Characters: (Somewhat by Appearance)
NARRATOR- The Narrator is exactly that, the main
announcer of the program who provides insight and commentary on the actions of
all the other characters that would otherwise not be possible in the radio
format. The Narrator is an important
character, although he rarely interacts directly with the characters.
He introduces the program, its
sponsors and closes the episode with a proper conclusion. He refers to Douglas McKillyou as “our
hero.” He is witty, smart and uncanny. Although slightly dramatic, his tone is
usually cheerful.
Douglas
Stephen McKillyou- The
main protagonist, Douglas is first presented as a guy who enjoys a night out
with the guys. We soon learn that his
relationship with his wife, Honey, is one of controlled chaos. Douglas’ favorite television show is
'McMillian and Wife' and he owns an Thompson submachine gun.
In the episode On What Side is Your
Bread Buttered On?, we learn that Douglas is a political and social
conservative. His best friend is Reggie
Parkinson, his next-door neighbor. He
has trouble with is mother-in-law, Dolores Pendleton, who is a lesbian. He develops a frustration with religion in On
What Side is Your Bread Buttered On? and in Mistaken Indemnity? He
then reverts to becoming a devote Roman Catholic after dealings with “invented”
Protestantism.
Douglas is a teacher and has frequent
run-ins with his boss, the inept Principal Herman Dumples.
As part of his back-story, Douglas was
born on July 5, 1968 and attended Corpus Christi schools in the late 1970’s and
early 1980’s finally graduating in 1975.
He attended Texas A&I University and graduated as Class of 1989 with
a degree in history. While in college
he participated in ROTC and became a lieutenant in the U.S. Army, where he
transferred to the U.S Air Force. He
took pilot training and, having missed the fighter pilot qualification by a
small margin; he became a transport pilot.
When the Persian Gulf War began, he was transferred to an Air Security
Department as commander of a Ground Secretary Squadron with the rank of
Captain.
He left the Air Force in 1994 after
marrying Honey Pendleton when he returned home to Corpus Christi. He secured a Texas teaching certificate in
1994 and began teaching at Corpus Christi High School in 1995 where he has
worked since.
Douglas drives a Chrysler P.T. Cruiser
Turbo, but once owned a 1981 Pontiac Bonneville.
Honey
Pendleton McKillyou-
Honey is Douglas McKillyou’s wife, a recovering Liberal, the sight of Douglas
in his air force struck her uniform and they married in 1994. Although she is happily married to Douglas,
she and Douglas maintain a feisty relationship and actually enjoy argument.
Honey McKillyou was born on January 5, 1972. She entered high school in 1986 and
graduated in 1989. She was attended
Corpus Christi State University in 1990 and graduated in 1994. She remained quite shiftless dealing with
the fact that her mother is became a lesbian and her father apparently
abandoned them when she was quite young.
Honey works as a teller at the Corpus Christi Building and Loan
where she struggles against the forces of interoffice relationships, of which
she refuses to participate.
Aunt Sylvia- Mentioned in The Cat Burglar,
Honey McKillyou’s aunt. Douglas was
dreaming about her and a Popsicle.
Dolores
Roxanne Pendleton-
Dolores is Honey McKillyou’s mother. A
confessed liberal and lesbian. Although
her beliefs are shallow, even by liberal standards, she is a quick wit. Mentioned first in The Cat Burglar and
several times before actually being featured.
Dolores is first see in a “flashback”
sequence in Honey’s Christmas Carol where she is seen “henpecking” her
then husband, Lester Pendleton.
Dolores’ first rue appearance is in Where Legal Eagles Dare, where she
files for Honey and Doug’s divorce.
Dolores tries to interest Honey in young lawyer, Lorelei Carlisle, but
Honey will have none of it.
Reginald
Tremble “Reggie” Parkinson- Parkinson is the McKillyou’s next-door neighbor and Corpus
Christi city Councilman. He is a rather
lonely person who spends most of this time with Douglas and Honey. He is a big
Fan of Kreamy Krisp Donuts. Served in the U.S Army as an officer.
Douglas and Reggie grew up together as
neighbors and served in the Cub Scouts and Boy Scouts together. They also
attended Mary Carroll High school.
Pastor
Gilbert Glenn- Pastor
of the Sunnyside United Reformed Church of Our Lady of Eternal Gladness,
Corpus Christi Synod church and high school friend of Douglas
McKillyou. A very liberal pastor in
terms of religions
Edgar
Randolph- Altar Server
at the Sunnyside United Reformed Church of Our Lady of Eternal Gladness,
Corpus Christi Synod and coworker of Douglas. Religious zealot and hypocrite.
Old Man- Member of Pastor Glenn’s Church
Old Woman- Member of Pastor Glenn’s Church
Beatrice
“Trixie” Walker-
Trixie is Honey’s best friend and a part time gossip. She works as a nurse at a fertility clinic run by Dr.
Peckinpaugh. She begins as a very lonely single woman. Likes Herb Alpert Music
and shares many interests with Reggie Parkinson.
Mrs. Greta
Wunderkind- Reggie
Parkinson’s secretary, she is an older woman most likely in her late 50’s. In Where Legal Eagles Dare it is
determined that Greta is 57 years old. Has an office romance with Reggie that
amounts to casual sex. She is in the
declining stages of her marriage and in the thriving stages of sexual drive.
Also in Where Legal Eagles Dare
it is determined that Greta used to make cookies for Doug and Reggie’s Cub
Scout troop.
Tim Leggo- Leggo is News/Talk 1330 LOKS Morning
talk radio host. He serves as the Host
of Christmas Past when Honey dreams on Christmas night 2003.
Rob
Bedwards- NRP’s
“temporary” host of Morning Version.
Portrayed as being liberal, bout with an objective tone.
Senator I.
M. Cummings- Overly
Liberal Senator from California.
Senator Ima
Prude- Overly
Conservative Senator from Texas.
Principal
Herman Dumples-
Dumples is Douglas’ mostly inept boss at Corpus Christi High School. Suffers
from emotional problems of self-worthlessness and compensates by throwing
around his various college degrees. Was
a Master Sergeant in the U.S. Army in the 1980’s.
Female
Student- Student that
attends Corpus Christi High School
Doris
Cantor- Female friend
of Honey and Trixie, a gossip!
Helen Nile- Also a female friend of Honey and
Trixie, also a gossip!
Heather
Wilcox- Yet another
female friend of Honey and Trixie, the biggest gossip. Married to Newspaper reporter, James Harmon
Wilcox.
James
Harmon Wilcox- “Award
Winning” newspaper reporter known to print questionable stories based on gossip
perpetuated by rumors his wife Heather encounters.
Dr. Romulus
Peckinpaugh-
Peckinpaugh is Trixie Walker’s employer, a fertility doctor. Sex is his hobby!
Max Juarez- Max is one of Douglas’ students,
family has a rich tradition on welfare.
Not a very studious student.
Macy
Silverman- A level
headed student in Douglas’ class. In Wal*Smarty,
we learn she is Jewish.
Frank
Satchel- The host of
NRP’s afternoon show No Things Considered.
John
Guillermos- NRP’s
Hollywood correspondent
Michael
Less- Erratic movie
director who makes pornographic films for the benefit of the society and well
as documentaries that are…er…questionable at best.
Derrick Von
Ray- Afternoon Talk
Radio show host on News Talk 1330 LOKS.
He is conservative, but poignant. He serves as the Host of Christmas
Present when Honey dreams on Christmas night 2003. His main “catch phrase” is “like a shower
of cold actuality”
Major
Hannibal Disaster- Air
Force pilot who flew over Socialist France.
Richard
“Rocco” Traviato-
Burglar and general criminal type that breaks into the McKillyou house.
Rupert
“Lefty” Masters- The more loveable burglar and general
criminal type that breaks into the McKillyou house, sadly has a heart attack
when he catches Doug and Honey making love.
Officer King- An extremely old and almost senile police officer that liberal courts and lawsuit abuse kept on the force. Sent with his partner, Officer Dales, to investigate the Home Invasion at the McKillyou place.
Officer Dales- Set with Kings to lessen the potential damage to the police force, he is a man in his late 30’s who is quite effective as a crime fighter. Investigates the Home Invasion at the McKillyou place.
Roger
McKillyou- Douglas’
father, Honey and Doug Spend New Year’s Eve 2004 with him and his 23-year-old
fiancée, Rebecca Adams. He is a
well-known in Premont, Texas, where he chose to retire from the South
Texas-Mexican Railway, but is a lousy drunk.
He starts a fight between Doug and Jacinto Reyes at Lauro’s Bar in
Premont. Roger is 68 years old in 2003.
He served in the U.S. Navy.
Mrs. Marcia
Mallow- The Secretary
at Corpus Christi High School.
Mr.
Millhouse Rodham-
Rodham was Principal Dumples’ 8th grade history teacher, quite
possible the worst teacher in existence.
Mr.
Albrecht Wunderkind-
Mrs. Greta Wunderkind’s husband.
Sexually dormant husband.
Albrecht is a World War II veteran.
Mayor Floyd
Freely- Freely is the
acerbic Mayor of Corpus Christi.
Councilwoman
Harmony Kubrick-
Councilwoman Kubrick is a member of the Corpus Christi City Council. She is
highly conservative and leads a crusade against Reggie Parkinson, until she
finds out the Parkinson is not a bisexual.
Her main foil is Percy Willow.
Percival
“Percy” Willow- Percy
Willow is a member of the Corpus Christi City Council. He is highly liberal and
leads a crusade to completely liberalize Corpus Christi in all respects. He is one of Douglas’ main enemies.
Yvonne- Yvonne is fellow teller at the Bank
where Honey works. Basically a
depressed slut who is little by little sleeping her way to the top of the
Bank’s hierarchy.
Honey’s
Boss- The manager of
the Bank where Honey is employed.
Throckmorton
P. Gildersleeve- The
Great Gildersleeve is a character from old time radio; he visits Honey in
Christmas 2003 and says three Hosts will visit her.
Lester
Pendleton- Honey’s
father who she hasn’t seen since she was a little girl. Divorced Dolores in 1978 and was kept away
by a string of restraining orders.
Judge
Steven Rhoder- Corpus
Christi state judge who sat from 1959-1989.
Divorced Lester and Dolores in 1978 and issued injunctions against
Lester that prohibited him from seeing Honey. He is also the father of Judge
Ray L. Rhoder.
Thomas M.
Edwards- Edwards is an
attorney who defended Lester Pendleton in his plea to keep custody of his
daughter. Lester was his first
case. Although he lost his first case
Edwards came to become a prominent attorney in Corpus Christi.
Edwards defends Douglas in the
wrongful death lawsuit Rocco Traviato files against Douglas.
Lorelei
Carlisle- A young
hotshot lawyer who agrees to file Doug and Honey’s divorce at the behest of
Dolores and represents Rocco Traviato in his lawsuit against Douglas for the
death of Left Masters.
Although initially Dolores gives the
impression that Lorelei is a lesbian, this is yet to be substantiated.
Wesley
Hargrove- A young
legal assistant to the Court of Judge Ray L. Rhoder. Although he is a lawyer by trade and graduated with high honors,
he lacks to confidence to really get into it.
He delivers the summons to Douglas informing him that Rocco Traviato is
suing him.
Deputy
Seeligson- A rather
inept small town deputy with an affinity for speeders racing through Premont’s
speed trap and Honey McKillyou’s upper half.
Rebecca
Adams- This is Roger
McKillyou’s 23-year-old fiancée. Due to
too much Nick-at-Nite and exposure to life in Premont, Texas she is
predisposed to fall for extremely older men. Known as Becky.
Jose
Juanito Carranza- A Tejano
band leader who often plays at Lauro’s Bar in Premont, Texas. The name of his group is Jose Juanito
Carranza y sus BOYZ. Douglas is punched into the bass drum of his drum set
on New Year’s Eve 2004.
Antonio
“Tony” Ramos- A
student in Douglas class who can’t spell his full first name.
Joe
Watchmen- Main News
anchor at KYYY TV.
Lucy
Graves-
Anchor/Reporter woman for KYYY TV. She
breaks the story about Douglas to the general public.
Fictitious Sponsors/ Corpus Christi
Institutions:
Corpus
Christi Society for the Elimination of Stupidity- A strange mix of Conservative
organizations designed to educate the ignorant and stupid people who reside in
South Texas.
Johnsey's
Wax Super Premium Glo-Coat- A floor wax produced by the Johnsey Wax Company of Robstown,
Texas.
Corpus
Christi Association of Associations- A strange grouping of associations who seek to further the goals
of associations in Corpus Christi.
Sunnyside
United Reformed Church of Our Lady of Eternal Gladness, Corpus Christi Synod- A church founded by Reverend Gilbert
Glenn, very liberal.
Sidewalk_Cipher’s
Mind and Brain Wash- A
book on tape series on how to control the minds of those around you.
Corpus Christi Atheist Choir Boys’- A musical group made up of the children of Corpus Christi Atheists.
Landru’s
Restaurant- A
nationwide restaurant chain that seeks to takeover Corpus Christi.
Corpus
Christi High School-
This is a relatively new high school in Corpus Christi where Douglas McKillyou
is a teacher.
Stealthy
Brand Condoms- A prophylactic
sexual devise produced at a factory in Portland, Texas.
Corpus
Christi Society for the Preservation of Cruelty toward the Stupid- A liberal organization formed to
counter the works of the Corpus Christi Society for the Elimination of Stupidity
ad further the rights of Stupid Americans.
Corpus
Christi Persons Against People Council- This is an organization whose goal is to promote political
correctness in Corpus Christi.
Society for
the Ugly and Repulsive-
This group meets on Wednesday nights in very dark places.
Frosted
Fakes- This is a
breakfast cereal made somewhere in Kingsville, Texas.
Casa de
Cucarachas- One well
liked Mexican restaurant with a huge insect problem. Hey, we have roaches,
why lie!
Corpus
Christi Building and Loan- A local bank where Honey McKillyou is an employee.
Lauro’s
Bar- Although not
located in Corpus Christi, Lauro’s Bar is well known in South Texas. A favorite hang out of Roger McKillyou,
Douglas Father. Located in Premont, Texas.
Kreamy
Krisp Donuts- A popular
local donut shop in Corpus Christi.
Strange State and National Programs
Comprehensive Reading Aptitude
Program (CRAP)- This is an old statewide assessment test.
Statewide Helping Assessment
Measure (SHAM)- Ambiguous State Program
Alternate Radio/ Television Shows and Radio
Stations:
Morning
Version Sunday
Morning
Version
No Things
Considered
Leggo in
the Morning- Corpus Christi’s most popular morning
show, hosted by the equally popular Tim Leggo.
The Derrick
Von Ray Show- Corpus
Christi’s most popular conservative afternoon show, hosted by the ubiquitous
Derrick Von Ray.
The Sven Swenson Show- National conservative radio show from the west coast hosted by Sven Swenson.