Characters: (Somewhat by Appearance)
NARRATOR- The Narrator is exactly that, the main announcer of the program who provides insight and commentary on the actions of all the other characters that would otherwise not be possible in the radio format. The Narrator is an important character, although he rarely interacts directly with the characters.
He introduces the program, its sponsors and closes the episode with a proper conclusion. He refers to Douglas McKillyou as “our hero.” He is witty, smart and uncanny. Although slightly dramatic, his tone is usually cheerful.
Douglas Stephen McKillyou- The main protagonist, Douglas is first presented as a guy who enjoys a night out with the guys. We soon learn that his relationship with his wife, Honey, is one of controlled chaos. Douglas’ favorite television show is 'McMillian and Wife' and he owns an Thompson submachine gun.
In the episode On What Side is Your Bread Buttered On?, we learn that Douglas is a political and social conservative. His best friend is Reggie Parkinson, his next-door neighbor. He has trouble with is mother-in-law, Dolores Pendleton, who is a lesbian. He develops a frustration with religion in On What Side is Your Bread Buttered On? and in Mistaken Indemnity? He then reverts to becoming a devote Roman Catholic after dealings with “invented” Protestantism.
Douglas is a teacher and has frequent run-ins with his boss, the inept Principal Herman Dumples.
As part of his back-story, Douglas was born on July 5, 1968 and attended Corpus Christi schools in the late 1970’s and early 1980’s finally graduating in 1975. He attended Texas A&I University and graduated as Class of 1989 with a degree in history. While in college he participated in ROTC and became a lieutenant in the U.S. Army, where he transferred to the U.S Air Force. He took pilot training and, having missed the fighter pilot qualification by a small margin; he became a transport pilot. When the Persian Gulf War began, he was transferred to an Air Security Department as commander of a Ground Secretary Squadron with the rank of Captain.
He left the Air Force in 1994 after marrying Honey Pendleton when he returned home to Corpus Christi. He secured a Texas teaching certificate in 1994 and began teaching at Corpus Christi High School in 1995 where he has worked since.
Douglas drives a Chrysler P.T. Cruiser Turbo, but once owned a 1981 Pontiac Bonneville.
Honey Pendleton McKillyou- Honey is Douglas McKillyou’s wife, a recovering Liberal, the sight of Douglas in his air force struck her uniform and they married in 1994. Although she is happily married to Douglas, she and Douglas maintain a feisty relationship and actually enjoy argument.
Honey McKillyou was born on January 5, 1972. She entered high school in 1986 and graduated in 1989. She was attended Corpus Christi State University in 1990 and graduated in 1994. She remained quite shiftless dealing with the fact that her mother is became a lesbian and her father apparently abandoned them when she was quite young.
Honey works as a teller at the Corpus Christi Building and Loan where she struggles against the forces of interoffice relationships, of which she refuses to participate.
Aunt Sylvia- Mentioned in The Cat Burglar, Honey McKillyou’s aunt. Douglas was dreaming about her and a Popsicle.
Dolores Roxanne Pendleton- Dolores is Honey McKillyou’s mother. A confessed liberal and lesbian. Although her beliefs are shallow, even by liberal standards, she is a quick wit. Mentioned first in The Cat Burglar and several times before actually being featured.
Dolores is first see in a “flashback” sequence in Honey’s Christmas Carol where she is seen “henpecking” her then husband, Lester Pendleton. Dolores’ first rue appearance is in Where Legal Eagles Dare, where she files for Honey and Doug’s divorce. Dolores tries to interest Honey in young lawyer, Lorelei Carlisle, but Honey will have none of it.
Reginald Tremble “Reggie” Parkinson- Parkinson is the McKillyou’s next-door neighbor and Corpus Christi city Councilman. He is a rather lonely person who spends most of this time with Douglas and Honey. He is a big Fan of Kreamy Krisp Donuts. Served in the U.S Army as an officer.
Douglas and Reggie grew up together as neighbors and served in the Cub Scouts and Boy Scouts together. They also attended Mary Carroll High school.
Pastor Gilbert Glenn- Pastor of the Sunnyside United Reformed Church of Our Lady of Eternal Gladness, Corpus Christi Synod church and high school friend of Douglas McKillyou. A very liberal pastor in terms of religions
Edgar Randolph- Altar Server at the Sunnyside United Reformed Church of Our Lady of Eternal Gladness, Corpus Christi Synod and coworker of Douglas. Religious zealot and hypocrite.
Old Man- Member of Pastor Glenn’s Church
Old Woman- Member of Pastor Glenn’s Church
Beatrice “Trixie” Walker- Trixie is Honey’s best friend and a part time gossip. She works as a nurse at a fertility clinic run by Dr. Peckinpaugh. She begins as a very lonely single woman. Likes Herb Alpert Music and shares many interests with Reggie Parkinson.
Mrs. Greta Wunderkind- Reggie Parkinson’s secretary, she is an older woman most likely in her late 50’s. In Where Legal Eagles Dare it is determined that Greta is 57 years old. Has an office romance with Reggie that amounts to casual sex. She is in the declining stages of her marriage and in the thriving stages of sexual drive.
Also in Where Legal Eagles Dare it is determined that Greta used to make cookies for Doug and Reggie’s Cub Scout troop.
Tim Leggo- Leggo is News/Talk 1330 LOKS Morning talk radio host. He serves as the Host of Christmas Past when Honey dreams on Christmas night 2003.
Rob Bedwards- NRP’s “temporary” host of Morning Version. Portrayed as being liberal, bout with an objective tone.
Senator I. M. Cummings- Overly Liberal Senator from California.
Senator Ima Prude- Overly Conservative Senator from Texas.
Principal Herman Dumples- Dumples is Douglas’ mostly inept boss at Corpus Christi High School. Suffers from emotional problems of self-worthlessness and compensates by throwing around his various college degrees. Was a Master Sergeant in the U.S. Army in the 1980’s.
Female Student- Student that attends Corpus Christi High School
Doris Cantor- Female friend of Honey and Trixie, a gossip!
Helen Nile- Also a female friend of Honey and Trixie, also a gossip!
Heather Wilcox- Yet another female friend of Honey and Trixie, the biggest gossip. Married to Newspaper reporter, James Harmon Wilcox.
James Harmon Wilcox- “Award Winning” newspaper reporter known to print questionable stories based on gossip perpetuated by rumors his wife Heather encounters.
Dr. Romulus Peckinpaugh- Peckinpaugh is Trixie Walker’s employer, a fertility doctor. Sex is his hobby!
Max Juarez- Max is one of Douglas’ students, family has a rich tradition on welfare. Not a very studious student.
Macy Silverman- A level headed student in Douglas’ class. In Wal*Smarty, we learn she is Jewish.
Frank Satchel- The host of NRP’s afternoon show No Things Considered.
John Guillermos- NRP’s Hollywood correspondent
Michael Less- Erratic movie director who makes pornographic films for the benefit of the society and well as documentaries that are…er…questionable at best.
Derrick Von Ray- Afternoon Talk Radio show host on News Talk 1330 LOKS. He is conservative, but poignant. He serves as the Host of Christmas Present when Honey dreams on Christmas night 2003. His main “catch phrase” is “like a shower of cold actuality”
Major Hannibal Disaster- Air Force pilot who flew over Socialist France.
Richard “Rocco” Traviato- Burglar and general criminal type that breaks into the McKillyou house.
Rupert “Lefty” Masters- The more loveable burglar and general criminal type that breaks into the McKillyou house, sadly has a heart attack when he catches Doug and Honey making love.
Officer King- An extremely old and almost senile police officer that liberal courts and lawsuit abuse kept on the force. Sent with his partner, Officer Dales, to investigate the Home Invasion at the McKillyou place.
Officer Dales- Set with Kings to lessen the potential damage to the police force, he is a man in his late 30’s who is quite effective as a crime fighter. Investigates the Home Invasion at the McKillyou place.
Roger McKillyou- Douglas’ father, Honey and Doug Spend New Year’s Eve 2004 with him and his 23-year-old fiancée, Rebecca Adams. He is a well-known in Premont, Texas, where he chose to retire from the South Texas-Mexican Railway, but is a lousy drunk. He starts a fight between Doug and Jacinto Reyes at Lauro’s Bar in Premont. Roger is 68 years old in 2003. He served in the U.S. Navy.
Mrs. Marcia Mallow- The Secretary at Corpus Christi High School.
Mr. Millhouse Rodham- Rodham was Principal Dumples’ 8th grade history teacher, quite possible the worst teacher in existence.
Mr. Albrecht Wunderkind- Mrs. Greta Wunderkind’s husband. Sexually dormant husband. Albrecht is a World War II veteran.
Mayor Floyd Freely- Freely is the acerbic Mayor of Corpus Christi.
Councilwoman Harmony Kubrick- Councilwoman Kubrick is a member of the Corpus Christi City Council. She is highly conservative and leads a crusade against Reggie Parkinson, until she finds out the Parkinson is not a bisexual. Her main foil is Percy Willow.
Percival “Percy” Willow- Percy Willow is a member of the Corpus Christi City Council. He is highly liberal and leads a crusade to completely liberalize Corpus Christi in all respects. He is one of Douglas’ main enemies.
Yvonne- Yvonne is fellow teller at the Bank where Honey works. Basically a depressed slut who is little by little sleeping her way to the top of the Bank’s hierarchy.
Honey’s Boss- The manager of the Bank where Honey is employed.
Throckmorton P. Gildersleeve- The Great Gildersleeve is a character from old time radio; he visits Honey in Christmas 2003 and says three Hosts will visit her.
Lester Pendleton- Honey’s father who she hasn’t seen since she was a little girl. Divorced Dolores in 1978 and was kept away by a string of restraining orders.
Judge Steven Rhoder- Corpus Christi state judge who sat from 1959-1989. Divorced Lester and Dolores in 1978 and issued injunctions against Lester that prohibited him from seeing Honey. He is also the father of Judge Ray L. Rhoder.
Thomas M. Edwards- Edwards is an attorney who defended Lester Pendleton in his plea to keep custody of his daughter. Lester was his first case. Although he lost his first case Edwards came to become a prominent attorney in Corpus Christi.
Edwards defends Douglas in the wrongful death lawsuit Rocco Traviato files against Douglas.
Lorelei Carlisle- A young hotshot lawyer who agrees to file Doug and Honey’s divorce at the behest of Dolores and represents Rocco Traviato in his lawsuit against Douglas for the death of Left Masters.
Although initially Dolores gives the impression that Lorelei is a lesbian, this is yet to be substantiated.
Wesley Hargrove- A young legal assistant to the Court of Judge Ray L. Rhoder. Although he is a lawyer by trade and graduated with high honors, he lacks to confidence to really get into it. He delivers the summons to Douglas informing him that Rocco Traviato is suing him.
Deputy Seeligson- A rather inept small town deputy with an affinity for speeders racing through Premont’s speed trap and Honey McKillyou’s upper half.
Rebecca Adams- This is Roger McKillyou’s 23-year-old fiancée. Due to too much Nick-at-Nite and exposure to life in Premont, Texas she is predisposed to fall for extremely older men. Known as Becky.
Jose Juanito Carranza- A Tejano band leader who often plays at Lauro’s Bar in Premont, Texas. The name of his group is Jose Juanito Carranza y sus BOYZ. Douglas is punched into the bass drum of his drum set on New Year’s Eve 2004.
Antonio “Tony” Ramos- A student in Douglas class who can’t spell his full first name.
Joe Watchmen- Main News anchor at KYYY TV.
Lucy Graves- Anchor/Reporter woman for KYYY TV. She breaks the story about Douglas to the general public.
Fictitious Sponsors/ Corpus Christi Institutions:
Corpus Christi Society for the Elimination of Stupidity- A strange mix of Conservative organizations designed to educate the ignorant and stupid people who reside in South Texas.
Johnsey's Wax Super Premium Glo-Coat- A floor wax produced by the Johnsey Wax Company of Robstown, Texas.
Corpus Christi Association of Associations- A strange grouping of associations who seek to further the goals of associations in Corpus Christi.
Sunnyside United Reformed Church of Our Lady of Eternal Gladness, Corpus Christi Synod- A church founded by Reverend Gilbert Glenn, very liberal.
Sidewalk_Cipher’s Mind and Brain Wash- A book on tape series on how to control the minds of those around you.
Corpus Christi Atheist Choir Boys’- A musical group made up of the children of Corpus Christi Atheists.
Landru’s Restaurant- A nationwide restaurant chain that seeks to takeover Corpus Christi.
Corpus Christi High School- This is a relatively new high school in Corpus Christi where Douglas McKillyou is a teacher.
Stealthy Brand Condoms- A prophylactic sexual devise produced at a factory in Portland, Texas.
Corpus Christi Society for the Preservation of Cruelty toward the Stupid- A liberal organization formed to counter the works of the Corpus Christi Society for the Elimination of Stupidity ad further the rights of Stupid Americans.
Corpus Christi Persons Against People Council- This is an organization whose goal is to promote political correctness in Corpus Christi.
Society for the Ugly and Repulsive- This group meets on Wednesday nights in very dark places.
Frosted Fakes- This is a breakfast cereal made somewhere in Kingsville, Texas.
Casa de Cucarachas- One well liked Mexican restaurant with a huge insect problem. Hey, we have roaches, why lie!
Corpus Christi Building and Loan- A local bank where Honey McKillyou is an employee.
Lauro’s Bar- Although not located in Corpus Christi, Lauro’s Bar is well known in South Texas. A favorite hang out of Roger McKillyou, Douglas Father. Located in Premont, Texas.
Kreamy Krisp Donuts- A popular local donut shop in Corpus Christi.
Strange State and National Programs
Comprehensive Reading Aptitude Program (CRAP)- This is an old statewide assessment test.
Statewide Helping Assessment Measure (SHAM)- Ambiguous State Program
Alternate Radio/ Television Shows and Radio Stations:
Morning Version Sunday
No Things Considered
Leggo in the Morning- Corpus Christi’s most popular morning show, hosted by the equally popular Tim Leggo.
The Derrick Von Ray Show- Corpus Christi’s most popular conservative afternoon show, hosted by the ubiquitous Derrick Von Ray.
The Sven Swenson Show- National conservative radio show from the west coast hosted by Sven Swenson.