Production Notes:
“Wal*Smarty” explores the critical place that the discount store
Wal*Mart holds in 21st century South Texas Society. The scene opens Douglas and Honey returning
to Corpus Christi after spending the night, New Years Eve, in Premont, Texas
with Doug’s father. This was posted
on the on January 1, 2003 at the Eric
Von Wade Website. This episode addresses several points
that seem to be prevalent in male psychology, it is also a quick break from all
the legalism that the show was going towards since the first episodes of 2004
will deal with Doug’s lawsuit and his on going problems with Principal Dumples.
We are not
introduced to many new characters in this episode, but Marcy, Douglas’ star
pupil is given a last name, Silverman, and a religion, Jewish. This was done since more than one fan
e-mailed in that the show was to “Christian.”
Aside from issues of political correctness, Judaism in South Texas is
never really explored. Why not explore
it here?
The first situation
involves finding a parking space, first Doug has trouble getting off the
expressway due to construction then he must race a Mustang for a parking
space. It is established that Douglas’
current automobile is a Chrysler P.T. Cruiser.
One can learn the
true reason men hate to go shopping with their wife by reading this episode.
In the second and
last act we discover that Trixie Walker and Reggie Parkinson seem to have
something secret going one. Douglas
and Honey resolve to fan the flame of this affair.
Return to “One Night in Corpus” Main Page
KEYS RADIO SCRIPT # 2318
January 1, 2004
One Night in Corpus Christi
“Wal*Smarty”
Written by Capt J.E. Carrales, III
Click Here to visit
the "One Night in Corpus Christi" Web page!
ACT I
(Opening Organ Music Theme Song)
Narrator: "RADIO STATION KEYS proudly presents the ERIC VON WADE RADIO
DRAMA HOUR... (music swells) brought to you by the Corpus Christi Persons
Against People Council who remind you political correctness is nice,
everything else is poop.
(Organ music swells)
NARRATOR: “After spending New Year’s Eve in Premont with our hero’s father,
Roger McKillyou, Honey and Doug slowly make their way back to Corpus Christi.
The night before had been one of rowdy fighting begun by Doug’s father and
concluded by Doug’s lip. The drive back to home was a silent on until…”
(sound of driving)
Honey: (clearing throat) “Doug Dear, How’s you lip?”
Douglas: “Throbbing…(very curtly)… I don’t want to talk about it!”
Honey: “Sorry I asked. (short pause) Whoa, the traffic is pretty heavy out
here.”
Douglas:“ Well, wha’cha expect, its 5:30 in the afternoon on New Year’s Day.
Not only is everyone who fled Corpus Christi for New Year’s trying to get back
home, but there seems to be construction on every major road in Corpus!”
(loud honking)
Douglas: (yelling)“ WELL, WATCH WHERE YOUR GOING, you BASTARD!”
Honey: “Douglas, please!? That guy can’t here you!”
Douglas: “Oh, please, Honey! It’s the thought that counts!” (laughs)
Honey: (very sweetly) “Doug, I know you’re anxious to get home, but do you mind
stopping at the Wal*mart on Greenwood Drive.”
Douglas: (frustrated but compliant) “Oooo! O.K. I guess! If I can find the damn
off-ramp among all these blasted cones and barriers.”
NARRATOR: “And so with a great deal of difficulty and with a little time,
Douglas finally circumnavigates the sea of construction and makes his way to
the totally crowded Wal*Mart parking lot.”
Douglas: (amazed) “ Wow! Look at this! How one earth did all these people
actually find their way into this place? ”
Honey: “Dear, its Wal*mart. Where there’s a WAL there’s a way!”
Douglas: (amazed) “ Look…just look at that guy over there. He looks like an
idiot, how does a dummy like that figure a way in here? And he has six kids!?”
Honey: “Well, I guess sex is the last thing a person can do.”
Douglas: “Were going to have to drive around in this accursed parking lot
forever! (frustrated) Once, just once…Why can’t life be easy?”
Honey: “Doug, chill out. If life were meant to be easy, there would be less
dead people.” (laughs)
Douglas: (sarcastically) “Hardee-har-har!”
NARRATOR: “But, alas! Just then, what lights through yonder parking lot break.”
Honey: (yelling) “LOOK, Dear! Someone’s reversing!”
Douglas: “Honey, brace yourself! Were going for it.”
(Racing Music and sound of racing engines)
Honey: (yelling) “Doug, ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US?! Watch out, that Mustang is
trying to cut us off!”
(tires screeching)
Douglas: “Don’t worry, Honey? That Ford’s got nothing on my P.T. Cruiser…after
all…its turbo!” (laughs)
(Sound of hard breaks)
Douglas: “Hang on!”
Honey: “Damn, Douglas! That was close…you know, I’ve never really noticed that
little loop on the ‘F’ in the Ford moniker before. (mercy laughs) Where did you
learn to drive like that?”
Douglas: (panting)“The U.S. Air Force…only then it was with planes!” (applause)
Honey: “Well, let’s get off and go in.”
Douglas: “What did you need to get from here, anyway?”
Honey: “Oh, nothing really. I just wanted to look around.”
Douglas: “What the…you mean we went through all that for nothing!” (laughs)
Honey: “Well, no. Just a few nonessentials…you know like food. We have none in
the house.”
Douglas: “You mean there is no food? Honey when we got married I only asked
three things. One that there always be ketchup, two that there would always be Falfurrias
Butter in the refrigerator and three that there would always be food in the
house.”
Honey: “Well, all I asked for was a real honeymoon. Instead, all I got was the
County Park in Kingsville?”
Douglas: “Uh, yeah. Let’s get food!”
ACT II
NARRATOR: “What a day? How we must all yearn to be back to that far away
yesteryear when everything was closed on New Year’s Day. But large corporate
behemoths like Wal*Mart are always there for the busy consumer. Douglas and
Honey enter the large warehouse store and join the thousands already improving
the economy of 2004.
Douglas: “Honey, look at this place, its as packed as the parking lot!”
Honey: “I’m going to get a few steaks and some chops for tomorrow, why don’t
you wander around and see what floats your boat.”
Douglas: “I might as well, I hate shopping!”
Honey: “Why is that that all men hate shopping with their wives?”
Douglas: “It’s complicated, but if you really want to know.”
Honey: “I can tell this is going to be one of your long theories, isn’t it?”
Douglas: “It’s not that long…no longer than the gossip sessions you and Trixie
have that get us into so much trouble!”
Honey: “I guess you’ve got me on that one!”
Douglas: “Well, its like this. It goes back to when men were boys. You see,
every boy is forced to ‘hang around’ with his mother. When mom goes shopping,
he has no choice but to tag along. As a woman, a mother is more likely to start
the shopping trip at some place like Dillard’s or J.C. Penny’s.
These are stores that little boys can’t stand!”
Honey: “Why is that? What’s so bad about such places?”
Douglas: “Alright, listen up because what I am about to say I’m only going to
say once. There are no experiences a small boy hates more than getting dressed
in the morning, getting undressed in public and then being gawked at by old
ladies. All three of these thing happen at department stores.”
Honey: “But, as an adult, that doesn’t happen anymore. Why is it so traumatic?”
Douglas: “Oh, my dear, you don’t understand.”
Honey: “You know I try, Dear.”
Douglas: “Uh...? Yeah, whatever. Mother’s are really evil creatures who enjoy
torturing small children. You see, there is no way a boy is going to behave or
sit still for the perceived hours that his mother plans to spend in Mervin’s.
So, mommy dearest will make a promise that she never intends to keep; the
promise that they will visit the local Toy Store if he behaves. It’s like
asking a donkey not to be stubborn, or an ice cube not to be cold; it is beyond
the nature of the animal.”
Honey: “That’s the most ridiculous crap I have ever heard.”
Douglas: “If that’s what you think, what can I say? It’s the truth of most
American males born after 1950.”
Honey: “Oh, poop! Just wander off and I’ll meet you later at the check-out
counter.”
Douglas: “That shouldn’t be too hard, they have 36 check-outs and only two or
three will be open.”
NARRATOR: “While honey attacks Wal*Mart’s grocery section, our hero makes his
way through the crowds to his favorite sections; he hits the automotive
section, the electronics section and, after a quick step through the ‘pink’
aisle, the toy section.”
Douglas: “humm…?”
Macy Silverman: “Hey, Mr. Mac, what are you doing in the toy section?”
Douglas: “Hey, Macy? The wife and me are just doing a little shopping. How was
Christmas?”
Macy Silverman: “I couldn’t tell you, I’m Jewish.”
Douglas: “Really, I didn’t know you were Jewish?”
Macy Silverman: “With a last name like ‘Silverman” you couldn’t make the
connection?”
Douglas: “Sorry, Macy, I don’t make judgments on people based on their last
name. It’s hard, it isn’t fair and I don’t want to offend anyone.”
Macy Silverman: “Well, let’ s see. I bet that you are of Scottish ancestry and
your father was a former railroad worker.”
Douglas: “Well, I guess you could get…hey, how did you know I my pop was a
railroad worker?”
Macy Silverman: “The pocket watch you wear, it’s a give away.”
Douglas: “I’ve always said you had a good head on your shoulders. Its always a
pleasure to meet students out of school, we can actually talk like people.”
Macy Silverman: “Yeah, most of the kids at school are pretty smart; but since
it’s more popular to be dumb…what can we do? So, Mr. Mac, what are you looking
for here in the toy section?”
Douglas: "Nothing really, I just like to keep up with the stuff that we
never had. I mean, its like all the good toys didn’t come out until I was
already grown.”
Macy Silverman: “Yeah, I know what you mean. But…no offense… you’re so old,
Sir.”
Douglas: (jovial) “Ha! None taken, I know I must look like a prune to someone
your age, fact is I’m only 35 years old.”
Macy Silverman: “Gosh, I thought you we more like 60 or something.”
Douglas: “No, that’s just the teaching! Each year one teaches is equal to four
of your ‘earth years.’” (laughs)
Macy Silverman: “Boy! Well that’s something. Well, Sir, you have a happy New
Year.”
Douglas: “Yeah, I’ll see you next week. Bye!”
NARRATOR: “As Douglas bids farewell to his prize student, he hears some
familiar voices from the pharmacy section…”
Reggie: (somewhat distant) “Yeah, that’s a good one. I normally use these to
get to sleep.”
Trixie: (somewhat distant) “Really, I just use rum and Dr. Pepper.”
Reggie: (somewhat distant) “Well, you’re a nurse, this is your bag.”
Trixie: (somewhat distant) “Your pretty, funny, Mr. Parkinson.”
Reggie: (somewhat distant) “Please…(sarcastically and pompous) Beatrice, call
me Reggie.”
(Trixie giggling)
Douglas: (to himself) "Great Scott?! What are they doing here? Wait until
Honey hears this!”
ACT III
NARRATOR: “And so, Doug, like the common gossiping biddy he normally complains
about, set out to find his wife to let her in on what his eyes beheld. (sounds
of running through Wal*Mart) Carefully he made his way from Toys back to
Automotive and across through shoes. (sounds of people saying things like ‘Hey,
watch it Mister!’) Well, we all know the standard make up of Wal*Mart, so I
don’t have to go any further. Finally, he spotted Honey grabbing her
melons…sorry, grapping some melons….I mean…oph…you know what I mean!”
Douglas: "Honey! Honey! You’ll never guess who’s here?”
Honey: “Doug?! What are you doing? Your acting like a maniac!”
Douglas: (excited) “Honey, shut up and listen. Trixie and Reggie are here!”
Honey: “So what, this is America.”
Douglas: "Think of it, Honey! Why are they here, why come to Greenwood
Wal*Mart, there are a plethora of other Wal*Marts in Corpus; On Everhart, in
Flour Bluff all closer to home than this one. They’re sneaking around.”
Honey: “Are you sure it was them?”
Douglas: "Yes, I recognized Reggie’s voice and, who could miss
Trixie’s...”
(Loud Slap)
Douglas: “Hey, what was that for? I didn’t even finish!”
Honey: “You didn’t have to you pervert!”
Douglas: "Oh, shoot! Here they come…uh…hide!”
Honey: “What do you mean, hide? How, where?”
Douglas: "Shhhhh! There nearly here!” (sound of falling into something
soft)
Reggie Parkinson: (slightly in background) “Oh Trixie, I’m glad you decided to
come with me. When, I found out that this Wal*Mart had the new Herb Alpert’s
Definitive Hits album I knew you would want to pick one up.”
Trixie: (slightly in background)(giggling) “Thanks, it was nice of you to buy
me one.”
Reggie Parkinson: (slightly in background) “Well, what are friends for. I just
wish he would do a concert down here.”
Douglas: "Honey, they passed. That was close!”
Honey: “Thanks a lot, I always wanted to know what it was like to take a flying
leap into a pile of toilet paper. ”
Douglas: "Reggie, that cheapskate, he took Trixie on a date to…Wal*Mart.”
Honey: “That’s not so weird. You know, Doug, I’m a little concerned that your
getting off on this.”
Douglas: "Don’t you see? This is our chance to finally get those two
together. You know how they’re always moaning and groaning about how lonely
they are?”
Honey: “Yeah, so?”
Douglas: “Maybe we can get them to moan and groan for an entirely different
reason.” (laughs)
Honey: “Humm? I’m getting an idea.”
Douglas: “Yeah, now’s your chance to add matchmaker to your palate.”
Honey: “Now, Douglas, if we are going to do this we need to really plan it
out.”
Douglas: “Yes, I know.”
Honey: “No you don’t; I need you to fully understand. This can’t be rushed.
This also cannot go wrong, those two can’t know we have anything to do with
this.”
Douglas: “Yes, I following…”
Honey: “No you aren’t; I need you not to think. Leave the thinking to me, this
is a woman’s job!”
Douglas: “Hey, who’s being sexist now?”
Honey: “This has nothing to do with sexism! You’ve got your hands busy with
your lawsuits and the school, just leave stage one and the planning to me.”
Douglas: “Now, I’m not so sure this is such a good idea.”
Honey: “Now you’re waffling? Think of it this way, you and I know they’re in
love…well, all we have to do is let them make that realization among
themselves.”
Douglas: “Yeah, like working with wood, we just have to work the grain.”
Honey: “Wood? Must you men always make this into a sexual thing?”
Douglas: “Duh, Honey…What part of what we are about to do is not ‘a sexual
thing?!’”
(whimsical music)
NARRATOR: "Thank you and good night folks. Be sure to tune in next week
to, "One Night in Corpus." Remember to visit your friends at the
Corpus Christi Building and Loan, working together to make us richer!
Have an extremely good New Year from all of us at CSP, we look forward to
brining you more and better episodes.
(Music ends)