“On What Side do you butter your Bread?” is considered the first regular episode of One Night in Corpus Christi, it is here that the regular characters are established and explored. The ubiquitous “Mr. Parkinson” joins Douglas and Honey. The character of Reginald Tremble “Reggie” Parkinson was developed as a play on Parkinson Disease for the purposes of awareness. Capt. Carrales’ Great-grandfather, Francisco Gutierrez died of complications from Parkinson’s in the early 1980’s. The images of the deteriorating disease were among his first recollections, it was hoped that this satire on the disease might bring it into a more public light. This was posted on the on December 4, 2003 at the Eric Von Wade Website. The characters of Douglas McKillyou and his wife, Honey, are developing. NPR, National Public Radio, is lampooned as Douglas’ alarm clock radio goes off. The liberal agenda, often said to be reflected in NPR, is highlighted in a spoof of Morning Edition Sunday that identifies comedian Al Frankin as a Conservative author. The sexual innuendo and crass jokes about Doug and Honey’s sex life are rampant. Doug makes some remarks about DOMESTIC ABUSE, but it is actually Honey that strikes him. “Mr. Parkinson” is still without a first name, but we learn that he maybe a coward and that he regularly has breakfast at the McKillyou’s residence.
Mr. Parkinson expresses the desire to begin a relationship with Doug’s mother-in-law, who is a lesbian. The misunderstanding that will ensue from the phrase, “I butter mine on both sides” produces a plot device for several episodes.
It had been established that Douglas was a pastor, in this episode we find out he is merely covering for his old buddy Pastor Gilbert Glenn. We are then introduced to an altar server named, Randolph, who we later discover actually works with Douglas at his High School. This is also where we are introduced to The Sunnyside United Reformed Church of Our Lady of Eternal Gladness, Corpus Christi Synod, a church with a questionable Pastor.
Douglas is forced to give a sermon, which is never given because church attendance was so poor that day they just cancelled it. This is the first episode to be in three acts.
KEYS RADIO SCRIPT # 2305
Dec. 3, 2003
One Night in Corpus
“On What Side do you butter your Bread?”
Written by Capt J.E. Carrales, III
(Opening Organ Music Theme Song)
Narrator: "RADIO STATION KEYS proudly presents the ERIC VON WADE RADIO DRAMA HOUR... (music swells) brought to you by the Corpus Christi Association of Associations.
(Organ music swells and dies, catchy uplifting music)
NARRATOR: “The sun slowly rises on Sunday in the McKillyou household, too bad our hero, Douglas, doesn’t...
Douglas: (Loud snores followed by a loud alarm clock RADIO Station!)
RADIO: (The sound of the radio fills the room with muffled trumpet music with the familiar sound of obligatory beeping. Then the show’s host monotone begins to speak…)“ Good Morning…at least for some. You’re listening to Morning Version Sunday here on NRP. (Snore from Douglas) Today we are talking with leading conservative advocate Al Frankin… (“SNORE…eh..SNORT…” from Douglas)
Douglas: (rising straight up to a 90 degree seating position) “er…oh…What?”
Honey: (stirring and commenting) “What’s wrong honey…another nocturnal emission?” (laughs)
Douglas: "You’ve gotta be kidding me…Nocturnal Emission?…ha!…With you in the same bed, were lucky to have nocturnal marsupials?"
Honey: "What?!" (incredulous) (loud SLAP!)
Douglas: "Ouch! What’s that for?"
Honey: "Calling yourself a man!”
Douglas: "Funny, der! (making strange face with a strange accent) Hey, what are we doing up so early any way?
Honey: "What?! Don’t tell me you forgot?”
Douglas: "Oh, shoot! For a minute I had.”
Honey: "Yeah, a minute…you usual timing?” (Laughs)
Douglas: "You know, each day you get one step closer to being the poster girl for DOMESTIC ABUSE!"
Honey: "Hey, I don’t have anything to do with this. You’re the one that promised Pastor Glenn that you would fill in for him at Services today!"
Douglas: "God Damn! I sure did!”
Honey: "Hey, don’t use the lord’s name in vane!”
Douglas: “Oh, your right. Sorry, I meant to say…FUCK!”
NARRTOR: “And so Douglas makes his way from the bed to the shower and finally to the kitchen.”
Douglas: (humming) “hum… mummm…(noticing the twenty to thirty bullet holes in the Kitchen wall)…well, (Yelling) Honey, I guess I’m gonna have to splurge for those bay windows you wanted after all.”
(sound of walking across the room and opening the outside door, followed by the sound of birds and other neighborhood noises)
Douglas: (speaking to him self) “Good no one stole the paper today.”
Mr. Parkinson: (said loudly coming out from behind the wall startling Douglas) "Hey neighbor!”
Douglas: (recovering from startled state) “Hey, Parkinson, what’s shaking!”
Mr. Parkinson: “What was all that noise last night? Sounded like something serious. I was temped to check on it but…well…I wasn’t felling well.”
Douglas: “Yes, I understand. I’ve had the same thing! I’m sure my stomach will feel the same way when there a burglar at your house.”
Mr. Parkinson: “My Friend, be reasonable. I really was sick.”
Douglas: "Whatever… What do you want anyway?"
Mr. Parkinson: “Well, its kind of strange. I’ll just come out and say it. I hear your mother-in-law is…well…single! An I though you could…”
Douglas: “…set you up.” (completing Parkinson’s sentence)
Mr. Parkinson: “My Friend, you read my mind. Were like one being, one singular intelligence working together. It’s like we share a brain!
Honey: (passing through to do some chore) “If you ask me, you do!”
Douglas: " (annoyed) Honey, why can’t you be more supportive of me in front of the neighbors!”
Honey: "Doug, I’m your wife, not a bra. I don’t get excited when ever I see to boobs standing together.” (exits)
Douglas: "Ooooo! That woman! Remind me to let you in on my new book project…The Therapeutic Properties of Divorce!"
Mr. Parkinson: “Well, can you set me up?”
Mr. Parkinson: “With your mother-in-law.”
Douglas: "Oh, right! Sorry I hate to shake you, Parkinson, but Dolores is a…well…she don’t butter her bread on the same side we do.”
Mr. Parkinson: “What?! Oh, we’ll that doesn’t bother we. I butter mine on both sides.” (laughter)
Douglas: "…And on that note…”
(walking into the house and shutting the door in Parkinson’s face)"
Douglas: "Can you believe that, guy?”
Honey: “You mean, Mr. Parkinson?”
Douglas: "No, Mr. Clean…of course I mean Parkinson. He’s bi!"
Honey: “Really? What’s he selling?”
Douglas: "No, No! (frustrated) not “buy”… I mean “bi, as in a guy-who-like girls-who-likes-guys -who-like-girls-but-likes guys!” .
Honey: “What? (bewildered) You know, sometimes I think the only thing that keeps me married to you is fear of poverty!”
Douglas: "Oh, really?! The only think that keeps me married to you is fear of a murder charge!"
NARRATOR: "So, our hero dresses and heads for the church where he is going to give his sermon. The sad thing is that our would be pastor doesn’t realize that the prepared sermon that Pastor Glenn “left” him to read actually “went with” the dear pastor. And so…"
(the sounds of fumbling papers)
Douglas: “Shoot, I don’t know where that stupid sermon is, Randolph!”
Altar Server Randolph: “I’ve looked every where, Doug. In all my years of alter service I have never had a problem finding papers in this office.”
Douglas: “Yeah, it was lucky for us you knew the combination of that safe, dressing wardrobe and file cabinet or else we wouldn’t even have these clerical robes.”
Altar Server Randolph: “Combination?”
Douglas: “Er…skip it!” (more sounds of paper fumbling)
(KNOCK at Door)
Honey: “Pastor McKillyou, are you ready, I’m sure the crowd is restless?”
Douglas: (whispered to Randolph) “What am I going to do?”
Randolph: “Well just wing it?”
Douglas: (annoyed and strained) “Are you Kidding?! What do I know about these things?!”
Honey: “Well Doug, it looks as if you had better pray that there is a good God.”
Douglas: “Ha! Ha! If I were you I’d pray for a good plastic surgeon!”
Randolph: “Well, aren’t you a Pastor?”
Douglas: “Remind me latter to tell you how I came to be your Pastor today?”
Randolph: (SLOW and cynical “OK”) “O.K…. well, I guess you had better just make stuff up. You've been to church a few times. Just do what they have done before. And anyway…don’t , you believe in God?”
Douglas: “Well, I guess.”
Randolph: (sarcastically) “You guess?!…Well then, I guess your screwed!”
NARRATOR: “Once again, our hero finds himself in a pickle. He walks toward the chapel from the rectory wishing that he had never agreed to take over while his old high school buddy, Pastor Gilbert Glenn, could get in a few rounds of golf. As he approached he said to himself…”
Douglas: (breathing heavy almost panting) “I believe in God, I believe in God!”
NARRATOR: (Voice quickening and building in anticipation) “With those words he approached the door and flung it open (sound of door opening) and heard the organ begin to play How Great Thou Art. (Music plays and choir voices begin the song) He walked up to the pulpit and, with great strength looked up at the into the coward…”
(All speech is in an “echo chamber” past this point)
Douglas and Randolph: (in Unison) “What the Hell?”
NARRATOR: (Normal pace) “It seems that two worried gentlemen had failed to look up, for in the congregation was the largest, most complete collection of…only two people the two of which had ever seen.”
Old Woman: “Well, Sonny. I don’t think we have a quorum.”
Douglas: “What are you talking about, quorum? This is The Sunnyside United Reformed Church of Our Lady of Eternal Gladness, Corpus Christi Synod not the Texas Legislature!”
Old Man: “Well, when ever two or more are gathered in his game he will be there.”
Douglas: “His game?”
Old Man: “Yes, this is Super Bowl Sunday!”
Old Woman: “Yes, Dallas Cowboys versus the Buffalo Bills.”
Old Man: “You know, the Rematch!”
Douglas: “You know Randolph, there is a God!”
Randolph: “What do you mean?”
Douglas: “Don’t you get it?”
Honey: “No, what do you mean, Genius?”
Douglas: “I’m saved by the Bills!”
(MUSIC SWELLS over the sound people moaning at the cheesiness)
NARRATOR: "Thank you and good night folks. Besure to tune in next week to, "One Night in Corpus." Remember to use Sidewalk_Cipher’s Mind and Brain Wash, “Look for the bottle with the Leftist Stooge on it." Until Next time.