One Night in Corpus Christi
Home is Where the Hurt Is?
Written by Capt J.E. Carrales

ACT II

(Opening Organ Music Theme Song)

Narrator: "CARRALES STUDIOS PRODUCTIONS proudly presents...One Night in Corpus Christi (music swells)…One man’s brand of political and social commentary on South Texas living. Your friends at the Corpus Christi Association of Associations bring this installment to you; don’t worry… “we don’t know what that means either.” (laughs)

(Organ music swells and dies, catchy uplifting music)

NARRATOR: When we last left our hero, Douglas MacKillroy he had just got home from a night out with the boys and was preparing to practice the ancient husbandly art of “sneaking in!” Ah yes, there is nothing quite like spending quality time with good friends, especially when the drinks are on someone else. Let’s listen as he slowly and quietly, with shoes in hand, makes in way like a nimble gazelle into his humble abode…

(sound of a loud crash)

NARRATOR: Well, so much for that idea!

(sound of lights turning on)

Douglas: “Damn it, it never fails! I may have to get a new warden!”

Honey: “Well, is it isn’t King ALL-HOURS, and his drunks of the round table? Can you make more noise I don’t think they heard you over at the rail yard!”

Douglas: (slurred speech) “Shhhhh!!!! Awwww!!! Can’t be quiet…don’t you see I’m trying to sneak in!” (laughs)

Honey: “Damit! You’re drunk!”

Douglas: (still a bit slurred) “No I’m not!!! What ever gave you that idea?”

Honey: (sarcastic) "Hummm? Lets see! Maybe it’s that you tripped over yourself in the middle of the living room? …Or lets see, Maybe you forgot to zip up your fly!”

Douglas: (still a bit slurred) “I’m wearing pants?” (laughs) “How about that!”

Honey: (sarcastic) "All that aside, I think the best sign that you’ve been drunk was the phone call I got from some Church that said you would be conducting a service tomorrow!”

Douglas: (sobering up) “What!? Damn it, that was real?! Well, in that case (yawn) I’m tired I need to get to bed right away!”

Honey: "We'll, (scoff) that's a fine kettle of fish! You stay out all night with your drunk friends and when I need a little sugar your 'cane' can never rise to the occasion! (applause) (incredulous) Well, I never!

Douglas: "Yeah, (pause) and if you keep it up like that you never will!"

Honey: (almost crying) "Sometimes I think you don't you love me any more? (SOB)

Douglas: "What are you talking about, Honey? You know I love you..."

Honey: (more in control) "Really! Oh, come here you let me give you a hug!" (moves to give him a hug)

Douglas: “You know I love you!!! I surely married you didn't I...however, it is a shame that I only seem to be dating your Personality!"

Honey: (incredulous) "What?!" (loud SLAP!)

Douglas: "Ouch! What was that for?"

Honey: "Oh, you men are all the same. I knew I should have listened to mother and become a lesbian!"

Douglas: "Your mother!? (scoff) Great Scott, the divorce and alimony may have cost your father a fortune, but it sure saved him from the high cost of institutionalization!"

Honey: "Go to sleep, you’re a horrible drunk... sleep it off...what would the neighbors say if they saw you with the "hair of the dog" tomorrow at church!"

Douglas: "Honey, I'm sure other men will be "hung over" too! ...and…and…I plan to be "well hung, tomorrow!" (snickers from the audience)

Honey: "Yeah, maybe! But tomorrow you’re the PASTOR!" (Laughs theme music comes on and music swells slightly and fades to a snoring Douglas)

Narrator: And so the couple make their way to bed and then to the realm of dreamland. Why is it that the most peaceful sleep is always the most rudely disrupted? Well, lets see what is about to transpire…

Douglas: (Loud snores)

(loud CRASH!)

Honey: "Leaping lizards! What was that?"

Douglas: (Loud snores)

Honey: "Doug, wake up! (pushes Douglas who begins to stir)"

Douglas: (agitated) "No, Aunt Sylvia, I don't want a Popsicle...er...(SNORT) uh...what?"

Honey: "Doug, I think there's a burglar down stairs. Get out of bed and defend your home! And, Damn you, why are you dreaming about Sylvia! Sylvia is my AUNT!"

Douglas: "What? What are you blathering about?"

(loud Crash)

Honey: "Did you hear that? You're the man of the house, protect me!”

Douglas: “Yeah, thanks a lot. You women fought for equality all those years and now when the time comes to put your life on the line…suddenly “I’m” the Man!”

Honey: (sarcastically) "Whatever!” (laughs) Now, don’t just sit there do something!"

Douglas: (yelling)" HEY, KEEP IT DOWN! WE'RE TRYING TO SLEEP UP HERE!"

Honey: "What on earth are you doing!?"

Douglas: "Well, I have to play “pastor” tomorrow. If the burglar going to steel our Elvis Collectors Toothpicks and collection of 'McMillian and Wife' DVDs he should have the respect to keep it down. Don't people have any standards anymore!" (getting out of bed)

Honey: "For Pete's sake, be careful!"

Douglas: "Don't worry, I may be killed...my lifeless body may lie oozing life on the floor, but I rest in the hope that...if he does get me... that the government will find it in their heart to look after you."

Honey: "That won't happen. What about your insurance?"

Douglas: "Oh, I almost forgot. (Going into the closet. He rustling sounds emerges with a 1928 Thompson Sub-machinegun) There now your mother and I have something in common, were both out of the closet! (laughs)

NARRATOR: "Douglas comes down the stairs carefully only to encounter the darkness below." Douglas: "Sure is dark down here? Too bad the liberal environmental wackos made us conserve energy. The nightlight would have helped."

(Series of loud crashes Crash)

Douglas: "Damn! It is a burglar!"

(VERY LOUD RAT-A-TAT-A-TAT-A-TAT)

Douglas: "Freeze or I'll shoot" (laughs)

(very slight Meow)

Honey: "DOUGLAS! (shouting as she runs down the stairs) What happened I heard shooting! Did you get him? Was it a burglar?"

Douglas: "No…but you did get what you wanted! At least in theory, anyway. I did get some pussy…

(Audience scoffs and then followed by applause)

…cat, that is!”

(MUSIC SWELLS over the sound of cats)

NARRATOR: "Thank you and good night folks. Be sure to tune in next week to, "One Night in Corpus." Remember to use Johnsey's Wax Super Premium Self-Polishing Glo-Coat," It will make even the dullest forum seem to shine and brighten any debate by proxy."