“Faculty Meeting?”

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Production Notes:

“Faculty Meeting?” continues the direct satire present in the series and also furthers the plot and character development. The scene opens with Honey and here friend Trxie Walker, a character mentioned in the previous episode. This was posted on the on December 9, 2003 at the Eric Von Wade Website. Their “kitchen conversations” revolve around what they should do about the problems they made for Douglas and Reggie Parkinson. Several minor characters are mentioned including a big gossip named Heather Wilcox, a fictitious wife of a fictitious news reporter named James Harmon Wilcox who penned and printed the article naming Reggie a bisexual.

The girls drop the subject in favor of on of Honey and Douglas’ sex life. Much is revealed in this episode. We discover that honey as a job at a local bank and that Trixie is a nurse for a fertility doctor named Dr. Peckinpaugh. Dr. Peckinpaugh, is not a sex doctor, it’s merely “his hobby.” They conspire to place Viagra in Douglas’ Lucky Charms cereal. Reggie Parkinson only has one line in this episode which is mostly for comedic effect at the end of the first act.

The crux of the episode lampoons the public school system. We are introduced to Max and Macy, students in the history class Douglas teaches. Principal Dumples reveals that a new standardized test is in the works and that teachers will be required to conduct Saturday tutorials for no pay. After resisting these measure, Douglas is chastised for his resistance.

The third act features a spoof of the Eric Von Wade Show called the Derrick Von Ray Show who interviews a pilot who has been patrolling Socialist France and a NRP interview with Michael Less, the director of Porn on the Fourth of July. Douglas and Honey enjoy the results of the Lucky Charms incident.

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KEYS RADIO SCRIPT # 2310
Dec. 9, 2003

One Night in Corpus Christi
“Faculty Meeting?”
Written by Capt J.E. Carrales, III

ACT I
(Opening Organ Music Theme Song)

Narrator: "RADIO STATION KEYS proudly presents the ERIC VON WADE RADIO DRAMA HOUR... (music swells) brought to you by the Corpus Christi Society for the Preservation of Cruelty toward the Stupid.

(Organ music swells and dies, catchy uplifting music)

NARRATOR: “Each day, our hero joins the countless people who make their way to work. Douglas, of course, is a teacher in a local high school. Unfortunately, Doug has been pretty distracted lately. It seems that his wife, the ever loving Honey, ‘spilled the beans’ about their next door neighbor Councilman Reggie Parkinson being bisexual. It, of course, isn’t true, but when has that ever stopped the media from blowing it out of proportion. We find Honey at home entertaining her best friend, Trixie Walker. Let’s listen in shall we…

Honey: (sounds of coffee peculating) Ever since I got this job at the bank, I’ve been dog-tired.”

Trixie: (again to himself)“Don’t you go into work at 9:00, why go you get up so early?”

Honey: “Doug gets up early and makes so much noise I can’t get back to sleep.”

Trixie: “Ho hum! (sadly) You know, My life is so lonely. You’ve got a good thing going with you’re your husband. I wish I had it as good as you.”

Honey: “Well, we have out fights too.”

Trixie: “No…No Really! You don’t know what its like to come home to an empty apartment with no one to keep you company and worship your every move.”

Honey: “Yeah, that sounds really good. I wonder what its like…”

(The two Laugh)

Trixie: “Oh, did you read the paper this morning? It looks as if you were right, one of the City Councilmen is bisexual.”

Honey: “I was meaning to ask you about that. Did you tell anyone about that?”

Trixie: “Only Doris...and Helen…oh yeah, I think I also told…Heather Wilcox”

Honey: “Heather Wilcox?! The mouth of the south! Oh, Trixie… we did it this time.”

Trixie: “What do you mean!”

Honey: “This morning Doug found out it wasn’t true.”

Trixie: “But it was in the paper. It has to be true!”

Honey: “Look at the ‘by line’ under the article.”

Trixie: (reading)“Local City Councilman Bisexual by James Harmon Wilcox!”

Honey: "Doug looked like he wanted to kill himself this morning when he left for work. It was really bothering him.”

Trixie: “Honey, we should try to fix this?”

Honey: "I don’t think anyone can. I hate to admit this, but Douglas might be right about us women being big gossips.”

Trixie: “Hey, don’t knock us so hard. After all, it was a man who printed it in the newspaper article.”

Honey: “Well, lets not think of such things this morning. How are things at the “Sex Doctor.”

Trixie: “Honey, Dr. Peckinpaugh is a fertility doctor. Sex is just his hobby!” (laughs)

Honey: “Sex, its been so long that I can even remember how to fake it.”

Trixie: “Well, as a Fertility Nurse let me ply my trade. What’s Douglas’ daily schedule like?”

Honey: “He gets up at 7:00 and usually eats breakfast with me, whenever Parkinson doesn’t barge in. He drives to work and gets there at about 8:15. He teaches classes from 8:30 to lunch, then from 12:15 to 4:00. He drives home, we have dinner while we hear the radio, watch the television and then he has a bowl of Lucky Charms.”

Trixie: “Ah, ha! (sound of rustling through her purse) Where is it? Ah! (sound of a pill bottle)… here, you go. His should solve everything.”


Honey: "What is it? How many do I take?”

Trixie: “Not you, Honey, their for Douglas. Just replace the ‘blue diamonds’ in his cereal with these little ‘blue diamonds.’”

Honey: "Trixie, is that…Viagra?”

Trixie: “Yup, one bowl of ‘Getting Lucky Charms,’ and you’ll be ‘Getting some, charms’ of your own ”

Honey: "Girlfriend, I don’t know about this. I normally don’t like to trick Doug.”

Trixie: “Don’t feel bad, your ‘abnormally’ tricking him. Don’t worry, it’ll be good for him too.”

Honey: "Well, I guess its better than other artificial stimulation. You won’t believe the lengths I’ve gone to. I’m sure this will get that Parkinson/bisexual issue off his mind.”

Trixie: “Don’t worry, I’m sure its no big deal. I bet Mr. Parkinson isn’t even aware of any of this.”

NARRATOR: “But, little does Trixie know…”

Reggie Parkinson: (YELLING) “MRS. WUNDERKIND! HEADS WILL ROLE FOR THIS!”

(serious music to transitional theme)

ACT II

NARRTOR: “Yes Reggie Parkinson was shaking with anger, but what of our hero? Douglas is in his American History class fighting to get the attention of his mostly apathetic students.” (Students talking)

Douglas: (loudly) “Alright, Let me have your attention.”

(Students continue to talk)

Douglas: “Listen up kids… (Loudly almost threatening) hey!”

(Students begin to quiet down until they finally stop!”

Douglas: “O.K. Thank you. You shouldn’t be talking when the teacher is talking. Alright, as I was saying. The Articles of Confederation were so weak that they had to be…(Interrupted)”

School wide Intercom: “Students and Teachers, please pardon this interruption…” (Students begin to talk again this time louder.”

Douglas: “Quiet, I can’t hear the announcement.”

School wide Intercom: “…there will be a short faculty meeting after school today. Principal Dumples will be conducting it himself and requests that all teachers bring their Doctoral Diplomas and that if you have one more reason to listen to him! That is all.”

(Students continue to talk)

Douglas: (too himself out loud) “Faculty meeting, I was hoping to do fix that mess with Parkinson.”

Student Max: “What was that, Sir?”

Douglas: “Sorry, I had other plans after school but now I have to cancel them due to this faculty meeting.”

Student Macy: “What are you griping about, Sir? Isn’t that more money for you and for your family?”

Douglas: “Ha! That’s a joke. We don’t get overtime, its against the law! We put in hours and hours of work for free. Remember to tell you about it when we study the 13th and 14th Amendment to the Constitution.”

Student Max: “Ha! You must be stupid, I’d never work for free like that?”

Douglas: “Yeah, I’m sure you’ll go into the family business.”

Student Max: “What business? My parents are on welfare like their parents and there parents before them.”

Douglas: "I rest my case."

NARRATOR: “And so the day goes on until the last bell and our hero joins the impoverished multitudes that have migrated into the teacher’s lounge. (sounds of teachers) Principal Herman Dumples enters the room and simply stand waiting for the teachers to be quiet.”

Principal Dumples: (teachers quiet down) Good, you got the message. I was watching the Times Past Channel last night and they said that was how Adolph Hitler got the attention of the crowd. Looks like it still works.”

Douglas: (whispered) to another teacher) “I knew the teacher handbook read a little like Mein Kampf.”

Principal Dumples: “What was that, Mr. McKillyou?”

Douglas: “Nothing, Sir. I was just agreeing with you.”

Principal Dumples: “Good, we have had problems before and I am glad that you see things my way now. Keep following my example and you might become a principal someday.”

Douglas: “Thank you, Sir. I’m glad to be the son you never wanted.”

Principal Dumples: “Yes, Yes! Good man! Well lets get started. As you know our State Legislature recently eliminated our old standardized test, The Comprehensive Reading Aptitude Program in favor of a new assessment. (pause while teachers react with shock) Its part of our State Legislature’s Statewide Helping Assessment Measure. It seems that the old test was too hard and too many government officials children were failing it. Any questions? Yes, Mr. McKillyou…”

Douglas: "So what you are saying is that they threw out all out old C.R.A.P. in favor of a new S.H.A.M.?”

Principal Dumples: “Basically…uh…yes.”

Douglas: "Oh, great!”

Principal Dumples: “Additionally, all teachers will come on Saturday from 9 to 3 in the afternoon for tutoring. We will be taking attendance, all teachers that are late or do not show will be written up in their permanent file.”

Douglas: “How much are you paying us?”

Principal Dumples: “Nothing, according to your contract you must do as I say or…Termination Time!.”

Douglas: "What about the students? What if they don’t show? How will they be held accountable?”

Principal Dumples: “Nothing! Mr. McKillyou, you know very well we can’t ‘force’ students to come to school on Saturday.”

Douglas: "Oh, joy.”

Principal Dumples: “(loud and incredulous) Mr. McKillyou, don’t complain. You are a teacher, it’s a vocation!”

Douglas: "Principal Dumples, I love teaching, I want to help the students of this city to be productive adults. However, if I wanted a vocation I’d have become a priest. I have a family to support.”

Principal Dumples: “(loud and incredulous) Mr. McKillyou, there goes your ‘middle class value system again. You cannot force your middle class values on these students.”

Douglas: "Oh, really?! What do you want me to do? Enforce ‘low class’ values on these students." (gasps)

Principal Dumples: “(clamer) Mr. McKillyou, I’ll see you in my office first thing in the morning! This meeting is over!.”

(ominous MUSIC SWELLS)

ACT III

NARRATOR: "Once again, our hero manages to step in it with both feet. As the problems build one at a time closer and closer to critical mass, Douglas settles into his car and turns the key…" (car ignition)

(the sounds of driving)

Douglas: “Well, lets we what their talking about on the Radio, can’t be worse than real life!” (Turning on Radio)

NRP Radio Host (on Radio): “Good afternoon, you’re listening to No Things Considered here on NRP. I’m your host, Frank Satchel. Our roving Hollywood reported John Guillermos interviewed Michael Less, award winning director of Porn on the Fourth of July.” John…”

John Guillermos (on Radio): “So, Mr. Less, what are you most proud of in your latest film, Porn on the Fourth of July?”

Michael Less (on Radio): “Well John, I wanted to show the children of America the importance of proper lighting in a Lesbian sex scene. The children of today deserve proper cinematography.”

John Guillermos (on Radio): “Several Conservative critics have made the allegation that you are trying to undermine the morals of this nation. How wrong are they?

Michael Less (on Radio): “John, they are very wrong. Lesbian Sex Scenes are protected under the Bill of Rights.”

John Guillermos (on Radio): “Really, of which Amendments are you speaking?

Michael Less (on Radio): “Why all of them of course. Especially the 69th Amendment…” (sound of scanning the dial)

Douglas: (out loud to himself) “What an idiot!” (More sounds of tuning the dials)
(sound of music starting and clapping)

Derrick Von Ray (on Radio): “It's 7 minutes after 5 o'clock on News Talk 1330 LOKS. I talk, therefore, I think. I am Derrick Von Ray. Great to have you back with me for hour three. It's Monday, December the 1st, 2003. And as I told you, we've got a very special guest for you, somebody I can't wait to talk to, straight from patrolling the no-fly zones in Socialist France. We're proud to have Major Disaster. And Major, did I pronounce your last name correctly??

Major Disaster (on Radio): What? Why yes?

Derrick Von Ray (on Radio): “All right, Major. Great to have you, and thanks for taking some time to talk with us.”

Major Disaster (on Radio): “What? Why yes?”

Derrick Von Ray (on Radio): “And tell me, how long have you been flying in the -- patrolling the no-fly zones in Socialist France?”

Major Disaster (on Radio): I've got about nine or ten hours. Those Frenchies, real socialists, they even outlawed red, white and blue. Their new flag is a clear piece of cellophane. (sound of car pulling up to the house, radio cuts out as Douglas opens the door.)

Douglas: (sound of front door opening) “Honey, I’m home.” (applause)

NARRATOR: “And so the afternoon slowly turns to evening and evening into night. Douglas and Honey settle in, have dinner, watch the television and, ultimately Douglas has a bowl of Lucky Charms.”

Douglas: (Sound of cereal hitting the bowl) “You know it’s the simple things like this in life that make it worth living, Honey.”

Honey: “You bet, Dear. Hurry up an eat!”

Douglas: “What’s with you? You sound edgy. Don’t worry about all these problems, they’ll go away. ”

Honey: “You bet, Dear. Hurry up an eat, ALREADY!”

Douglas: “Well…( sound of milk pouring and then spoon entering cereal)”

(Loud Crunch)

Douglas: “Whoa, I nearly broke a tooth? Damn these marshmallows are stale! Honey, did you leave the box of Lucky Charms open? Some of these Marshmallows are a little hard.”

Honey: “You bet, Dear. That’s the idea, Sweetie! Now, hurry up an eat, ALREADY!”

Douglas: “I can’t help by thing something’s up around here?”

Honey: “A girl can hope can’t she?”

NARRATOR: “And so, later that night, the McKillyou’s prepare to settle into bed…”

Honey: (gleefully singing) “La! La! La! Honey is sweat Hurry come to bed, My darling!”

Douglas: (from the bathroom) (surprised)“Good God!”

Honey: “What’s wrong dear…(Subdued)…she asked knowingly?”

Douglas: “Honey, I don’t think Glenn Miller is the only one In the Mood tonight.”

Honey: “Why what ever do you mean? (Surprised) Holy mother of GOD!!!”

Douglas: “I was trying to go to the bathroom just now and I felt like I was setting up a tripod!!! Come here you!”

(SONG: In the Mood by Glenn Miller MUSIC SWELLS over the sound of bedsprings) (applause)

NARRATOR: "Thank you and good night folks. Be sure to tune in next week to, "One Night in Corpus." Remember to eat Cinnamon Toast Raunch, just look for the box with the friendly PROSTITUTE on the box.

(Music ends)