“The Cat Burglar”

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Production Notes:

The cat burglar is the pilot episode for One Night in Corpus Christi, unlike other episodes, which are written in three acts this episode has only two. Douglas and Honey are the only two characters. This was written as a response to a “Gun Control” stand written on the Eric Von Wade Website. The characters of Douglas McKillyou and his wife, Honey, are still undeveloped. What are present are the verbal spars, Douglas’s catch phrase, “Ouch What was that for?” and his preoccupation with guns.

It is established that Douglas is a pastor (which is later to be proven untrue) and that he spends most Saturday nights with the boys who are not identified for many episodes. The fact that Honey’s mother is a lesbian is also revealed. Douglas is less ‘down to earth’ in this episode and a mere caricature of the person he will later develop into.

It is worthy to note that this episode begins some satire on the nature of irresponsible gun ownership. In later episodes, Douglas will be a proponent of the right to bear arms and a growingly improved marksman and gun owner. Honey is very witty, and their relationship is very love hate. Contrary to much conjecture, the role of “Honey McKillyou was not based on Eric Von Wade producer Dawn Michaels. The “KEYS RADIO SCRIPT” number is completely arbitrary.

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KEYS RADIO SCRIPT # 2304
Dec. 3, 2003

One Night in Corpus Christi

“The Cat Burglar”
Written by Capt. J. E. Carrales , III

ACT I
(Opening Organ Music Theme Song)

Narrator: "RADIO STATION KEYS proudly presents the ERIC VON WADE RADIO DRAMA HOUR... (music swells) brought to you by the Corpus Christi Society for the Elimination of Stupidity.

(Organ music swells and dies, catchy uplifting music)

NARRATOR: When we last left our hero, Douglas MacKillyou he had just got home from a night out with the boys...

Douglas: "You know, Honey, we had a great time tonight...(yawn)...oh, I'm beat. I think I'll hit the sack!"

Honey: "We'll, (scoff) that's a fine kettle of fish! You stay out all night with your friends and when I need a little sugar your 'cane' can never rise to the occasion! (applause) Well, I never!

Douglas: "Yeah, (pause) Keep it up ,Honey, and you never will!"

Honey: "What is it dear, don't you love me any more? (SOB)

Douglas: "What are you talking about, Honey? You know I love you..."

Honey: "Really! Oh, come here you let me hug you!" (moves to give him a hug)

Douglas: "...You I love...Married you didn't I...too bad I'm only dating your Personality!"

Honey: "What?!" (incredulous) (loud SLAP!)

Douglas: "Ouch! What was that for?"

Honey: "Oh, you men are all the same. I know I should have listened to mother and become a lesbian!"

Douglas: "Your mother!? The divorce and alimony may have cost your father a fortune, but it sure saved his mind and the cost on institutionalization!"

Honey: "Go to sleep, your a horrible drunk... sleep it off...what would the neighbors say if they she you with the "hair of the dog" tomorrow at church!"

Douglas: "Honey, I'm sure other men will be "hung over" too! ...and I plan to be "well hung, tomorrow!"

Honey: "Yeah, maybe! But your the PASTOR!" (Laughs theme music comes on and music swells slightly and fades to a snoring Douglas)

ACT II

Douglas: (Loud snores)

(loud CRASH!)

Honey: "Leaping lizards! What was that?"

Douglas: (Loud snores)

Honey: "Doug, wake up! (pushes Douglas who begins to stir)"

Douglas: "No, Aunt Sylvia, I don't want a Popsicle...er...(SNORT) uh...what?"

Honey: "Doug, I think there's a burglar down stairs. And, Damn you, Sylvia is my AUNT!"

Douglas: "What?"

(loud Crash)

Honey: "Did you hear that? You're a man, do something!"

Douglas: (yelling)" HEY, KEEP IT DOWN! WE'RE TRYING TO SLEEP UP HERE!"

Honey: "What on earth are you doing!"

Douglas: "Well, I have to get to work tomorrow. If he's going to steel our Elvis Collectors Toothpicks and collection of 'McMillian and Wife' DVDs he should have the respect to keep it down. Don't people have any standards anymore!" (getting out of bed)

Honey: "For Pete's sake, be careful!"

Douglas: "Don't worry, I may be killed...my lifeless body may lie oozing life on the floor, but I rest in the hope that...if he does get me... that the government will find it in their heart to look after you."

Honey: "That won't happen. What about your insurance?"

Douglas: "Oh, I almost forgot. (going into the closet. He rustling sounds emerges with a 1928 Thompson Submachingun) There now your mother and I have something in common, were both out of the closet!

NARRATOR: "Douglas comes down the stairs carefully only to encounter the darkness below."

Douglas: "Sure is dark down here? Too bad the liberal made us conserve energy. The nightlight would have helped."

(Series of loud crashes Crash)

Douglas: "Damn! It is a burglar!"

(VERY LOUD RAT-A-TAT-A-TAT-A-TAT)

Douglas: "Freeze or I'll shoot"

(very slight Meow)

Honey: "DOUGLAS! (shouting as she runs down the stairs) What happened I hear shooting! Did you get him?"

Douglas: "No, but I did get some pussy!"

(MUSIC SWELLS over the sound of cats)

NARRATOR: "Thank you and good night folks. Be sure to tune in next week to, "One Night in Corpus." Remember to use Johnsey's Wax Super Premium Glo-Coat,"It will make even the dullest floor seem to shine and brighten any debate."