“Shattered Principal”

Production Notes:

Education is the initial theme of “Shattered Principal.”    The tone of Act I is a bit more sinister and serious than in other episodes. This was posted on the on December 16, 2003 at the Eric Von Wade Website.  Here we learn definitively that Douglas is a Gulf War veteran and of the true nature of Principal Dumples.  Reflected in Douglas’ situation is the constant frustration that teachers face when distant administrators give faceless directives.  Principal Dumples represents a type of American that is more dangerous than even the hated welfare bum.  Dumples is the professional leach that lives off the system, a tapeworm on society.


          Additionally, we tackle the concept of workplace sex.  After extremely stressful phone conservation with the acerbic Mayor Floyd Freely, Councilman Parkinson is seduced by his 57 year-old secretary, Mrs. Wunderkind.  Additionally, Honey’s happiness is in jeopardy as her fellow teller, Yvonne, works on the boss.  Yvonne’s husband has left her, mostly likely due to her depressing outlook on life, and she seeks solace in the counsel of her yet to be named boss.


          Not much is revealed in terms of plot, but the tension between Councilman Parkinson and other city officials is becoming more strained.  Councilwoman Kubrick is mentioned, but is yet to make an appearance.



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Dec. 9, 2003

One Night in Corpus Christi
“Shattered Principal”
Written by Capt J.E. Carrales, III

(Opening Organ Music Theme Song)

Narrator: "RADIO STATION KEYS proudly presents the ERIC VON WADE RADIO DRAMA HOUR... (music swells) brought to you by the Society for the Ugly and Repulsive.

(Organ music swells and dies, catchy uplifting music)

NARRATOR: “Our hero, Douglas McKillyou, slightly dazed from lack of sleep due to the home invasion of the night before hardly spoke a word to his wife, Honey, at breakfast and managed to avoid his best friend Councilman Reggie Parkinson.  The drive to work was silent with not some much as the usual Tim Leggo Show or NRP Morning Version liberal diatribe.  Ho-hum, The meeting he must endure with his boss, Principal Herman Dumples, troubles our hero.  And so, at a local Corpus Christi High School…


(sounds of students in the hallway)


Douglas: (door closes and sound in hallway muffled or inaudible) “Mrs. Mallow, is Principal Dumples in his office, he asked to see me this morning.”


Mrs. Mallow: “Oh, Mr. McKillyou, it seems like the life of a school secretary is never done.  Yes, he’s expecting you…go right on in.”


Douglas: “Thank you.” (sound of Doug entering the office)


Principal Dumples: “Ahh, Mr. McKillyou, come on in.  I did expect you to be so…early.”


Douglas: “I always come it at this time, Sir.”


Principal Dumples: “Really, well…I guess its possible, I try to leave this room as little as possible.  It helps me keep my perspective on the school without being baised by what I see in the halls.”


Douglas: “Is that a fact, Sir.”


Principal Dumples: “Truth is, Mrs. Mallow and the four assistant principals are the ones that really run this place.  I just sit here and…well, now… its not me we are here to discuss.”


Douglas: “No.  I assume you want to talk about me, Sir.”


Principal Dumples: “Yes, about your act of defiance and sheer insolence the other day.  We can’t have lesser qualified employees telling administrators how to do their job.”

Douglas: “If you say so, Sir.”

Principal Dumples: “You agree that it is no place for a janitor to tell you have to teach the students, or for a cafeteria lady to tell you how to make your lesson plans.”

Douglas: “But, that’s different.  You and I are equals, both educated men.”

Principal Dumples: “Poor man, you just don’t get it do you?  Do you mind if I tell you a personal story? Don’t worry about being late to your class, I took the liberty of pulling the library aide out of her post to cover your class is we went over time.”

Douglas: “I guess.”

Principal Dumples: “Do you see that picture of that man on my desk?”

Douglas: “Yes.”

Principal Dumples: “Do you know who that is?”


Douglas: “No, Sir, I have no clue.”


Principal Dumples: “That’s Mr. Millhouse Rotterdam, my 8th Grade American History Teacher.  A man that changed my life, it was because of him that I went into education.”


Douglas: “Really, was he a master teacher?”


Principal Dumples: “No, quite the opposite.  He was the worse teacher a person could ever have?”

Douglas: “So…he inspired you to become the best educator you could be?”

Principal Dumples: “Again no. (chuckle)  He showed me that a man could come into teaching and, while under the pretense of teaching, assign the class unlimited worksheets while he simply read the newspaper all day and collect a paycheck.”

Douglas: (stunned) “What!?”

Principal Dumples: “Yes, Mr. McKillyou, he taught me the best lesson of all, how to use the system.”

Douglas: “I don’t know what to say, I’ve never been so disgusted in all my life.”

Principal Dumples: “I see some other administrator during your early years filled your head with the idea that you could make a difference.  This person told you should work your life out for these children.  I don’t know if you realize it, but this nation is slowly being run by elites.  Its always been a case of who you know, rather than what you know.  Just look at the Gifted and Talented classes.  Who makes up the majority of them?  Is it true achievers, or children of big wigs from the community?”


Douglas: “How dare you call me in here and tell me these things and expect me to teach class today!”


Principal Dumples: “You still haven’t learned, play the system.  You were in the military weren’t you?”

Douglas: “Yes, the Air Force during the Gulf War!  Why?”


Principal Dumples: “I was in the Army in the mid 1980’s. I rose to the rank of sergeant and do you know how? ”


Douglas: “No, but I’m afraid you are going to tell me.”


Principal Dumples: “It’s knowing how to play the system.  As a private I figured out who needed to be ‘buttered up’ and who I could use the system against.  If a sergeant got in my way or made me do something I wasn’t about to do, there was always a liberal officer in the officer of the Inspector General’s office who I could file a grievance with. Before long, I was the sergeant!  If the Captain needed something done, I had my ways of making others make the company work.  The credit was all mine.  If the Captain said jump, I should him who high my platoon could!”


Douglas: “Oh you have it all figured out do you?  Those that play the system have it the best do they?”


Principal Dumples: “Yes, that’s how I made sergeant. A higher standard than the rest of the poor schmucks! (chuckle)  What was your rank in the Air Force?”


Douglas: “Oh, it was Captain.”


Principal Dumples: (furious)“Get Out! (YELLING)  Get the hell out of my office!  I’m submitting your name to the Superintendent’s Office for termination on the grounds of insubordination and unprofessionalism!  Get out of HERE, NOW!”


(serious ominous music to transitional theme)


NARRTOR: “Ouch, that’s gotta ruin a man’s day, but our hero will sally forth.  Meanwhile, Reggie Parkinson was just getting to his office…”


(Telephones ringing)

Reggie Parkinson: “Good morning, Mrs. Wunderkind, how are you this morning?”

Mrs. Wunderkind: "Better tan you, Sir.  You have had 364 calls this morning, including this one on hold…It’s Mayor Freely, Sir.”

Reggie Parkinson: “Damn! I’d better take it.  Pipe it through to my office!”

Mrs. Wunderkind: "O.K., I hope you’ve got religion, he seems mad!”

Reggie Parkinson: “Mrs. Wunderkind, I have the best kind of religion.  The one you use when you really need it!”


(phone rings, swiftly answered)

Reggie Parkinson: “Hello, Councilman Parkinson speaking.”


Mayor Floyd Freely: (on telephone): “See here, Parkinson, you’re shaking up the whole town with your bisexuality!  What are you some kind of pervert?”


Reggie Parkinson: “Mr. Mayor, I expected to here from you yesterday!  I’ve been meaning to talk to you about that.  You see…” (interrupted)


Mayor Floyd Freely: (on telephone): “Quit flapping you gums and listen up!  I just found out about this today.  I’m the mayor of a city of over 200,000 residents, you can’t expect me to be informed!”


Reggie Parkinson: “Well, Sir.  You are a busy man, and…” (interrupted)


Mayor Floyd Freely: (on telephone): “Hold it right there, Mr. Parkinson, don’t try to use your charms on me.  I’m so straight I can’t even bend over to pick up a dime.  Just keep your perversions to yourself.”

Reggie Parkinson: “Mayor Freely, please.  I didn’t mean anything by it.  I am not…” (interrupted)


Mayor Floyd Freely: (on telephone): “Councilwoman Kupbrick is pounding the street raising a ruckus!  She says the people wouldn’t have elected you if they had known of your…er…queeriosity! They want to recall you!  We can’t afford these problems in the wake of the Landru’s Restaurant deal.  Do you understand? ”

Reggie Parkinson: “Yes, Sir.  But I’m not a bi…” (interrupted)

Mayor Floyd Freely: (on telephone): “At this point I don’t want to hear your voice!  Good day!” (Dial tone)

Reggie Parkinson: “Hello?  Mr. Mayor?  Damn!  Mrs. Wunderkind…”

Mrs. Wunderkind: (from other room) “Yes, Councilman?”

Reggie Parkinson: “Get me a bicarbonate of soda and see if you can get Councilwoman Kuprick’s office.”

Mrs. Wunderkind: (from other room) “Yes, Sir. Anything else, Sir?”

Reggie Parkinson: “See if you can raise Honey McKillyou at the Corpus Christi Building and Loan.  Ask her to tell he husband to take a personal day I need his support.”

Mrs. Wunderkind: (from other room) “Sir, hasn’t your…er… ‘lifestyle’ gotten you in enough trouble without this?  Try to fight it, lust is the devils way of saying I want you!”

Reggie Parkinson: “Not you too, Mrs. Wunderkind?  I’m not a bisexual! I love women and only play golf with men.”

Mrs. Wunderkind: (entering from other room) “Really?”

Reggie Parkinson: “Yes, really!  What do I have to do to prove it to you people?”
Mrs. Wunderkind: “Well?” (sound of zipper)

Reggie Parkinson: “(incredulous) Mrs. Wunderkind, well I never?”

Mrs. Wunderkind: “I you never will with that attitude, Councilman Parkinson!” (kissing)

Reggie Parkinson: “…but what would your husband say?”

Mrs. Wunderkind: “Nothing!  The only thing going up below his waist is his pant size! Anyway, I don’t love you.  Consider this to be like the …J.C. Penny’s One Day Sale!”

Reggie Parkinson: “Well, I’ve never been one to say no to a hand out!”

(cheerful MUSIC…er…SWELLS)



NARRATOR: "Oh, my!  It seems Reggie Parkinson had a swell time at work today. (chuckle) Well, next we zoom to another workplace and the end of another person’s workday.  Namely the ever so shapely, Honey McKillyou.

(the sounds of a bank, crowds)

Honey: “You know, Yvonne, it seems like these people waited until 5:15 to come in to make their deposits and withdrawals.”

Yvonne: “Looks that way!”


Honey: “All these people, going from one life to the next like going from one teller to the next.”

Yvonne: (annoyed)“You think too much!”

Honey: “Well, sorry?  Who pissed in your Cheerios?” (shuffling of money as if counting) “Next customer please?”

Randolph: “Hello, Mrs. McKillyou?”


Honey: “Hello, Mr. Randolph.  Yvonne, this is Mr. Edgar Randolph he works at the school where my husband does?”

Yvonne: (annoyed)“You know, you talk too much too!”

Honey: “Wha…Yvonne, Your husband called?”


Yvonne: (excited)“Really, what did he say?”

Honey: “Ooops, sorry, my mistake.  It was my husband.  Yours is still with that female taxi driver with the big lips. Hey, I wonder what she’s using them for right now?”

Yvonne: (sobbing)“Wah!…(sobbing and running away).. and you’re a real bitch too!” (running away)


Randolph: “Poor, mixed up kid.”

Honey: “Don’t worry about her. She’ll just go to the boss, cry on his shoulder then on his thigh… and then…well, you get the picture.”

Randolph: “Such evil in the world.”

Honey: “Well, what do you need from the Bank today, Mr. Randolph?”

Randolph: “Well, just to deposit these checks into my account and to tell you about what your husband is up to.”

Honey: (sarcastically) “Really, what’s he up to?”

Randolph: “Well, he is going to become… (whispered)…Catholic .”

Honey: “Oh, really.  Did he tell you this?”

Randolph: “Yes, I knew I could count on his wife to return him to the straight and narrow path.”

Honey: “What makes you think that?”

Randolph: “Everyone knows that from the moment a woman marries a man she begins to whittle away at his spirit.  You start to make unwarranted demands on him, take him from things you likes to do, nag him until he no long has the will to have a ‘free will’ and, most of all, deny him of the thing he thinks most about.”

Honey: “You mean sex?”

Randolph: “No…Food.” (laughs)

Honey: “I’ll have a talk with him about it.”

Randolph: “I knew I could count on you, Mrs. McKillyou. Have a good day?”

Honey: “You too, Mr. Randolph…(under here breath too herself) you God Damned freak.”

Yvonne: (In background) “Thank you, Mister, I knew I could depend on you to help through those sad moments after my husband left me!”

Honey: “Well, I’m glad your feeling better.”


Yvonne: “Don’t even try to be nice to me.  Your still a Bitch!”


Honey: “Oh, look Yvonne, your hair is still out of place from your…counseling session!”


Yvonne: “Who cares?  He felt so sorry for me that he appointed me to head teller!  Tomorrow, you’ll be working for me!  We’ll see who’s down on their knees then!”


Honey: “You know; I’m really starting to hate this job!”

NARRATOR: "Thank you and good night folks. Be sure to tune in next week to, "One Night in Corpus." Remember for fine Mexican dinning to eat at Casa de Cucarachas; we have roaches, why lie?”

(Music ends)