“Mistaken indemnity?” marks the first time that direct satire is presented. The ubiquitous “Mr. Parkinson” acquires the name “Reggie T. Parkinson” and the title of City councilman. This reflects the strange goings on in the City Councils of Corpus Christi and Kingsville, Texas in mid to late 2003. This was posted on the on December 6, 2003 at the Eric Von Wade Website. Several new characters are added including Honey’s best friend Trixie Walker, who is mentioned but not actually in the episode. The Corpus Christi Caller Times is satirically referred to as the “Award Winning Newspaper,” as a tip of the hat to Eric Von Wade’s popularization of that phrase. Reggie Parkinson is lambasted in the newspaper for being bisexual. The Article is based on gossip that Douglas, Honey and Trixie kicked off, it turns out not to be true. Douglas confronts Trixie about violating the trust of their “kitchen conversations” and is feeling really guilty about having been the cause of his friend’s new problem.
Reggie Parkinson remains unaware of the article until he walks to work, where pedestrians heckle him and a “rather gay fellow” approaches him. We are introduced to the character of Mrs. Wunderkind, Parkinson’s secretary.
Douglas hopes to listen to the radio to ease his mind, but local talk radio host, Tim Leggo (a play on Corpus Christi’s Jim Lago) is beginning a segment on the issue of the Bisexual city councilman. NPR also gets blasted as NRP, as it runs a story on a senator that wishes to change the name of the Washington monument to reflect a “Homosexual agenda.”
In addition to these lampooned radio personalities, we are introduced to Douglas’ boss, Principal Dumples. Dumples is an inept school administrator that bases his power on his various degrees. Randolph is also revisited, this time as a religious hypocrite who begins to ostracize Doug.
KEYS RADIO SCRIPT # 2309
Dec. 5, 2003
One Night in Corpus
Written by Capt J.E. Carrales, III
(Opening Organ Music Theme Song)
Narrator: "RADIO STATION KEYS proudly presents the ERIC VON WADE RADIO DRAMA HOUR... (music swells) brought to you by the Corpus Christi Atheist Choir Boys’ latest C-D, Nothing to Sing About .
(Organ music swells and dies, catchy uplifting music)
NARRATOR: “After a weekend unlike any other yet strikingly routine for our hero, we find Douglas McKillyou looking at himself in the bathroom mirror adjusting his tie and mentally preparing for his work day…
Douglas: (humming and bathroom sounds of brushing hair and fumbling bottles) Humm…(spoken to himself) “I hope this new hair gel holds up…(to himself in the mirror) Hey, you…Stop in the name of the law ‘cuz its illegal to look that good. Ha! Ha!”
(Sounds things shuffling outside)
Douglas: (again to himself)“Looks like Parkinson is finally cleaning that storage shed of his.”
(sound of stuff crashing)
Douglas: (again to himself)“Poor Sap, he’s the only guy I know that makes a bigger mess when he tries to clean things up. (pause…sound electric razor) I guess that’s why he’s on the City Council.
NARRATOR: “Ahh, yes, dear old Reggie T. Parkinson; our hero’s somewhat quirky next door neighbor. He’s a pillar of the community albeit with a few cracks. Upon finishing his morning…toiletries (sound of commode flushing)… Douglas advances on the kitchen where his ever-faithful wife has just completed breakfast.
Douglas: “Morning, Dear.”
Honey: “Hey there my sweetie (kiss), here’s your breakfast (placing an unopened loaf of bread and a stick of butter before him)”
Douglas: “A loaf of bread and butter. Why thank you, Honey. Your Domestic skills are second only to your snoring abilities.”
(Knock on the DOOR)
Honey: “Its for you, Doug Dear. (quietly to Doug) It looks like you forgot to let your dog in.”
Reggie Parkinson: “Good morning all, I brought in your paper, ‘haven’t read mine yet.”
Douglas: “Er…uh…yeah. Hey sit down and we can have some breakfast.”
Reggie Parkinson: (excited) “What is it…eggs and bacon?”
Honey: “No, Kenmore and Rainbow!”
Douglas: "Here (sound of a toaster) I’ll cook."
Honey: "I’m going to take a shower. Trixie Walker will be coming by later, if she gets here. Try not to be yourselves, she’s the only friend I’ve got.”
Douglas: "Yeah, Yeah! I’ll just read the paper!"
Honey: "Whatever!” (leaving)
Douglas: (Sound of the Newspaper)"Lets see what our “Award Winning Paper” has to report?"
Reggie Parkinson: “You know, I’m so lonely. You’ve got a good thing going with you’re your wife. I wish I had it as good as you.”
Douglas: (more sounds of the Newspaper)"Really…(newspaper)…you can have my lactose intolerance and hemorrhoids too."
Reggie Parkinson: “No…No Really! You don’t know what its like to come home to an empty house with no one to cook for you or wash your close or say nice things to you.”
Douglas: "Are you talking about the same Honey? What makes you think I know those things? She hasn’t cooked a square meal since Bush was elected! (laughs)The first Bush!”
Reggie Parkinson: “Well, at least you get some.”
Douglas: "Careful what you wish for, Reggie.” (laughs) “Lets see…Top Stories (newspaper shuffling)… Landru’s Restaurant wants to buy the Harbor Bridge and turn it into a Ferris wheel, (sound of toast popping up) Local State Representative crashes into a Beer Truck near Ricardo, Texas… (sound of someone buttering toast)… hummm…Local City Councilman found…to…be…bisexu…”
Reggie Parkinson: “What was that…I didn’t get that last story.” (sounds of toast)
Douglas: (meekly) Uh…what are you doing?
Reggie Parkinson: "Buttering my bread. Why do you ask?"
Douglas: "Uh, nothing. Ha! What’s wrong with buttering bread on both sides?”
Reggie Parkinson: “That’s what I say! (sound of biting into toast) (Reggie talking while chewing) You asked me that yesterday; I told you I butter my bread on both sides. I still think you should hook me up with your mother-in-law.”
Douglas: (Sound of getting out of a chair and shuffling) “Well, it’s been good having you this morning, Reggie. Sorry you have to take this to go!”
Reggie Parkinson: “Hey, what gives I wanted to read the paper.”
Douglas (sounds of Douglas leading Parkinson to the Door) Er…uh..no…look at those bag under your eyes. Reading is a …its bad for your eyesight. I don’t want you to go blind! Well, see you after work, guy.”
Reggie Parkinson: “Hey…oooff” (loud door SLAM)
Douglas: (loud SHOUT) “HONEY MCKILLYOU! GET YOUR BUTT DOWN HERE NOW!”
(Music Swells and mood changes)
NARRTOR: “And so the ever lovely Honey enters the room with a robe an towel on her head. Here and our hero discuss a few niceties until Douglas changes the subject, and mood, of the conversation…”
Douglas: (SMUGLY)“Did you happen to read the paper this morning, my Dear?”
Honey: (SOMEWHAT SCARASTICALY but still nicely) “You know very well that I have not, sweetie pie.”
Douglas: “The other day, when we were discussing Mr. Parkinson?”
Honey: “You mean the Bisexual?”
Douglas: “Ha! Ha! I’m glad you remember. (getting angry) Who did you tell that little fact to?”
Honey: “No one.”
Douglas: “Are you sure?”
Honey “Well, just Trixie.”
Douglas: “Oh, Damn! (walking around the room and frantically) We’re screwed?”
Honey “What is this all about? Your going off ‘half cocked,’ about something (pause)…and believe you me, I’m an expert on “half cocks.” In fact I’m in the graduating class of our wedding night!”
Douglas: “Oh funny. (sounds of the Newspaper) We’ll look at this, Miss Inopportune Headache-20th Century”
Honey “A newspaper, so what!”
Douglas: “Try reading it?”
Honey “O.K. (sigh)! Top Stories 1) Landru’s Restaurant wants to… blah…blah…2) Local State Representative crashes into … blah…blah…… Local City Councilman found to be bisexual. (pause) Oh…Poop!”
Douglas: “See, what ‘a little girl tal’k can do?” (sound of newspaper falling to the floor)
Honey: “What are you going to do?”
Douglas: "What am I, going to do? I don’t know, but Reggie Parkinson is sure gonna quake when he reads this."
Honey: “Well, I’m going to my room to wait for Trixie. This is your problem, you told me he was bisexual.”
Douglas: “Hey! This isn’t my fault! Wait, it is… I forgot I was living with American Telephone, Telegraph and ‘Tell-a-woman.”
NARRATOR: “So Douglas frantically paces and paces as the clock slowly reaches 8:00, the time he begins his commute to work at a Corpus Christi High School. Meanwhile, Councilman Reggie Parkinson begins his morning talk to his office.”
(Street sounds of cars and horns)
Reggie Parkinson: (whistling some made up tune) “Good morning, Ma’am.”
Lady pedestrian: "Well, I never. You should be ashamed, you libertine!”
Reggie Parkinson: “Uh?” (Confused) “Sorry Ma’am, its pronounced Libertarian.”
(Sound of Cars passing)
Male Cab Driver: (yelled from passing cab) “Get the hell out of here, weirdo! You God damned sicko!”
Reggie Parkinson: (YELLED) Well! God Bless you too, ass-wipe! What’s wrong with people today? What ever happened to Civility?”
Gay Male Pedestrian: (stereotypical gay man’s voice exaggerated for effect) "Hey, sweet thing. Here’s my number my little chubby Council-Man, you. (as a growl) Grrrrrrrr.”
Reggie Parkinson: “Hey buddy, I don’t swing that way!”
Gay Male Pedestrian: “Don’t hate, participate!”
Reggie Parkinson: “Listen, before I’d submit to that fate, I’d masturbate! Get lost, Penelope!”
Gay Male Pedestrian: “Well, I never!”
Reggie Parkinson: “And, with me, you never will!”
(walking into the office, sound of door opening and closing. Street sound replaced by typing)"
Secretary: "Good morning, Mr. Parkinson.”
Reggie Parkinson: “The city is freaking out this morning, Mrs. Wunderkind. What’s on the agenda.”
Mrs. Wunderkind: "Well, you might want to take time to return some of your messages and missed calls.”
Reggie Parkinson: “Misses calls, its first thing Monday. How many are there?”
Mrs. Wunderkind: "702 (phone rings)…sorry, Sir, 703.”
Reggie Parkinson: “Mrs. Wunderkind, something very queer is going on this morning.”
Secretary Wunderkind: "Uh? (confused) Mr. Parkinson, have your read the newspaper yet?”
(MUSIC SWELLS and fades)
NARRATOR: "Well, what’s peculiar, It’s 8:05 and Douglas is barely leaving the house…"
(car door sound and ignition)
Douglas: (to himself) “Shoot, Parkinson is going to kill me…or worse…sue me. Why can’t he be like normal people and put jam on his toast? (sound of driving off) I should just put it out of my mind. I’ll hear a little talk radio…that will put me at ease!” (sound of car radio turning on)
Radio Talk show host (on Radio):“Good Morning everyone and welcome to Leggo in the morning… I’m your host, Tim Leggo. I get so tired of waking up so early…what’s with that. Did any of you out there hear about that City Councilman…you know… the bisexual! I’m going to dedicate this hour to finding the poor sap that leaked that to the pub…(cut off on mid sentence sound of Douglas turning the Station)
Douglas: “Whoa, maybe talk radio is not for me this morning. Yeah, I’ll hear some NRP, its like talk radio…but without personality. Yeah that’s it, (sound of scanning the dial)…
NRP Radio Host(on Radio): “Good morning and welcome to Morning Version, I’m your host Rob Bedwards. Today in Washington, Senator I. M. Cummings of California unveiled his controversial bill sure to effect the Department of the Interior.”
Sen. Cummings(on Radio): “My bill will bring more diversity to our national park system. Its about time that your parks reflected the shape of things to come. Oh yeah, and its for the children!”
NRP Radio Host(on Radio): “Senator Cummings bill, if passed, will chance the name of the Washington Monument. The legislation will officially name the long erect obelisk the “Gay Man’s and Lesbian Woman’s Washington Monument. Lobbyists from the sex toy industry are really ‘backing’ the measure. Conservative Senator from Texas, Ima Prude had this to say…”
Sen. Prude (on Radio): (seriously)“Its represents a ‘stab in the back’ to all Americans everywhere!” (sound of radio being shut off)
Douglas: “Great God! Why do I bother?”
(Car arrives at school, sound of students and busses)
Douglas: (while fumbling his things) “Hey, what are you kids doing?
(Sound of spray paint cans) Get away from Principal…(pause)…Dumple’s…car.”
(sounds of kids scurrying away and footsteps to door of the school)
Randolph: “Well Doug, how are you feeling today? Too bad about the poor church attendance yesterday.”
Douglas: “Well, what do you expect! It was Super Bowl Sunday”
Randolph: “Oh, about that. Your not a big football fan are you?”
Douglas: “What do you mean?”
Randolph: (SLOW and cynical “OK”) “O.K…. this is December 1st, the Superbowl isn’t until February.”
Douglas: “Well, where were they? Damn faithless people!”
Randolph: (sarcastically yet seriously) “I hate to say it but their faith in God is strong…it was in you that it wasn’t.”
Douglas: “Great! That makes me feel wonderful! Quick, help me find the gothic students so they can give be some suicide pointers.”
Randolph: “Don’t feel bad, you did your part. We at the The Sunnyside United Reformed Church of Our Lady of Eternal Gladness, Corpus Christi Synod hold out our highest regard for those who at least tried.”
Douglas: “I’m sorry, but I’m going back to being Catholic. You people actually worship the Mediocre!”
Randolph: “Hey, don’t judge us like that. Pastor Glenn has saved so many people by taking the guilt and shame out of church. God knows we’re human, if he really wants us he had better work harder to save us.”
Douglas: “I guess that’s what happens when you create a church for all those people who don’t fit in with real religion. Sorry, Bucko, I don’t care if Honey hates that “Catholic” Church but I’m going back.”
Randolph: “I hope you like sleeping, cause that’s one boring place. Stand and sit and knell and stand and sit, are you in church or at aerobics.”
Douglas: “Listen, I was born a Catholic and I feel I should have stayed one.”
Randolph: “But, Doug, all that guilt and damnation. They’ve got it all wrong!”
Douglas: “You know, you never told me what you and Pastor Glenn did right.”
Douglas: (sarcastically) “So you’re not going to be my friend, because I won’t go to your church?”
Randolph: “I don’t talk to Traitors? Oh yeah, I almost forgot… Jesus loves me but he can’t stand you.” (opens door and slams it behind him)
Principal Dumples: “Ah…Mr. McKillyou, good morning. I could help but notice that you were talking…about the…you know… the R-word…with Mr. Randolph.”
Douglas: “Oh, sorry Principal Dumples I didn’t see you standing there. You mean what we were saying about ‘Religion’, Sir?”
Principal Dumples: “Shhhhh! Now, Now, Mr. McKillyou. You know that’s a big no-no!”
Douglas: “I didn’t think discussing it with a fellow teacher on our own time in the hall way was illegal.”
Principal Dumples: “Well, it is? It is a violation of the First Amendment! We can’t have that kind of thing happening in our school now. Can we?”
Douglas: “Sorry, Sir. I wasn’t aware that Free Speech was a violation of the First Amendment. Which part of it are you referring to.”
Principal Dumples: (incredulous) “Mr. McKillyou, I will not have you using that defiant tone with me. I am a graduate of a major university; (voice building in intensity) I have a BS in Education and an MS in Administration. (Outright shouting) If I say it is part of the First Amendment, I am sure any argument you make will fall to those credentials. (snaps finger in Douglas’ face) Just be glad that you are not hereby terminated! (sounds of Kids gathering) You students get back to class or you’re all suspended! Have a good day! (Door Slam!)
Female Student: “Whoa, Mister. What was Mr. Dumples telling you that got him so mad!”
Douglas: “Nothing really, he just told me he has a lot of ‘Bull Shit’ in Education and ‘More Shit’ in Administration! That’s all, now get to class before the bell rings.”
(MUSIC SWELLS over the sound of students getting to class as the School bell rings)
NARRATOR: "Ha! Ha! Ha! Thank you and good night folks. Be sure to tune in next week to, "One Night in Corpus." Remember to use Stealthy Brand Condoms, rememberLet her know your there, she never saw you come!" Until Next time.