about is money.”
Douglas: “Honey, someone has to worry. I won’t get paid until the 25th of
January, we aren’t even the 25th of December, yet. Bills are mounting and we
don’t have anything. And…what’s worse…you, a person who I am not confident even
believe in Christmas, have bought gifts for your ungrateful relatives.
(yelling) SOME OF WHOM I HAVE NEVER EVEN MET!”
Honey: “I don’t give a damn what you think, I’m going to give gifts to whom
ever I damn well please!”
Douglas: “Damn it! Why do you want to give away the house to people who don’t
care about us? Oh, never mind, that is what all LIBERALS do!”
Honey: “That did it! Get the hell out! (throwing) I don’t care where you go or
even whether or not you starve to death, just get the hell out of this house,
you bastard!”
(sound of a door slamming)
Narrator: “And so it was that Douglas McKillyou found himself out in the cold
on the night before Christmas while Honey basked in the feeling that she had
put her husband in his place. As the night got later, darker and colder,
Honey’s heart grew likewise. She ate her meal, originally for two, alone and
focused on thoughts of DIVORCE and SEPARATION, as had pleaded her mother over
and over again.”
Honey: (to herself) “Mother’s right, I have been married far to long to the
wrong person. Well, I seem to have (burp) eaten too much (yawn), I’ll have to
deal with this all in the morning.”
Narrator: “With that honey went to bed, alone and confident that she had won
the ultimate fight against her unreasonable husband. As she dozed off into the
realm of the Sandman, a strange wind blew beyond the window and a somewhat
frigid presence entered the room. ”
Throckmorton P. Gildersleeve: (Deep booming voice) “Well, this certainly is a
nice bedroom. Excuse me, young lady, do you know where I can find Mrs. Douglas
McKillyou (MUTTERS) One o'clock in the morning!”
Honey: Who are you and what are you doing in here?”
Throckmorton P. Gildersleeve: “By George, I can't stand this! My Name is
Throckmorton P. Gildersleeve! I used to be the biggest name in Radio
about…oh…50 years ago. I don't care whether it makes me look foolish or not,
but I’m here to show you the error of your ways.”
Honey: “Get out, or I’ll call the police!”
Throckmorton P. Gildersleeve: “You’re a hard woman, Mrs. McKillyou…(laughs)
What are you going to tell them? A radio figure from 50 years ago is in your
house?”
Honey: “True, you have a point there! I think I’ve read this book before…I
know, I’m going to be visited by three ghosts.”
Throckmorton P. Gildersleeve: “No, you are going to be visited by three hosts!
They are going to show you the problem of being too liberal, my dear. By
George, I had the same problem with Leroy once.”
Honey: “This is crazy, I must be having a nightmare. Probably from over eating
and drinking, never again!”
Throckmorton P. Gildersleeve: “(sniff sniff) It seems that you have already
been visited by three spirits my dear; Rum, Gin and Tequila.”
Honey: “Funny!”
Throckmorton P. Gildersleeve: “ Well, I’ve gotta get back to Leroy, Mr. Peavey
and the gang! Listen to these hosts… (fading) they have good ratings… (still
fading and add echo)… Leroy, what have you done…”
Honey: “Whoa! …and that’s why I don’t do drugs.”
Narrator: “Well, that was strange? In any case, Honey chose to dismiss the
Great Gildersleeve as a figment of her imagination and, after a little
self-justification, a really bizarre bad dream. Soon she was back locked in the
bonds of deep slumber. But, then the bird clock Douglas had bought her chimed
two-o’clock.”
(radio music begins to start)
Honey: “What the… who’s in here. I have a gun…er…I mean a really big cane!”
Tim Leggo: “Good morning, I’m Tim Leggo, the Host of Christmas Past, and you
are listening to my show. In fact, Mrs. McKillyou, you are my special guest.”
Honey: “Hey, this isn’t my bedroom. Where am I?”
Tim Leggo: “Well, this is your bedroom…way back in 1975. When you were a little
girl. It was the disco era, a year before the bicentennial. You are such a
cute, small and loveable child.”
Young Honey: “Hey, Barbie. Today is Christmas Eve! That means a few more toys
and a visit from Santa Clause.”
Honey: “Look at how stupid and ignorant I was.”
Tim Leggo: “I wouldn’t say ignorant, you believed in things. Things you
couldn’t really see, yet you knew they were there. Millions of children believe
in Santa Clause, not because he is real, but because of the true spirit of
giving he represents. Gifts to the ones you love, not to impress those that you
think you should.”
Lester Pendleton: “Hey, Honey, you need to go to sleep or Santa Clause just
might pass the house.”
Young Honey: “O.K. Daddy, what do you think he will bring me?”
Lester Pendleton: “Oh, Honey, I’m sure what ever it is you will like it a lot.”
Young Honey: “Daddy, I love you! (kiss)”
Honey: “My, Dad?! Funny, I don’t remember him being loving like that?”
Tim Leggo: “What do you remember?”
Honey: “My mother, told me he was a no good bastard that abandoned us. All he
wanted was money.”
Tim Leggo: “So, all these years you’ve listened to the ravings of your man
hating mother and grew to hate your father.”
Honey: “Well, he was never there for me. He didn’t go to my graduation or my
wedding. When I needed him most he wasn’t there.”
Tim Leggo: “Lets continue…”
Dolores Pendleton: (yelling)“LESTER…where the hell are you!?”
Lester Pendleton: “I’m in here with Honey, Dear. She’s going to bed…you
know…waiting for Santa Clause!”
Dolores Pendleton: (yelling)“SANTA CLAUSE doesn’t exist. I’m so tired of you
and your idiotic traditions.”
Lester Pendleton: “But, Dolores, its Christmas? Don’t ruin it for the girl.”
Dolores Pendleton: (yelling) “Hurry, up and get dressed, we have to go to the
Donaldson’s party!”
Lester Pendleton: “I thought we would stay here and bring in the holiday
together, here in our home with our child.”
Dolores Pendleton: (yelling) “Damn it, LESTER! I have friends and an image to
maintain. If you don’t want to go stay here and be the damn boring man you are,
I’m going with or without you.”
Lester Pendleton: “Well, I’m staying here, with Honey!”
Honey: “That is my Dad! I remember him now. (sniff)…and I remember what
happened? Hey, where are we now?”
Tim Leggo: “This is a courtroom, the year is 1978, it’s the week before
Christmas.”
Judge Steven Rhoder: “And it is my ruling that I grant Mrs. Dolores Pendleton a
full divorce on the grounds that Mr. Lester Pendleton has failed to assume the
roll of a true husband.”
Thomas M. Edwards: “Objection, Your Honor, the record must reflect Mrs.
Pendleton’s various instances of adultery and the fact that she has been living
with various other men in that period.”
Judge Steven Rhoder: “So, noted…I will however, insist that the minor Honey
Drew Pendleton remain in the full custody of her mother. Mr. Pendleton, you are
not to have any contact with the child until she reaches the age of 18.
Lester Pendleton: “No…that’s not possible! She’s not a fit mother. You can’t do
that I love my daughter…Honey…Please don’t do this
(sobbing)…please…(pleading)…”
Judge Steven Rhoder: “I’m sorry, Mr. Pendleton, that is my ruling. It is the
precedent of this court that custody shall always be granted to the mother. By
the principle of stare decisis, this act is so. Next case… (Rap of a
gavel)
Honey: “No, Daddy. Please, Mr. Leggo, don’t make me live this again. Why did
you show me this?”
Tim Leggo: “To show you the roots of your bitterness and superficiality about
the true meaning of Christmas (static)… well, that’s the end of hour
two…(static)..we’ll see you again tomorrow…(sustained static)…
ACT II
NARRATOR: “Honey laid in bed slightly teary eyed until she suddenly awoke. All
was quiet save for the hum of the central heating and the illuminated alarm
clock showed that it was 2:58 a.m.”
Honey: “What’s wrong with me? I’m crying. It’s been a long time since I’ve
really cried. Whoa, but that was an intense dream. No more mixing liquors for
me, no wonder they call it a ‘suicide.’”
(alarm chimes 3:00)
(Radio Talk show music)
Derrick Von Ray: “Its 1 minute after 3 o'clock here in Honey McKillyou’s
bedroom. I talk, therefore, I think. I am Derrick Von Ray. Great to have you
back with me for hour three. It's Christmas, December the 25th, 2003. And as I
told you, we've got a very special guest for you, somebody I can't wait to talk
to, straight from throwing her husband out of the house. We're proud to have
Honey Pendleton McKillyou, welcome Mrs. McKillyou…
Honey: “Uh…you’re that creepy conservative talk show host that my husband likes
to listen to.”
Derrick Von Ray: “Today, I’m the Host of Christmas Present. I can understand
that your liberal upbringing might leave you with a bad taste in your mouth
when it comes to me. So this is a fascinating opportunity, though -- at least,
I see it that way -- to talk with somebody who has actually been effected by
the blight of liberalism and the chance to bring them back from the brink of
leftist pitfall.”
Honey: “I’m sorry, but nothing you say or do will make me change my mind.”
Derrick Von Ray: “Now, now, now; Mrs. McKillyou, since we are in the “present”
we kind of have trouble seeing the way things are. It’s like hiding something
in plain sight. What you have done tonight to your husband is almost, inhuman
and definitely un-American.”
Honey: “What are you going to show me?”
Derrick Von Ray: “First, you know Doug is very frustrated with all the crap he
has to put up with at his job. (I thought was obvious to everyone that he faces
an important job with little appreciation.) Second, EVERY thing that you tell
him is a derivation of some BS your mother has drilled into you since you were
a little girl. Third, it is important to note the you are well aware of your
family’s financial situation, along with your husband’s constant worry about
you, and you still spend and spend and spend.”
Honey: “Hey, I work too. Its not all his money.”
Derrick Von Ray: “No, its money that belongs to your union as a family. Doug is
only worried about keeping money for the future. He hates living from paycheck
to paycheck. And, yes, that money you earn is technically yours, but that only
goes to augment the problems you cause. You’re spending both his and your
money.”
Honey: “Damn, I hate it when you make sense.”
Derrick Von Ray: “Most liberals do.”
Honey: “What am I supposed to do? We make money; we should be allowed to spend
it. What if Doug saves and saves and then dies a year from now.”
Derrick Von Ray: “What if he lives to be a hundred? Are you willing to live on
the streets in the future for a few items of pleasure that that will no doubt
clutter your garage.”
Honey: “Well?”
Derrick Von Ray: “But, Mrs. McKillyou, that is not what I came here this
morning to tell and show you. Come with me…” (sound of window opening and wind)
Honey: “Damn, I’m flying…”
Derrick Von Ray: “Here, we are?”
Honey: “Where are we?”
Derrick Von Ray: “Uh? Right next door at the home of your neighbor, Reggie
Parkinson. Don’t tell me you’ve never been here?”
Honey: “Actually, no. He spends so much time in our kitchen I’ve never even
really thought of what the inside of his house looked like.”
Douglas: “I don’t know, Reggie. I think its over between Honey and me.”
Reggie Parkinson: “No! Doug, you know I’ve living vicariously through you and
Honey. Well, except for the sex part! …er…maybe I shouldn’t have brought that
up.”
Douglas: “Reggie, where did I go wrong? I love her but its been fighting ever
since I said I do. I’m a failure as a husband! All I wanted was to save up
money so we could fix up the house and live like she deserves to. Maybe even go
on a Cruise.”
Reggie Parkinson: “Doug, you worry too much!”
Douglas: “Hell, it seems like I’m the only one that does worry. As if I’m the
only one shouldering the weight of the world. Sometimes, it’s just way too
much! I’m not a saint.”
Reggie Parkinson: “What now, then?”
Douglas: “I’ll have to find some way to live without the woman I love, just
because she listens to her stupid mother. (Breaks down and cries)”
Honey: “I’ve…I’ve never seen Douglas cry like that. Did I do that?”
Derrick Von Ray: “While he loves to battle wits with you, and you seem to like
doing it with him, when it comes down to it. He gives much more to your
relationship than you seem to. You know, he turned down a promising career in
the Air Force so that he could marry you and settle down here in his hometown
rather than moving away. He never really buys anything for himself, mostly for
the house and especially for you. He took a lot from your mother about you
getting a job, even though you know he was happy for you.”
Honey: “Damn!”
Derrick Von Ray: “I really want you to think, how did you spend Christmas this
year, was it with your husband, like your father spent with you, or was it
alone. You see, there must be something magical about a traditional family
Christmas after all.”
Honey: “Whoa! (sob) I’m crying. What’s with this?”
Derrick Von Ray: “Its just your conscience kicking you. It should do it every
time, like a shower of cold actuality.”
(alarm sounds)
Act III
NARRATOR: “Visited by two out of three hosts, Honey sat awake in her bed either
sobbing or on the verge of sobbing. As the clock chimes four o’clock it seems
as if Honey is all alone. And it’s a feeling she cannot stand…”
(static)
Honey: “Hello? I hear you out there, are you the Host of Christmas future!”
Sven Swenson: “That’s my name.”
(applause)
Honey: “I recognize your voice, you’re the west coast conservative, Sven
Swenson.”
Sven Swenson: “Well, you know me and I know you. Your Honey McKillyou.”
Honey: “Are you going to show me the future, or what might be the future?”
Sven Swenson: “I really can’t say. According to the way this is supposed to go,
I’m not even supposed to talk. But what kind of show host would I be if I were
silent. Now lets go to the phones…we have Cal in Texas. What’s on your mind
Cal?”
Cal: (on the phone) “Uh. Yes. Great show, Sven.”
Sven Swenson: “Thanks.”
Cal: (on the phone) “I was wondering, what was going to happen to Doug now that
Honey has left him?”
Sven Swenson: “Good question, Cal. As far as my research goes, and we do a lot
of it, he dies in the next war.”
Honey: “What? He dies in Iraq? Afghanistan? North Korea? Why did he join back
into the Air Force?
Sven Swenson: “Actually, no. He dies at something called the Battle of
Falfurrias.”
Honey: “Falfurrias? That’s only about 80 miles away. What happened?”
Sven Swenson: “That was, oh, back in 2005. After President Howard Dean
consolidated the military into one branch and then cut it in half…twice. You
see, Islamist Terrorists marshaled in the deserts of Northern Mexico. Since
Mexico’s immigration policy was lacking, these Terrorists infiltrated Mexico
with the help of Castro’s Cuba. All of these Terrorists took vows to die
killing Americans and in early 2005, they organized.”
Honey: “Couldn’t the government use its technology and intelligence to see them
and stop them?”
Sven Swenson: “Sadly, no. President Dean, in an attempt to garner more support
from radical Hispanic groups and the votes of illegal aliens, felt that such an
act was a violation of Mexico’s national sovereignty. A group of 30,000
Terrorists crossed the Rio Grande into South Texas armed with Cuban supplied
arms in December 2005.”
Honey: “How did Douglas get involved in that?”
Sven Swenson: “When they cross into the Rio Grade Valley they captured a small
town, Arroyo City, Texas and killed everyone there. They easily over powered
the Brownsville, Police Department and begin killing everyone they encountered.
When the news reached Corpus Christi, small groups of people formed into
militias. Douglas and Reggie, both former military officers, formed companies
and went to meet the enemy.”
Honey: “Why didn’t the military stop them!”
Sven Swenson: “You know very well, that the nearest Army base is in San
Antonio. It was the holidays; the 4-hour drive alone would have cost the death
of many a Valley civilian. It would take several days to recall and mobilize a
reaction force. The closure of NAS Corpus Christi and the Corpus Christi Army
Depot by President Dean’s, “Give Peace a Chance” Base Closure Program, only
made matters worse.”
Honey: “How did he…how did Douglas die?”
Sven Swenson: “I happened on Christmas Day, 2005. He and his company were
pinned down by the Terrorists at the Whataburger at the intersection of Highway
281 and 285. If it had been any other enemy, a capitulation might be reached, but
these terrorists were determined to fight to the death. When killing Americans
is a ticket into heaven, there is no surrender. Doug and Reggie retreated back
to old 281 and a terrorist bullet struck him and went through his chest. He
died on the steps of the Pioneer Theater with his friend Reggie firing at the
on coming enemy. Reggie took his shattered friend to Kingsville where the final
stand was made. All the Terrorists were finally killed, but at a great cost.
Over 300,000 Americans died in the Valley and in South Texas.”
Honey: “I…I…don’t know what to say?”
Sven Swenson: “I‘ve got much more to show you. Follow me.”
(sound of flying through the air)
Honey: “Where are we now?”
Sven Swenson: “This is your bedroom, in Corpus Christi… that same Christmas
night. And there you are in bed.”
Honey: “What’s up with me? Why is my hair like that and why am I dressed that
way.”
Sven Swenson: “Uh…well? It’s kind of complicated.”
Honey: “Who’s that under the covers next to me? Did I remarry?”
Sven Swenson: “Uh…No.”
(sound of woman turning over in bed)
Yvonne: “Come on, Honey. Turn the light off and come a little closer.”
Honey: “Egad!? I’m a lesbian. Gag!…and with Yvonne!”
Sven Swenson: “Not really, its just how you get ahead at your job. A divorced
working career girl knows all the tricks up the ladder of success!”
Honey: “Get me out of here, Host of Christmas Future!”
Sven Swenson: “O.k. I only have one more place to take you!”
(sound of flying)
Honey: “Where are we know, a cemetery?”
Sven Swenson: “Yup!”
Honey: “Oh, I see. This is where you show me my own grave?”
Sven Swenson: “not quite.”
Honey: “Oh, you’re going to show me Douglas’ grave?”
Sven Swenson: “Guess again…better yet…look for yourself.”
Honey: “What is this? This is the grave of Belinda McKillyou. Who’s Belinda
McKillyou?”
Sven Swenson: “You’ve seen enough!”
Honey: “No, wait. Who’s Belinda McKillyou?”
Sven Swenson: “That’s it for me, if you have anything else please try to get it
in on First Amendment Friday”
(Static)
Narrator: “Honey again wakes up and begins crying, but this time the sun is up.
Why, its Christmas morning!”
Honey: “Damn, what have I done?” (sound of getting out of bed and running
outside.”
Reggie Parkinson: “Whoa? (surprised) Honey, its pretty cold out here, don’t you
think you should be wearing something more than just a robe and nightgown?”
Honey: “(excited) Merry Christmas, Reggie. Where’s Douglas? Where’s Douglas?”
Reggie Parkinson: “He’s in my Kitchen trying to make coffee. What up? He’s
pretty down. Well it’s not any of my business, but…”
Honey: “In your kitchen? Thanks, Reggie, you’re the best! (calling out) Doug!”
(sound of Reggie’s kitchen door)
Douglas: “Reggie, is that you. I think your breaker went out again.”
Honey: “Oh, Douglas!”
(Loud Kiss)
Douglas: “Hey, what was that for?”
Honey: “That’s for just being you.”
Douglas: “Oh, Honey, I’m sorry. I’m really sorry. Lets never sleep away from
each other again!”
Honey: “No! No! I’m the one who’s sorry. I was unreasonable…I just had to sleep
alone one it to really understand how much I love you. (crying)”
Reggie Parkinson: God Bless us, Everyone!
NARRATOR: "From all of us here at “One Night in Corpus Christi” to all of
you, have a very merry Christmas and the best of the season. Thank you and good
night folks. Be sure to tune in next week to, "One Night in Corpus."
Remember to read “The Way it Never Was,” by Dr. Don Nau. Have a good
one… (applause)
(Music ends)