“Shattered Principal”
Production Notes:
Education is the initial theme of “Shattered Principal.” The tone of Act I is a bit more sinister
and serious than in other episodes. This was posted on the on December 16, 2003
at the Eric Von Wade Website. Here
we learn definitively that Douglas is a Gulf War veteran and of the true nature
of Principal Dumples. Reflected in
Douglas’ situation is the constant frustration that teachers face when distant
administrators give faceless directives.
Principal Dumples represents a type of American that is more dangerous
than even the hated welfare bum.
Dumples is the professional leach that lives off the system, a tapeworm
on society.
Additionally, we
tackle the concept of workplace sex.
After extremely stressful phone conservation with the acerbic Mayor
Floyd Freely, Councilman Parkinson is seduced by his 57 year-old secretary,
Mrs. Wunderkind. Additionally, Honey’s
happiness is in jeopardy as her fellow teller, Yvonne, works on the boss. Yvonne’s husband has left her, mostly likely
due to her depressing outlook on life, and she seeks solace in the counsel of
her yet to be named boss.
Not much is
revealed in terms of plot, but the tension between Councilman Parkinson and
other city officials is becoming more strained. Councilwoman Kubrick is mentioned, but is yet to make an
appearance.
KEYS RADIO SCRIPT # 2312
Dec. 9, 2003
One Night in Corpus Christi
“Shattered Principal”
Written by Capt J.E. Carrales, III
ACT I
(Opening Organ Music Theme Song)
Narrator: "RADIO STATION KEYS proudly presents the ERIC VON WADE RADIO
DRAMA HOUR... (music swells) brought to you by the Society for the Ugly and
Repulsive.
(Organ music swells and dies, catchy uplifting music)
NARRATOR: “Our hero, Douglas McKillyou, slightly dazed from lack of sleep due
to the home invasion of the night before hardly spoke a word to his wife,
Honey, at breakfast and managed to avoid his best friend Councilman Reggie
Parkinson. The drive to work was silent
with not some much as the usual Tim Leggo Show or NRP Morning Version
liberal diatribe. Ho-hum, The meeting
he must endure with his boss, Principal Herman Dumples, troubles our hero. And so, at a local Corpus Christi High
School…
(sounds of
students in the hallway)
Douglas: (door
closes and sound in hallway muffled or inaudible) “Mrs. Mallow, is Principal
Dumples in his office, he asked to see me this morning.”
Mrs. Mallow:
“Oh, Mr. McKillyou, it seems like the life of a school secretary is never
done. Yes, he’s expecting you…go right
on in.”
Douglas:
“Thank you.” (sound of Doug entering the office)
Principal
Dumples: “Ahh, Mr. McKillyou, come on in.
I did expect you to be so…early.”
Douglas: “I
always come it at this time, Sir.”
Principal
Dumples: “Really, well…I guess its possible, I try to leave this room as little
as possible. It helps me keep my
perspective on the school without being baised by what I see in the halls.”
Douglas: “Is
that a fact, Sir.”
Principal
Dumples: “Truth is, Mrs. Mallow and the four assistant principals are the ones
that really run this place. I just sit
here and…well, now… its not me we are here to discuss.”
Douglas:
“No. I assume you want to talk about
me, Sir.”
Principal
Dumples: “Yes, about your act of defiance and sheer insolence the other
day. We can’t have lesser qualified
employees telling administrators how to do their job.”
Douglas: “If you say so, Sir.”
Principal
Dumples: “You agree that it is no place for a janitor to tell you have to teach
the students, or for a cafeteria lady to tell you how to make your lesson
plans.”
Douglas: “But, that’s different. You
and I are equals, both educated men.”
Principal Dumples: “Poor man, you just don’t get it do you? Do you mind if I tell you a personal story?
Don’t worry about being late to your class, I took the liberty of pulling the
library aide out of her post to cover your class is we went over time.”
Douglas: “I guess.”
Principal Dumples: “Do you see that picture of that man on my desk?”
Douglas: “Yes.”
Principal Dumples: “Do you know who that is?”
Douglas: “No,
Sir, I have no clue.”
Principal
Dumples: “That’s Mr. Millhouse Rotterdam, my 8th Grade American
History Teacher. A man that changed my
life, it was because of him that I went into education.”
Douglas:
“Really, was he a master teacher?”
Principal
Dumples: “No, quite the opposite. He
was the worse teacher a person could ever have?”
Douglas: “So…he inspired you to become the best educator you could be?”
Principal Dumples: “Again no. (chuckle)
He showed me that a man could come into teaching and, while under the
pretense of teaching, assign the class unlimited worksheets while he simply
read the newspaper all day and collect a paycheck.”
Douglas: (stunned) “What!?”
Principal Dumples: “Yes, Mr. McKillyou, he taught me the best lesson of all,
how to use the system.”
Douglas: “I don’t know what to say, I’ve never been so disgusted in all my
life.”
Principal Dumples: “I see some other administrator during your early years
filled your head with the idea that you could make a difference. This person told you should work your life
out for these children. I don’t know if
you realize it, but this nation is slowly being run by elites. Its always been a case of who you know,
rather than what you know. Just look at
the Gifted and Talented classes. Who
makes up the majority of them? Is it
true achievers, or children of big wigs from the community?”
Douglas: “How
dare you call me in here and tell me these things and expect me to teach class
today!”
Principal
Dumples: “You still haven’t learned, play the system. You were in the military weren’t you?”
Douglas: “Yes,
the Air Force during the Gulf War!
Why?”
Principal
Dumples: “I was in the Army in the mid 1980’s. I rose to the rank of sergeant
and do you know how? ”
Douglas: “No,
but I’m afraid you are going to tell me.”
Principal
Dumples: “It’s knowing how to play the system.
As a private I figured out who needed to be ‘buttered up’ and who I
could use the system against. If a
sergeant got in my way or made me do something I wasn’t about to do, there was
always a liberal officer in the officer of the Inspector General’s office who I
could file a grievance with. Before long, I was the sergeant! If the Captain needed something done, I had
my ways of making others make the company work. The credit was all mine.
If the Captain said jump, I should him who high my platoon could!”
Douglas: “Oh
you have it all figured out do you?
Those that play the system have it the best do they?”
Principal
Dumples: “Yes, that’s how I made sergeant. A higher standard than the rest of
the poor schmucks! (chuckle) What was
your rank in the Air Force?”
Douglas: “Oh,
it was Captain.”
Principal
Dumples: (furious)“Get Out! (YELLING)
Get the hell out of my office!
I’m submitting your name to the Superintendent’s Office for termination
on the grounds of insubordination and unprofessionalism! Get out of HERE, NOW!”
(serious
ominous music to transitional theme)
ACT II
NARRTOR: “Ouch, that’s gotta ruin a man’s day, but our hero will sally
forth. Meanwhile, Reggie Parkinson was
just getting to his office…”
(Telephones
ringing)
Reggie Parkinson: “Good morning, Mrs. Wunderkind, how are you this morning?”
Mrs. Wunderkind: "Better tan you, Sir.
You have had 364 calls this morning, including this one on hold…It’s
Mayor Freely, Sir.”
Reggie Parkinson: “Damn! I’d better take it.
Pipe it through to my office!”
Mrs. Wunderkind: "O.K., I hope you’ve got religion, he seems mad!”
Reggie Parkinson: “Mrs. Wunderkind, I have the best kind of religion. The one you use when you really need it!”
(phone rings,
swiftly answered)
Reggie Parkinson: “Hello, Councilman Parkinson speaking.”
Mayor Floyd
Freely: (on telephone): “See here, Parkinson, you’re shaking up the whole town
with your bisexuality! What are you
some kind of pervert?”
Reggie
Parkinson: “Mr. Mayor, I expected to here from you yesterday! I’ve been meaning to talk to you about
that. You see…” (interrupted)
Mayor Floyd
Freely: (on telephone): “Quit flapping you gums and listen up! I just found out about this today. I’m the mayor of a city of over 200,000
residents, you can’t expect me to be informed!”
Reggie
Parkinson: “Well, Sir. You are a busy
man, and…” (interrupted)
Mayor Floyd
Freely: (on telephone): “Hold it right there, Mr. Parkinson, don’t try to use
your charms on me. I’m so straight I
can’t even bend over to pick up a dime.
Just keep your perversions to yourself.”
Reggie Parkinson: “Mayor Freely, please.
I didn’t mean anything by it. I
am not…” (interrupted)
Mayor Floyd
Freely: (on telephone): “Councilwoman Kupbrick is pounding the street raising a
ruckus! She says the people wouldn’t
have elected you if they had known of your…er…queeriosity! They want to recall
you! We can’t afford these problems in
the wake of the Landru’s Restaurant deal.
Do you understand? ”
Reggie Parkinson: “Yes, Sir. But I’m
not a bi…” (interrupted)
Mayor Floyd Freely: (on telephone): “At this point I don’t want to hear your
voice! Good day!” (Dial tone)
Reggie Parkinson: “Hello? Mr.
Mayor? Damn! Mrs. Wunderkind…”
Mrs. Wunderkind: (from other room) “Yes, Councilman?”
Reggie Parkinson: “Get me a bicarbonate of soda and see if you can get
Councilwoman Kuprick’s office.”
Mrs. Wunderkind: (from other room) “Yes, Sir. Anything else, Sir?”
Reggie Parkinson: “See if you can raise Honey McKillyou at the Corpus Christi
Building and Loan. Ask her to tell he
husband to take a personal day I need his support.”
Mrs. Wunderkind: (from other room) “Sir, hasn’t your…er… ‘lifestyle’ gotten you
in enough trouble without this? Try to
fight it, lust is the devils way of saying I want you!”
Reggie Parkinson: “Not you too, Mrs. Wunderkind? I’m not a bisexual! I love women and only play golf with men.”
Mrs. Wunderkind: (entering from other room) “Really?”
Reggie Parkinson: “Yes, really! What do
I have to do to prove it to you people?”
Mrs. Wunderkind: “Well?” (sound of zipper)
Reggie Parkinson: “(incredulous) Mrs. Wunderkind, well I never?”
Mrs. Wunderkind: “I you never will with that attitude, Councilman Parkinson!”
(kissing)
Reggie Parkinson: “…but what would your husband say?”
Mrs. Wunderkind: “Nothing! The only
thing going up below his waist is his pant size! Anyway, I don’t love you. Consider this to be like the …J.C. Penny’s
One Day Sale!”
Reggie Parkinson: “Well, I’ve never been one to say no to a hand out!”
(cheerful MUSIC…er…SWELLS)
ACT III
NARRATOR: "Oh, my! It seems Reggie
Parkinson had a swell time at work today. (chuckle) Well, next we zoom to
another workplace and the end of another person’s workday. Namely the ever so shapely, Honey McKillyou.
(the sounds of a bank, crowds)
Honey: “You know, Yvonne, it seems like these people waited until 5:15 to come
in to make their deposits and withdrawals.”
Yvonne: “Looks that way!”
Honey: “All
these people, going from one life to the next like going from one teller to the
next.”
Yvonne: (annoyed)“You think too much!”
Honey: “Well, sorry? Who pissed in your
Cheerios?” (shuffling of money as if counting) “Next customer please?”
Randolph:
“Hello, Mrs. McKillyou?”
Honey: “Hello,
Mr. Randolph. Yvonne, this is Mr. Edgar
Randolph he works at the school where my husband does?”
Yvonne: (annoyed)“You know, you talk too much too!”
Honey: “Wha…Yvonne, Your husband called?”
Yvonne:
(excited)“Really, what did he say?”
Honey: “Ooops, sorry, my mistake. It
was my husband. Yours is still with
that female taxi driver with the big lips. Hey, I wonder what she’s using them
for right now?”
Yvonne: (sobbing)“Wah!…(sobbing and running away).. and you’re a real bitch
too!” (running away)
Randolph:
“Poor, mixed up kid.”
Honey: “Don’t worry about her. She’ll just go to the boss, cry on his shoulder
then on his thigh… and then…well, you get the picture.”
Randolph: “Such evil in the world.”
Honey: “Well, what do you need from the Bank today, Mr. Randolph?”
Randolph:
“Well, just to deposit these checks into my account and to tell you about what
your husband is up to.”
Honey: (sarcastically) “Really, what’s he up to?”
Randolph: “Well, he is going to become… (whispered)…Catholic .”
Honey: “Oh, really. Did he tell you
this?”
Randolph: “Yes, I knew I could count on his wife to return him to the straight
and narrow path.”
Honey: “What makes you think that?”
Randolph: “Everyone knows that from the moment a woman marries a man she begins
to whittle away at his spirit. You
start to make unwarranted demands on him, take him from things you likes to do,
nag him until he no long has the will to have a ‘free will’ and, most of all,
deny him of the thing he thinks most about.”
Honey: “You mean sex?”
Randolph: “No…Food.” (laughs)
Honey: “I’ll have a talk with him about it.”
Randolph: “I knew I could count on you, Mrs. McKillyou. Have a good day?”
Honey: “You too, Mr. Randolph…(under here breath too herself) you God Damned
freak.”
Yvonne: (In background) “Thank you, Mister, I knew I could depend on you to
help through those sad moments after my husband left me!”
Honey: “Well, I’m glad your feeling better.”
Yvonne: “Don’t
even try to be nice to me. Your still a
Bitch!”
Honey: “Oh,
look Yvonne, your hair is still out of place from your…counseling session!”
Yvonne: “Who
cares? He felt so sorry for me that he
appointed me to head teller! Tomorrow,
you’ll be working for me! We’ll see
who’s down on their knees then!”
Honey: “You
know; I’m really starting to hate this job!”
NARRATOR: "Thank you and good night folks. Be sure to tune in next week
to, "One Night in Corpus." Remember for fine Mexican dinning to eat
at Casa de Cucarachas; we have roaches, why lie?”
(Music ends)