“Home Invasion”

Production Notes:

“Home Invasion” explores the criminal element that most people encounter in the most unfortunate circumstances. The scene opens with two burglars, “Rocco and Lefty,” who are in the process of a string of robberies. This was posted on the on December 11, 2003 at the Eric Von Wade Website. The economic condition of teachers is commented on from the on set. While “Rocco” Traviato becomes a more recurring character, “Lefty” Masters is sacrificed for the benefit of the plot.

Additionally, we are introduced to the neighborhood policemen, Officer King and Officer Dales. Like most characters in “One Night in Corpus Christi” they are presented as part of some plot devise and will eventually grow into more complex characters. Officer Kings is extremely old and almost senile, but liberal courts and law suit abuse has kept him in the position on the force. Officer Dales, probably set with Kings to lessen the potential damage to the force, is a man in his late 30’s who is quite effective as a crime fighter.

The issue of gun control is revisited as Douglas tries to defend his wife and home with a shotgun. The liberal point is refuted when Honey temporarily changes her position on firearms.

In the last act we discover that Trixie Walker and Reggie Parkinson are fans of trumpeter, singer and painter Herb Alpert. Parkinson is still quite concerned that the newspaper has painted him as a bisexual and ironically asks Douglas to help him out of that mess. The episode ends with Reggie and Douglas eating breakfast, which includes Viagra spiked Lucky Charms.

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KEYS RADIO SCRIPT # 2311
Dec. 11, 2003

One Night in Corpus Christi
“Home Invasion”
Written by Capt J.E. Carrales, III

ACT I
(Opening Organ Music Theme Song)

Narrator: "RADIO STATION KEYS proudly presents the ERIC VON WADE RADIO DRAMA HOUR... (music swells) brought to you by the Corpus Christi Persons Against People Council.

(Organ music swells and dies, ominous music or music associated with burglars)

NARRATOR: “Ah yes, the first real cool spell of the year…the so-called ‘first freeze.’ Denizens of South Texas break out their heavy coats and winter gear, while visiting ‘snow birds’ from the North break out their Bermuda shorts. As we saw last time, our hero’s wife, Honey, had secretly replaced his Lucky Charms cereal with Viagra. Today our story actually opens at night in a middle class Corpus Christi neighborhood where two of the city’s ‘outstanding citizens’ prepare to begin their ‘business day’, or …eh…night….or whatever……”

Rocco: (sounds a bag of tools) “Come on Lefty, we have three houses to knock off tonight. You need to speed up, what’s wrong with you today?”

Lefty: (older man’s voice)“I Don’t know, Rocco? I just feel a bit…lethargic.”

Rocco: “Lethargic? Where did you learn a word like that?”

Lefty:“ Remember when we knocked off the University last week?”

Rocco: “You must have that…what do they call it…adult ADD! You haven’t been concentrating on your work lately. So distracted. Its like your attention span is ten seconds?”

Lefty:“ Huh…sorry…what were you saying?” (laughs)

Rocco: “Why do I even bother with you? (sound of tools) Lets just get this window open” (sounds of straining window opens)

Lefty:“ Good job, Rocco. This guy probably has a lot of expensive crap.” (sound of them entering the room via the window)

Rocco: (sound of filling bags, fumbling noises) “Hey look at this stuff, (sound of silverware) you said it, this is crap. Dollar store silverware!”

Lefty: (excited) “ Wow! Look at this!”

Rocco: What did you find there?”

Lefty: (still excited) “ Elvis collectors toothpicks! And, oh, my God! ‘McMillan and Wife’ DVDS! We hit the Jackpot!”

Rocco: “Lefty, Your not well! This place is full of junk!? Who lives here, a pauper?”

Lefty: “Hey Rocco, look at this? It says ‘To Douglas R. McKillyou, High School Teacher of the Year 2002!”

Rocco: “Well, that explains everything.”

(strange springy sounds and moans)

Lefty: (startled) “What the hell is that?”

Rocco: “What?”

Lefty: “That noise?” (sound gets louder, sounds like bed springs and moaning)

Rocco: “SHHHHHhhhhh! Shut up!”

(sound gets even louder)

Lefty: “It sounds like someone put two cats in a washing machine, or something.”

Rocco: “Would you shut your hole! Lets finish this place off and get the hell out of here!”

(the sound subsides, but is still barely audible)

Lefty: “Hey, Rocco? Do you ever think about going straight?”

Rocco: “Yeah, (pause)…straight to the next job!” (the two burglars chuckle and continue their charge)

(sound of bagging things, foot steps and then a door opening. The Sound gets really loud!)

Douglas: (panting)“Oh! Honey!” (bed springs)

Honey: (really panting)“Oh, Doug!” (bed springs)

Lefty: “Oh, God!!!” (surprised and startled)

(sounds of a startled lovemaking couple)

Douglas: “What the, who the hell are you!” (bed springs)

Honey: (LOUD SCREAM!)

Douglas: “Damn! My gun?”

Lefty: “Ahhh…my heart?”

Honey: “My, orgasm?!” (sound of body hitting the floor)

Rocco: “Shit! Lefty, get up…we’re outta here!”

(sound of cocking a shot gun)

Douglas: “Reach for heaven or I’ll send you to hell!”

Honey: "Douglas! (yelling)…you know my stance on guns”

Douglas: “Yes!”

Honey: "Blow the bastard away!”

Rocco: “Damn lady? Have a heart!”

Douglas: “They say, there’s no vengeance like a woman scorned…see what they do when you ruin their SATISFACTION?”

Honey: (angry and shouting) "Rip, his heart out, Doug!”

(fast foot steps followed by a loud gun shot)

ACT II

NARRATOR: “Oh, what a night this frigid evening has turned out to be? Our hero cut short in the prime of his…er…uh…activities. (sigh) A quick a call to the police department soon produces a scurry of officers and cars.” (sound of sirens)

Officer Kings (older voice) “So, you say that you chased him out with your shot gun?”

Douglas: “Yes, he was in our bedroom doorway and I was forced to chase him.”

Officer Kings: “Yes, very well… and you say you discharged the weapon when… (hanging for Doug to complete the sentence)

Douglas: “Yes, it discharged when I tripped. That is why there is a gaping hole in the ceiling.”

Officer Kings: “…and you tripped over… (hanging again for Doug to complete the sentence)

Douglas: “This…this…body!”

Officer Dales: “Yep, Kings, this guy is meat. Heart attack I would figure, I’ll call the meat wagon.”

Officer Kings: “Well, Mr. McKillyou, murder is a very serious crime. Were going to have to take you in.”

Douglas: “What? (startled) Murder? Me! What are you talking about, this officer just said that he died of a heart attack!”

Officer Kings: “Well, Mr. McKillyou, we won’t know for sure until the coroner looks it over and determines the true cause of death. We can’t risk a fiend like you skipping town! Besides, don’t listen to Officer Dales, he’s a rookie.”

Douglas: “But, there isn’t a single bullet hole in this body. How is this a murder.”

Officer Kings: “We make our investigations extremely detailed, Sonny. I’ve been on the force since 1947; I know my business. They tried to retire me back when I turned 93, but I’ve still got it. Sued the hell out of the department for age discrimination.”

Douglas: (alright) “Alright I’ll go downtown if it will straighten out this mess. Just let me get dressed.”

Officer Kings: “For what, Sir?”

Douglas: “You just said you were going to take me in. I was just going to get dressed.”

Officer Kings: “Good, You do that, its cold out there and you might get sick. We need our entire citizenry to help contain the influenza. When President Hoover makes an order, we public servants jump into action.”

Douglas: (confused) “Uh...? Yeah?”

Officer Kings: “So, what did you need us for this evening, Sir.”

Officer Dales: “Now, now, Kings. Don’t worry, Mr. Mckillyou, I have this wrapped up here. Don’t worry about Officer Kings here; he’s pretty harmless. We’ll keep in touch with you. This guy on the floor here is, or shall I say was, Rupert “Lefty” Masters. He normally works with a fellow burglar named Richard “Rocco” Traviato.”

Douglas: “Is this, ‘Rocco,’ dangerous?”

Officer Dales: “We’ve run the duo in a few times, like seven, but lack of evidence prevented the conviction. We just had to release them.”

Douglas: “Lack of evidence??”

Officer Dales: “Don’t worry, Sir, this time Rocco left a big piece of evidence, “Lefty’s” corpse. You and you wife have a good night, but be advised that we may summon you as a witness.”

Douglas: “Alright, I have to admit I don’t know what’s going on with you cops. You take care out there.”

Officer Dales: “Thank you, Sir. We policemen do the best we can, but you know what they say about a ‘few bad apples.’”

Douglas: “Yes, I know exactly! Try teaching, sometime.”

Officer Kings: (in background) “We mustn’t appease Hitler! This is not the beginning of the end it is the start of a new frontier!”

Officer Dales: “Well, its back to the orchard.”

(Police car drives off, sound of Doug walking back to the house and closing the door)

Honey: “Hey dear. I made you a snack (sound of cereal pouring) to ease your nerves.”

Douglas: “At this hour? Well, I don’t know about that. I just want to call this a night and get some sleep.”

Honey: “Me too, Dear, I just want to get some…well, oops…(sound of milk)…look dear, now you have to eat it, I already poured the milk.”

Douglas: “Well, O.K. I still think that you’re up to something?”

Honey: “In more ways than one, Dear heart. Now eat your damn cereal!”

Douglas: "Don’t be so pushy. (Crunch) (sound effect poing) Holy cow!”

NARRATOR: “And so the night goes on until the radio and other alarms break the peace and slumber. The morning routine ensues and Honey, for the first time in a recorded episode actually cooks a breakfast of eggs and bacon. Our hero is full of life and energy, despite the unfortunate events of the last evening. Let’s look in on them… ” (sound of coffee brewing)

Douglas: (jovial) Good, morning Honey.”

Honey: “Oh, my sweet sweet man, how are you (kiss) doing this glorious morning?”

Douglas: “Oh, I’m on top of the world, my queen. Each day with you is like a new day, a better day… and your kisses falleth like the genital…er…gentle rain from heaven.”

(pause/ silence save for the coffee maker)

Honey: (quick and abrupt) “Sorry, that one was just too much.”

Douglas: (equally quick and abrupt) “Yeah, you’re right, all this sweet talk is making me sick.”

Honey: “Oh, by the way, Mother called while you were in the shower.”

Douglas: “Really, how’s he doing today?”

Honey: “I told her you were doing fine, for a eunuch.”

Douglas: "That’s not what you said last night?”

Honey: “Oh, yeah. The great thing about a 21^st century woman is that you never know when one is lying or acting!”

Douglas: "Oh, great!”

(Knock)

Reggie Parkinson: “Hey, gang, do I smell bacon.” (applause)

Honey: “No, the police left a few hours ago?”

Douglas: “Honey, shut up!”

Reggie Parkinson: “Whoa, I can’t imagine why you two are always so short with each other. You should be more open with each other.”

Honey: “Talk to your friend here, I’m always open…he’s the one that’s too short!”

Douglas: "Ha! Ha! You’re always masturbating without me, why don’t you try beating yourself without me!””

(Loud Slap)

Douglas: “Hey, what was that for?”

Honey: “Not leaving me for your secretary!”

Reggie Parkinson: “Seriously, people, I am in big trouble. Because of this newspaper article claiming I’m a bisexual the phone is ringing off the hook, you know very well city councilmen hate it when the phone rings…especially if it’s someone from the public. (laughs) (imploring) I need your help!”

Douglas: "Uh…er…well, I don’t see how we can help you. I mean…its not like… we have anything to do with it or anything.”

Reggie Parkinson: “Listen Doug, you’re my best friend. You and Honey would never do anything to harm me.”

Honey: (spits out coffee) “excuse me!”

Douglas: "Uh…yeah.”

Reggie Parkinson: “Honey, are you alright?”

Douglas: "Yeah, she’s be alright…uh… the coffee must have been to hot.”

Reggie Parkinson: “..but…she served it from the same pot she served mine.”

Douglas: "It must have been a roach…yeah…a bug in he cup.”

Reggie Parkinson: “Why were the police here last night? Did you finally give honey that SAMCK you’re always talking about but never give her?

Douglas: “What?! No, we had a burglar last night.”

Reggie Parkinson: “Oh, you shot another cat did you?

Douglas: “No a real burglar. Two actually, but one had a heart attack.”

Reggie Parkinson: “Oh, when you caught them?

Douglas: “No, when the caught us.”

Reggie Parkinson: “What?”

Douglas: “Never mind, Parkinson. There’s no cure for what you got.”

(Knock)

Trixie Walker: “Hello, anyone here?” (applause)

Douglas: “Sure Trixie, come one in”

Trixie Walker: “ Hello, Doug. Hello, Mr. Parkinson. Where’s Honey?”

Reggie Parkinson: “She spilt coffee on herself, so she went to change.”

Douglas: “Good, my father said she never would.”

Trixie Walker: “ Honey and I are going to shop over at Wal*mart before she goes into work. I’m hoping the new Herb Alpert C-D will be in.”

Reggie Parkinson: “You, like Herb Alpert? How about his TJB stuff?”

Trixie Walker: “ I like that most of all, especially the ‘Spanish Fly.’”

Douglas: “It’s the ‘Spanish Flea’. Not the ‘Spanish Fly.’ The Spanish Fly doesn’t exist.”

Trixie Walker: “ I wouldn’t be too sure about that, Bucko!”

Douglas: “What do you mean by that?”

Trixie Walker: “ Oh, nothing!”

Reggie Parkinson: (Sound of cereal hitting the bowl) “You know, Herb Alpert had a lot of hits when I was a boy…(sound of milk)…but my favorite hit song he had was ‘Rise’. (loud crunch) It was some time in the 1970’s, I think.”

Trixie Walker: “ Uh…Mr. Parkinson, are you supposed to be eating that?”

Reggie Parkinson: “Well, the marshmallows are a little stale, but its still good.”

Douglas: “Yeah, and I had two bows last night.”

Trixie Walker: “O.k. just remember, I’m not responsible!”

(Loud Crunch)

Honey: (sounds of entering the room) “Hey, Trixie!”

Trixie Walker: “Hey, I hear you ate some ‘Lucky Charms’ last night.”

Honey: “yes? I don’t follow?”

Trixie Walker: “Just, like, Mr. Parkinson here!”

Honey: (realization) “Oh, Shit!”

Douglas: (surprised)“Good God, girl, what was that language for?”

Honey: “Uh…nothing! Enjoy your cereal, Reggie. Come on, Trixie, let’s get out of here!” (sounds of scuffling out the door)

Douglas: “That woman gets more and more strange the longer we stay married.”

Reggie Parkinson: “This is sure some good cereal. I feel several years younger.”

Douglas: “Yeah, it must be the sugar in it!” (Loud POING!)

(music swells)

NARRATOR: "Thank you and good night folks. Be sure to tune in next week to, "One Night in Corpus." Remember to eat Frosted Fakes, just look for the box with the friendly Dumb Blonde with dark roots on the box. Have a good one, what ever that means.

(Music ends)