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“Home Invasion”

“Holidays In the Country”

Production Notes:

One could argue that Corpus Christi is the capital of South Texas, it is in this spirit that “Holidays in the Country” is written.  In this episode, we get to explore Douglas’ family, chiefly his father Roger McKillyou.    This was posted on the on December 30, 2003 at the Eric Von Wade Website and is the last official episode of 2003. 


Honey and Douglas drive out to Premont, Texas where Roger lives his retirement.  Before they ever make it to Roger’s house, they get caught in Premont’s speed trap where they meet Deputy Seeligson.  Seeligson is the stereotypical local-yokel who rips up a ticket when he learns that Doug is Roger’s son.  Seeligson also makes an off color remark about Honey, but Doug covers it with some humor.


                  When the couple finally makes their way to Roger’s door they interrupt 68-year-old Roger and his 23-year-old fiancée, Rebecca Adams, make out session.  Honey convinces Douglas to be reasonable and they all intend to spend New Year’s Eve at Laruo’s Bar.  There Roger instigates a fight between Douglas and several of the bar’s regulars that turns into a brawl.


          The quartet escapes to Dairy Queen where Reggie makes a call to wish them a happy New Year.  


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Dec. 30, 2003

One Night in Corpus Christi
“Holiday’s in the Country”
Written by Capt J.E. Carrales, III

(Opening Organ Music Theme Song)

Narrator: "RADIO STATION KEYS proudly presents the ERIC VON WADE RADIO DRAMA HOUR... (music swells) brought to you by the folks at Landru’s Restaurant. Need a place to eat where you can look down on all the little slightly insignificant people? Well, the answer to this question will be yes if you patronize on of the many Landru’s Restaurants in the Corpus Christi Area! Landru’s…soon to be the only place to eat in Corpus Christi. Now, for our show…

(Organ music swells and dies, slight rustic instrumental music)

NARRATOR: “After the hustle and bustle of Christmas time, most Corpus Christians (gasps) like to wind down their holidays with a memorable New Years Day celebration. Ironically, this year our hero and his wife won’t be celebrating this momentous affair in Corpus Christi. Yes, after years and years of staying home, Douglas and Honey are actually going to answer and invitation from Doug’s father, Roger, and make the hour and a half drive down south to Premont, Texas. We join our couple as they speed south down U.S. Highway 281 getting ever closer to the rustic setting of Premont, Texas.”

(sound of a car driving)

Douglas: “Now, Now, Honey. Don’t pout. We’re only spending one day over in Premont. It will be a good break from all those miserable lawyers that have been hounding us since Christmas.”

Honey: “Come on, Doug, what is there to do in Premont? Its 30 miles from nowhere!”

Douglas: “Be reasonable, Honey, what difference does it make if you get drunk in Corpus or Premont? Your just irritable because you didn’t pee when I warned you in Kingsville.”

Honey: “How was I supposed to know there wasn’t so much as a house between Kingsville and Premont? Its like going backwards in time.”

Douglas: “I wish! I’m still turning you in for two 20 year olds when you turn 40.” (laughs)

(loud Slap)

Douglas: “Ouch! What was that for?”

Honey: “Not dying in your sleep last night! How much farther is it anyway?”

Douglas: “We should almost be there. (surprised) Whoa!”

(Sound of slamming on breaks and car tires screeching to a halt.)

Honey: “Hey, what are you trying to do kill us?”

Douglas: “No! The speed limit just dropped from 70 to 20!”

Honey: “That’s ridiculous.”

Douglas: “This must be some kind of speed trap. I’m surprised I don’t hear a…”


Honey: You mean a COP!”

Douglas: “Honey, its times like this I wish you wouldn’t finish my sentences.”

(Knock at the car window)

Deputy Seeligson: “Excuse me, Sir. Would you mind stepping out of the car?”

Douglas: “Uh… yes, officer.”

(sound of car door opening)

Deputy Seeligson: “Sir, I don’t know where you’re from, but we have laws around these parts.”

Douglas: “Uh… yes, officer…but, I didn’t see the sign until it was already upon me.”

Deputy Seeligson: “You were going 45 m.p.h. in a 20 mile zone. You know, Sir, excuses are a lot like assholes; everybody has one. Can I see your drivers license and insurance…er…papers, please?”

Douglas: “Sir, is this going to take a long time? I’m meeting with my dad here in Premont.”

Deputy Seeligson: “Douglas S. McKillyou? Are you related to old Roger McKillyou that lives over on Bernice Street?”

Douglas: “Yes, he’s my dad.”

Deputy Seeligson: “Well, why didn’t you say so? (sound of ripping up the ticket) He’s a good friend of mine.”

Douglas: “Well, what about the law?”

Deputy Seeligson: “Hell, Mac, the law don’t apply among friends.”

Douglas: “Really? That explains why your State Representative is now in so much trouble?”

Honey: “Doug, what are you doing out there?”

Douglas: “Nothing, Honey, this officer is a friend of Pop’s.”

Deputy Seeligson: “Is that you wife, Mac?”

Douglas: “Why, yes, she is.”

Deputy Seeligson: “She’s pretty big in the ‘boob department’ isn’t she?” (laughs)

Douglas: (surprised and incredulous) “I beg your pardon?!”

Deputy Seeligson: “Why? Did you burp or something?”

Honey: “What now, Douglas?”

Douglas: “Uh…nothing…he was just checking our headlights.” (laughs and applause)

Deputy Seeligson: “Just, follow me and I’ll take you to his house. He lives at 723 and a half North Bernice Street.”

Douglas: “O.K., I’ve got your tale.”

Deputy Seeligson: (angry) “Hey! What do you mean by that, Mac?.”

Douglas: “It means… ‘I’ll follow you’…nothing else, nothing more.”

Deputy Seeligson: “Sorry, Mac, but we’ve been watching Channel 3, KYYY out of Corpus Christi and were just a little jumpy about those bisexual types you have up there. I hear a couple of your Councilmen are…rubbing the cat the wrong way…if you know what I mean.”

Douglas: “Trust me, I know more that you’ll ever know. But, don’t worry about that from me…would I have a wife with headlights like that if I were…eh…questionable.”

Deputy Seeligson: “It’s like I said, we can’t take any chances. Just follow behind me and we’ll be at your Dad’s place in no time.”

NARRATOR: “Doug and Honey followed Deputy Seeligson and soon they were at the front porch of Roger McKillyou. Honey and Doug exited their vehicle and made their way to the door.”


Douglas: (yelling)“Pop, we’re here!”

(more knocking)

Douglas: (yelling)“It’s me Douglas, and your favorite Daughter-in-law, Honey!”

Honey: “Where do you think he could be? I told him we were coming?”

Roger McKillyou: (muffled behind the door)“Hang on, Son. I’ll be right there.” (sound of things shuffling)

Douglas: “What do you suppose he’s doing in there, Honey?”

Honey: “I really couldn’t say, it sounds like a herd of elephants scurrying around.”

Roger McKillyou: (sound of door opening-Roger is almost out of breath)“Ahh, Son, its good to see you. I didn’t expect you for an hour or so?”

Douglas: “Pop, look at you! Your hair’s a mess, your shirt is un buttoned and your fly’s open. Just because you live by yourself doesn’t mean you should let yourself go.”

Honey: “Uh…Doug.”

Douglas: “And look at your furniture! This couch looks like you’ve been jumping on it! These drinks you have spilled all over the coffee table, it’s a wonder you don’t have mice?”

Honey: “Uh…Douglas, Dear.”

Douglas: “Not now, Honey! Can’t you see I’m scolding my father?”

Rebecca Adams: (young voice) “Why, Hello! You must be Douglas, Roger has told me so much about you. (excited) It’s good to finally actually meet you!”

Roger McKillyou: “Son, I want you to meet Rebecca…Rebecca Adams.”

Douglas: “Oh, it’s a pleasure to meet you, Ms. Adams. Now where was I… Oh, yes…Pop, I’m ashamed that you’re in this disheveled condition, especially when you have…when you have…uh…female…company?”

Honey: “It’s a pleasure to meet you, Rebecca. I’m Honey, Douglas’ wife.”

Douglas: “Excuse me, Ms. Adams, who are you exactly?”

Rebecca Adams: “I’m sorry. I’m your father’s…special friend.”

(loud thud)

Honey: (concerned) “Douglas?!”

Roger McKillyou: “He’s passed out. I’ll get the smelling salts!”

Honey: “They still sell that?”

(music swells and fades)


NARRATOR: “Oh my, poor Douglas has just been introduced to Rebecca, surely a milestone in his life. The gravity of ‘exactly who’ Rebecca was seemed to have a profound effect on our hero. Unfortunately, the truly astonishing revelations were soon to come…”

Honey: “…And exactly what is the problem with your father’s relationship with Rebecca?”

Douglas: “Honey, its just not right. Rebecca is 23 years old and my father is 68. Rebecca saw Pearl Harbor with Ben Affleck, Pop saw Pearl Harbor in person

Honey: “I admit, the age difference is an issue, but love has few boundaries.”

Douglas: “Yeah, and lust has even fewer!”

Honey: “Please, Douglas, do me the favor of just swallowing it for tonight. Let’s just celebrate the New Year and then put this behind us.”

Douglas: “Did you have to say ‘swallowing,’ Honey?”

Honey: “If you do this for me…well, we’ll just see about swallowing?”

Douglas: (gulp) “As always, my dear wife, I yield you your superior logic.”

Honey: “I thought you would. Now, lets just see what your father and his fiancée have planned for the New Years.”

Douglas: “Fiancée?!”

Honey: “Just swallow it dear!”

(Roger entering the room)

Roger McKillyou: “Well, Son, have you recovered from your shock?”

Douglas: “Why, yes, Pop. I’m sorry I reacted that way, but she was a bit…young.”

Roger McKillyou: “Son, those are the best kind!”

Douglas: “Pop, but what about someone your own age? Wouldn’t you like that?”

Roger McKillyou: “Son, would you?”


Douglas: “Uh…good point, Pop?”

Roger McKillyou: “Well, enough of that crap. I’ve got a great night planned for us, were going to Lauro’s Bar in Downtown Premont. We’ll bring in the New Year with drinks and music…I hope you like Mexican music. Tonight they have Jose Juanito Carranza y sus BOYZ!

Douglas: “I don’t mind pop, what ever you and lolita…I mean Rebecca want to do.”

Roger McKillyou: “Good, we’ll leave in a few minutes…I can’t wait. It’s been so long since you and I have had quality time together.”

Douglas: “Good one, Pop. (to himself)…just what I always wanted to do, watch my Pop put the Mac in McKillyou!”

NARRATOR: “Time went by rather fast and soon our quartet was exiting their automobiles in downtown Premont. Aside from the fact that Lauro’s Bar was literally a stone’s throw from U.S. Highway 281 and the loud sound of passing tractor trailers and their subsequent mini wind storm broke the otherwise peaceful sounds of the cantina.

(sound of Spanish music)

Honey: “Oh, Doug, this is so romantic. It’s like being in an old movie.”

Douglas: “Yeah…Star Wars!”

Roger McKillyou: “Here, I’ll get us a table.”

(cantina sounds)

NARRATOR: “It doesn’t take long for the bar to become lively and, after a few drinks and songs, Douglas no longer worried about Rebecca’s age. At a nearby table, a rowdy group of bar denizens made their way through round after round.”

Douglas: “Hey, this turned out alright after all, Pop.”

Roger McKillyou: (suffering from slurred speech) “Yep…you said it, boy.”

(Loud surge of laughing from the neighboring table)

Douglas: “It would be ideal, if these loudmouths would hold it down though.”

Honey: “Hey? Rebecca, let’s go powder our noses.”

Douglas: “Honey, if you need to take a piss, just say so.”

Honey: “You should get some manners?”

Douglas: “You…just go. I don’t know why you women have to go in groups. You never see men go to the bathroom in groups.”

Roger McKillyou: (still suffering from slurred speech) “Once, when I was in the Navy…in San Francisco. I…I…. (burp) saw 15 men go to the bathroom at once.”

Douglas: “Dad, don’t even finish.”

Roger McKillyou: “You know, your right. That story…(burp)…sure leaves me with a bad taste in my mouth.”

(Music swells)


NARRATOR: “To recap our turn of events, Douglas and Honey traveled about 70 miles south to Premont, Texas to Spend the New Year with Douglas’ widower father. As it turned out, Roger McKillyou wasn’t as lonely as our hero thought. In fact Roger had shacked up with 23-year-old Rebecca Adams. Despite this… uh…situation Honey persuaded Douglas to have a good time…with an even better time to follow. The group then retired to Lauro’s Bar in downtown Premont. Let’s join Honey and Rebecca in the powder room…”

Honey: “So, you really love Doug’s father?”

Rebecca Adams: “Oh, yes. He’s a dream.”

Honey: “A…dream?”

Rebecca Adams: “Yeah, when he asked me to go steady, I thought I was going to die. He’s so swell!”

Honey: “Uh? I think you were raised on a few too many Nick-at-Night reruns, Rebecca.”

Rebecca Adams: “Call, me Becky! Its sure keen of you to talk so down to earth with me.”

NARRATOR: “Oh, so the truth comes through! It is possible that Rebecca…er…Becky might actually truly verily love old Roger. Could it be that that combination of growing up in Premont, where the 1950’s continued on into the 21st century, and too many episodes of The Donna Reed Show and Make Room for Daddy had an unexpected result. But, meanwhile back at the table…”

(loud carousing in the bar with Mexican music in the background)

Roger McKillyou: (speech still slurred) “You know, Dougee, those bastards are really getting on my nerves!”

Douglas: “Yeah, I know what you mean.”


(gasps and angry sounds from the rowdy table)

Douglas: “Pop, what the hell are you doing?”


Douglas: “Dad, shut up, please.”

Jacinto Reyes: “What the hell are you talking about old man? Who the hell do you think you are?”


Jacinto Reyes: “Oh, really and who do you think you are. You FAGGOT!”

Douglas: “Now, Now, Sir. I’m sorry; my father here has had too much to drink. This is a big misunderstanding. I’ll keep him quiet.”

Jacinto Reyes: “What’s the matter? You a gutless coward as well as a FAGGOT?”

(sounds of OOOOO’s from the crowd)

Douglas: “No, I’m not a coward. I just don’t have anything against you. Now let’s just bring in the New Year in peace.”

Roger McKillyou: (LOUDER THAN EVER) “YEAH! MY SON AIN’T SCARED! HE TORE APPART AN IRAQUI with his BEAR hands during the GULF WAR. He’ll make short work of you.”

Jacinto Reyes: “Oh, yeah!?”

(Sound of a punch)

NARRATOR: (excited) “And with that…one punch on our completely off guard hero sent him flying across the room and right into…”

(crash bass drum)

NARRATOR: “…the Bass drum of Jose Juanito’s drum set.”

Jose Juanito: “You bastard! I only had 20 more payments on this thing! Let’s get him BOYZ!”

(Sound of a brawl)

NARRATOR: “Oh, what a fight! The place reverted to complete chaos as bar denizens began something quite similar to the Battle of New Orleans. Chairs were broken and bottles were thrown. By the way, some of these chairs were made of metal and had been bolted to the floor. In the middle of the fighting, probably at its worse point, Honey and Becky emerged from the…powder room.”

(sounds of punches)

Honey: “What the…?”

(sounds of more punches and glass breaking)

Douglas: (while fighting and a bit frantic) “Honey…(punch) start the… (glass bottle breaking)…car!”

(sounds of fighting, fire trucks and police sirens)

Honey: “Doug, fight your way to the door? You dad is already out here.””

Douglas: “What? He is he doing out there?”

Honey: “He says he has a sixth sense about when a fight is going to break out. Hurry the cops are getting here?”

NARRATOR: “After what seems to be an eternity, Douglas makes his way to the door and they drive away…(sound of car peeling out)…and make their way a few blocks north on U.S. 281 to the local Dairy Queen.”

Douglas: “Oh Honey, order me another cup of ice for my busted lip.”

Honey: “You know, Dear? You don’t look too bad. You don’t have any black eyes or anything.”

Douglas: “Why don’t you take Reggie’s advise about meeting people and apply here?”

Honey: “Really? What does he normally say?”

Douglas: “Its not how one looks on the outside that matters, it’s what’s on the inside… you know, internal bleeding?”

Rebecca Adams: “Gee? That was kind of fun?”

Douglas: “Yeah, too bad it only hurts when I laugh!”

Roger McKillyou: “Son, could you order me a banana split?”

Douglas: “Why, what are you going to do? Start a fight with the soda jerk?”

Soda Jerk: (in the background) “Hey, you? Who are you calling a jerk?”

Honey: “Here you go dear, more ice for your lip.”

Douglas: “Thanks, Honey.”

(clock chimes…Auld Lang Syne begins)

Honey: “Well, it’s a New Years. Come here, Doug!”

(LOUD Kiss)

Douglas: (yelling)“AHHHHHHH!.”

Honey: “Sorry, Doug, I forgot.”

Douglas: (yelling)“Dad, I hope you’re happy! Dad?”

(Sound of heavy kissing)

Douglas: “Great!? I’m in real pain and he’s ‘getting it on’”

(cell phone rings)

Honey: “Its mine, I’ll get it. Hello?”

Reggie Parkinson: (on the phone) “Hey, Honey! Just calling to wish you a happy New Year! How’s good ole Doug, tonight?”

Honey: “Uh, swell, well more like swollen!”

Reggie Parkinson: (on the phone) “Well, put him on so I can wish him a happy 2004 in person!”

Honey: “O.k! Here, Doug, it Reggie.”

Reggie Parkinson: (on the phone) “Happy New Year old man. Well, is it as boring as Honey though it was going to be?”

Douglas: “Yeah, haven’t you heard…(sarcasm) ‘there’s nothing to do in Premont’”

Reggie Parkinson: (on the phone) “Well, they say you can tell how the year is going to go based on New Year’s Eve. Well, is it going to be a good year or what?”

Douglas: “Reggie, Reggie, Reggie…God Damn you too…”

(sound of a quiet party)

Reggie Parkinson: (not on the phone) “Hello? Hello? Hey, I think he hung up on me!”

(Wah! Wah! Wah! Wah! Sound made with a trumpet and Harmond mute)

NARRATOR: "From all of us here at “One Night in Corpus Christi” to all of you, have a Happy New Year. Remember to drink responsibly; the only spirits we want you seeing are Jim Beam and Jack Daniels, not Saint Peter. Thank you and good night folks. Be sure to tune in next week to, "One Night in Corpus."

(Music ends)